You've probably heard the advice a thousand times. "Never settle." It’s the rallying cry of every romantic comedy, every Instagram influencer, and basically every well-meaning friend who thinks you’re "too good" for the guy you're currently seeing. But here’s the thing. That advice is kinda ruining our lives. We’ve become obsessed with finding a "soulmate" or a "twin flame," someone who checks every single box on a list that is, frankly, impossible for any human being to fulfill.
The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough isn’t about lowering your standards to the point of misery. It’s not about staying with someone who treats you poorly or doesn’t respect you. Honestly? It’s about a radical shift in perspective. It’s about realizing that "good enough" is actually the gold standard for a long-term, functional, and deeply satisfying relationship.
We’re living in an era of "maximizers." This is a term coined by psychologist Barry Schwartz in his book The Paradox of Choice. Maximizers are people who need to be certain that every purchase or decision is the best that could be made. If you’re a maximizer in dating, you’re constantly looking over your shoulder. You’re wondering if there’s someone taller, funnier, or more successful just one swipe away. This leads to a state of chronic dissatisfaction. On the flip side, you have "satisficers." These are people who have criteria, and once those criteria are met, they’re happy. They don’t care if there’s a 5% better option out there because what they have is, well, good enough.
The Myth of the Soulmate and the Science of Choice
The concept of a soulmate is relatively new in the grand scheme of human history. For centuries, marriage was a pragmatic arrangement. It was about land, labor, and lineage. It wasn't until the Romantic era that we started demanding our partners be our best friends, our passionate lovers, our co-parents, and our spiritual guides. That’s a lot of pressure for one person to handle.
Lori Gottlieb, a psychotherapist and author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, wrote a famous (and at the time, controversial) book called Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. She argues that by holding out for the "perfect" man, women often pass up wonderful, stable, kind men who would have made incredible life partners. She isn't saying you should marry someone you're repulsed by. She's saying that the guy who is 80% of what you want is a much better bet than the 100% guy who doesn't actually exist.
Think about the "80/20 rule." In a solid relationship, you get about 80% of what you need from a person. The other 20%? You get that from your friends, your family, your hobbies, and yourself. When we demand 100% from a partner, we’re setting them up for failure. We’re also setting ourselves up for a lifetime of "searching" rather than "living."
There's a biological component here too. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist who has studied the brain in love for decades, points out that the intense "euphoric" stage of love—the part where the person seems perfect—usually only lasts about 18 to 36 months. After that, the dopamine levels drop. You start noticing that he chews loudly. You realize he’s actually kind of terrible at managing money. If your relationship is built on the "perfection" of the soulmate myth, it crumbles here. But if you’ve chosen Mr. Good Enough, you’re already prepared for the reality of human imperfection.
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Why "Good Enough" is Better for Your Brain
Decision fatigue is real. When you’re constantly evaluating your partner against an imaginary ideal, your brain is in a state of high alert. It’s exhausting. Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology suggests that people who are "satisficers" end up being much happier than "maximizers," even if the maximizers technically achieve a "better" outcome.
Why? Because maximizers are plagued by regret.
"Did I make the right choice?"
"Could I have done better?"
These questions kill intimacy. They keep you from fully committing. When you embrace the case for settling for Mr. Good Enough, you give yourself permission to stop looking. You close the door on the "what ifs." This creates a sense of psychological safety that allows real love to grow. Real love isn't found; it's built over time through shared experiences, compromise, and—yes—dealing with each other's annoying habits.
Breaking Down the "Good Enough" Criteria
So, what does Mr. Good Enough actually look like? It’s not a guy you’re settling for out of fear of being alone. It’s a guy who meets the non-negotiables.
- Character: He’s honest, reliable, and kind.
- Values: You’re on the same page about the big stuff—kids, money, where you want to live.
- Stability: He’s a functional adult who can take care of himself.
- Kindness: He treats you well, even when he’s stressed or tired.
Notice what’s not on that list? He doesn’t have to be a male model. He doesn't have to make seven figures. He doesn't have to share every single one of your niche interests in 19th-century French poetry. If he’s a good man who makes you feel safe and supported, that’s "good enough." And honestly, in today's dating market, that's actually quite rare.
