It sounds like a line from a cheap romance novel or a very specific corner of the internet. But when someone says i'll train you sexually and love you, they are usually stepping into a very complicated intersection of power dynamics, emotional intimacy, and psychological expectations. It's intense. It’s also deeply misunderstood by most people who haven't spent time looking into the nuances of BDSM, Power Exchange (D/s), and the concept of "service submissiveness" or "sexual mentorship."
People are complicated. Relationships are even messier.
When we talk about "training" in a sexual or romantic context, we aren't talking about teaching a dog to sit. We’re talking about a curated, intentional process where one partner takes the lead in shaping the other's responses, preferences, and behaviors. It’s a pedagogical approach to intimacy. But here is the kicker: adding "and love you" to that sentence changes the entire chemistry of the statement. It moves the needle from a purely transactional or kink-based interaction to a full-blown lifestyle commitment.
Why the Concept of Training Actually Matters
Let's get real for a second. Most people wander through their sex lives by trial and error. They hope their partner likes what they’re doing. They guess. They might get it right; they might not. The phrase i'll train you sexually and love you implies an end to the guessing games. It suggests a structured environment where one person acts as a guide. In the BDSM community, this is often referred to as a "Top" or "Dominant" taking on a "Protege" or "Submissive."
It’s about intentionality.
Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a Research Fellow at the Kinsey Institute, has noted in his work on sexual fantasies that the desire for submission and guidance is incredibly common. It isn't about being "weak." Often, high-achieving individuals crave this dynamic because it allows them to turn off their brain. If someone says they will train you, they are offering to take the mental load off your shoulders. They are saying, "I will handle the decisions. You just focus on the experience."
The Emotional Weight of the Love Promise
Love makes everything more high-stakes. Honestly, without the emotional component, sexual training is just a series of lessons. It’s a workshop. But when you weave in the promise of love, you’re looking at what some call "Total Power Exchange" or TPE. This isn't just about what happens in the bedroom at 11:00 PM on a Saturday. It’s about how you wake up, how you talk to each other, and the fundamental trust that the "trainer" has the "trainee’s" best interests at heart.
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Trust is the currency here.
You can't effectively train someone if they don't feel safe. The phrase i'll train you sexually and love you is essentially a verbal contract of safety. It tells the partner that while the training might be intense or push boundaries, the foundation is unbreakable. It’s a "safe harbor" concept. You go out into the stormy waters of kink, but you always come back to the dock of affection and care.
Communication and the "Rules"
How does this actually look in a day-to-day relationship? It’s not all leather and whips. Sometimes it’s about posture. Sometimes it’s about how someone asks for things.
- Positive Reinforcement: This is the bedrock of any training. Real experts in the field, like those who contribute to the Journal of Positive Sexuality, emphasize that punishment-based training usually fails long-term. Rewards work better.
- The Feedback Loop: If you’re being trained, you aren't a silent participant. You provide feedback. You use safe words. You discuss what worked and what felt like a "miss."
- Gradual Escalation: You don’t start at level ten. You start with the basics. Maybe it’s eye contact. Maybe it’s breathing techniques.
Addressing the Misconceptions
People hear the word "train" and they immediately think of coercion. That's a mistake. In a healthy, adult, consensual context, the person being trained is the one who actually holds the ultimate power. Why? Because they can revoke consent at any moment. The person saying i'll train you sexually and love you is actually taking on a massive amount of responsibility. They have to be a teacher, a lover, a psychologist, and a guardian all at once. It’s exhausting if done correctly.
It’s also not about "fixing" someone.
If someone enters a relationship thinking they can train away a partner's trauma or change their fundamental personality, they are headed for a train wreck. Training is about enhancement. It’s about taking existing desires and refining them. It’s about polishing a diamond, not trying to turn a piece of coal into a gold bar.
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The Science of "Sub Space" and Bonding
There is actual neurobiology at play when we talk about this dynamic. When someone successfully follows "training" or enters a state of submission, the brain often releases a cocktail of chemicals: oxytocin, dopamine, and endorphins. This is often called "Sub Space." It’s a meditative, flow-like state.
When a partner says i'll train you sexually and love you, they are essentially offering to trigger these chemical releases in a consistent, predictable way. The "love" part ensures that the subsequent "drop"—the feeling of sadness or exhaustion that sometimes follows intense emotional highs—is managed with aftercare. Aftercare is non-negotiable. You don't just finish a session and go watch Netflix in separate rooms. You hold each other. You talk. You re-ground.
Practical Steps for Navigating This Dynamic
If you find yourself in a position where this phrase has been uttered—or if you’re the one wanting to say it—you need a roadmap. You can't just wing it.
First, define the "Curriculum." What does training actually mean to you? Is it about specific acts? Is it about a tone of voice? Is it about daily rituals? Sit down with a notebook. Write it out. If you can't define it, you can't do it.
Second, check your ego. If you want to be the "trainer," you have to realize this isn't about your power trip. It’s about your partner’s growth and satisfaction. If you’re doing it to feel big, you’re doing it for the wrong reasons. The best dominants or trainers are often described as "servant leaders." They lead so that their partner can flourish.
Third, establish the "Veto." Even in a "training" scenario, the trainee needs to know they have a voice. This isn't just about safe words like "Red" or "Yellow." It’s about the ability to say, "I don't like the direction this training is going," without fear of losing the "love" part of the equation.
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Fourth, set a timeline for review. People change. What felt like an exciting training goal in January might feel repetitive or boring by June. Revisit the "contract" regularly.
The Realities of Consent
Consent isn't a one-time "yes." It’s an ongoing conversation. Especially when using a phrase like i'll train you sexually and love you, there is a risk of "groomed consent," where the trainee feels they have to agree to things to keep the "love."
Experts in consent ethics, like those at the Consent Academy, talk about "enthusiastic consent." It’s not just the absence of a "no." It’s the presence of a "hell yes." If the training feels like a chore or a burden, the love part is going to wither.
Moving Forward with Intentional Intimacy
This isn't a lifestyle for everyone. In fact, for most people, it sounds way too intense. And that’s fine. But for those who crave a deeper level of direction and a way to merge their romantic life with a structured power dynamic, it can be incredibly fulfilling.
If you're serious about exploring this, start small. Don't go out and buy a dungeon's worth of equipment. Start with a conversation about boundaries. Talk about your favorite ways to be touched and your least favorite. See if you can handle the "training" of a simple task—like a specific way of greeting each other—before moving into more complex sexual territory.
The goal isn't perfection. The goal is a deeper connection. When someone promises i'll train you sexually and love you, they are promising a journey. It’s a path that requires radical honesty, a lot of patience, and a willingness to see your partner for who they truly are—and who they want to become.
To make this work, focus on the following:
- Establish clear "Check-In" days where the power dynamic is set aside for "person-to-person" talk.
- Invest in books on sexual communication, such as The Ethical Slut or Coming Together by Janet Hardy.
- Prioritize aftercare as much as, if not more than, the training sessions themselves.
- Be prepared for the training to evolve or end as the relationship matures.
Intimacy is a skill. Like any skill, it can be practiced, refined, and taught. Just remember that the heart has to be the one leading the lesson.