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The Social Media Trap
We have to talk about Instagram. And TikTok. And the "lifestyle" influencers who post curated snippets of their "perfect" husbands. They show the breakfast in bed, the surprise vacations, and the gushing anniversary posts. They don't show the arguments about whose turn it is to unload the dishwasher or the three days they spent barely speaking because of a misunderstanding.
This "perfection porn" has skewed our internal compass. We see these highlights and think, That's what I should have. We compare our "behind-the-scenes" with everyone else's "highlight reel." It makes Mr. Good Enough look like a failure, when in reality, he's the one actually showing up for the mundane, unglamorous parts of life.
The Harvard Study of Adult Development—the longest-running study on happiness—found that the single biggest predictor of health and happiness is the quality of our relationships. Not the "passion" of our relationships. Not the "perfection" of our partners. The quality. Stability. Connection. Being able to count on someone. That is the essence of Mr. Good Enough.
Addressing the Fear of "Settling"
The word "settling" has such a negative connotation. It sounds like giving up. It sounds like admitting defeat. But let's reframe it. Settling is actually an act of maturity. It’s an acknowledgement that life is a series of trade-offs.
If you want a guy who is a high-powered CEO, you might have to settle for someone who is rarely home. If you want a guy who is a creative, sensitive artist, you might have to settle for someone who isn't great at paying the bills on time. Every choice involves a sacrifice. By refusing to settle for anything less than perfection, you’re essentially choosing "nothing." You're choosing a lonely pursuit of a ghost.
Economists talk about "opportunity cost." The cost of holding out for a 10/10 is the years of companionship, growth, and shared joy you could have had with an 8/10. When you look back at age 80, are you going to be glad you spent your 30s and 40s alone because no one was "perfect" enough? Or are you going to cherish the decades of "good enough" memories with someone who was simply there?
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How to Pivot Toward Satisfaction
If you’ve realized you’re a chronic maximizer, how do you stop? It’s not like you can just flip a switch. It takes practice.
First, look at your "list." Cross off anything that isn't a core value or a character trait. Height? Cross it off. Specific job title? Cross it off. Perfect taste in music? Irrelevant. Focus on how he makes you feel and how he treats people.
Second, practice gratitude for the mundane. If he brings you coffee in the morning but forgets to put his socks in the hamper, focus on the coffee. We tend to magnify the flaws and minimize the virtues. Reverse that.
Third, understand that "The One" is a verb, not a noun. You don't find the one. You make someone the one by choosing them every day. The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough is really just the case for choosing a real person over a fantasy. It’s choosing reality. And reality, while messy, is the only place where you can actually be happy.
Actionable Steps for the "Recovering Maximizer"
- Audit your dealbreakers. Write down everything you're looking for. Now, highlight the top three things that actually affect your daily quality of life (e.g., "makes me laugh," "is financially responsible," "is empathetic"). Everything else is a "nice to have," not a "must have."
- Limit your dating app time. The paradox of choice is fueled by the endless scroll. Give yourself 20 minutes a day, and then put the phone away. Stop looking for the "next best thing" and focus on the person in front of you.
- Date outside your "type." Often, our "type" is just a collection of superficial traits that haven't actually led us to happiness in the past. Give the "good enough" guy a second or third date, even if there aren't immediate fireworks. Sometimes the best connections are slow burns.
- Talk to long-married couples. Ask them what they love about their partner and what drives them crazy. You'll quickly realize that none of them married a "perfect" person. They married someone they could grow with, compromise with, and endure with.
- Invest in your own life. The more fulfilled you are in your career, friendships, and hobbies, the less pressure you'll put on a partner to be your "everything." When you're happy on your own, Mr. Good Enough feels like a wonderful addition to your life rather than a disappointing centerpiece.
Embracing Mr. Good Enough isn't a tragedy. It's an escape from the exhausting, impossible hunt for perfection. It’s the realization that a flawed, kind, present human being is worth a thousand idealized fantasies. Stop waiting for a legend and start building a life with a partner.