It’s a specific kind of ache. You’re lying awake at 2:00 AM, staring at a glowing phone screen or a dark ceiling, looping the same thought: i can’t have you but i want you. It isn't just a line from a pop song or a cheesy romance novel. It’s a physiological event. Your brain is essentially short-circuiting because your biological drive to connect is hitting a brick wall of reality. Whether it’s an ex who moved on, a friend who doesn’t see you that way, or someone totally unavailable, the pain is real.
Honestly, it sucks.
Most people think this is just about "love," but it’s actually about dopamine. When we want something we can’t have, our brains don’t just give up. They go into overdrive. It’s called "frustration attraction." Anthropologist Helen Fisher has spent decades studying the brain in love, and her research shows that being rejected by someone you desire actually triggers the same parts of the brain associated with physical pain and addiction cravings. You aren't just sad; you're essentially going through a "cold turkey" withdrawal from a drug that happens to be a person.
The Science Behind the Obsession
Why does the "i can't have you but i want you" loop feel so much stronger than the feelings we have for people who actually like us back? It’s because of something called intermittent reinforcement.
Think about a slot machine. If it never paid out, you’d stop playing. If it paid out every single time, you’d get bored. But because it might pay out on the next pull, you stay glued to the seat. When someone is out of reach, every small interaction—a "like" on a photo, a brief text, a lingering look—acts like a small jackpot. It keeps you hooked.
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Psychologically, we also tend to project our unmet needs onto unavailable people. Because we aren't actually with them in a day-to-day sense, we don't see them leave dirty socks on the floor or get grumpy when they’re hungry. They remain a perfect, idealized concept. You’re not just pining for a person; you’re pining for a version of them that probably doesn’t even exist.
The human ego plays a massive role here, too. Rejection feels like a verdict on our value. We think, "If I can just get them to want me, then I’ll be worthy." It becomes a quest for validation rather than a quest for actual partnership.
When Wanting Becomes Harmful
There is a fine line between a crush and what psychologists call limerence. Coined by Dorothy Tennov in 1979, limerence is an involuntary state of intense desire. It involves intrusive thoughts and an acute longing for reciprocation.
If you find yourself unable to focus at work, neglecting your friends, or constantly checking their "Last Seen" status on WhatsApp, you’ve moved past a simple crush. You’re in the thick of a limerent episode. This isn't your fault, but it is your problem to solve.
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The danger here is that "i can't have you but i want you" becomes a comfortable identity. It's safer to want someone you can't have than to risk a real relationship with someone who is actually available. Real relationships are messy. Unrequited longing is "pure" because it never has to face the friction of reality.
Real-World Indicators You’re Stuck:
- You analyze their social media posts for "hidden meanings" directed at you.
- You compare every new person you meet to the unavailable person (and they always lose).
- You find yourself making excuses to be in their physical space, even when it’s awkward.
- You’ve created an entire future in your head that they haven’t consented to be part of.
How to Break the Loop
Moving on isn't about "flipping a switch." That’s bad advice. You can’t just stop feeling things because a self-help article told you to. However, you can change your behavior, which eventually changes your brain chemistry.
First, you have to kill the hope. Hope is the fuel for the "i can't have you but i want you" fire. As long as you think there is a 1% chance, you will stay stuck. You have to accept the "no" as a final answer. This usually requires a period of No Contact. This isn't a game to make them miss you; it’s a detox for your brain. You need to clear the dopamine pathways.
Second, look at the "Why." Often, we are attracted to unavailable people because they feel familiar. If you grew up having to "earn" love or attention, you might subconsciously seek out people who make you perform that same dance.
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Third, get back into your own body. Physical exercise, new hobbies, or even just hanging out with people who do want you in their lives can help ground you. You need to remind your nervous system that you are safe and okay even without that specific person.
Shifting Your Perspective
The phrase i can’t have you but i want you is a prison sentence you’re giving yourself.
Start by reframing the narrative. Instead of "I can't have them," try "They are not able to give me what I need." It shifts the power from them back to you. A relationship requires two "yeses." If they are a "no" or a "maybe," then they are fundamentally the wrong person for you right now.
It’s also worth noting that sometimes, we want what we can’t have because we are afraid of actual intimacy. If you pick someone you can never get, you never have to worry about being truly seen—flaws and all. It’s a defense mechanism dressed up as a tragedy.
Actionable Steps to Take Today
If you are currently struggling with this, don't just sit in the feelings. Move.
- Audit your digital diet. Mute them on Instagram. Don't block if that feels too dramatic, but hide their stories and posts. Every time you see their face, you trigger a dopamine spike that resets your "recovery" clock.
- Write a "Reality List." Write down every time they ignored you, every time they were rude, and every way they are actually incompatible with your life. Read this when you feel the urge to reach out.
- Invest in "Social Wealth." Go spend time with a friend who makes you feel seen and heard. Remind yourself what a balanced, easy connection feels like.
- Practice Mindfulness. When the thought of them pops up, acknowledge it. "Oh, there’s that thought again." Don't fight it, but don't follow it down the rabbit hole either. Let it pass like a car driving by.
- Re-evaluate your "Type." If you have a pattern of wanting the unavailable, it might be time to talk to a therapist about attachment styles—specifically anxious or avoidant attachment.
The goal isn't to never want things you can't have. That's part of being human. The goal is to reach a point where you value yourself enough to stop chasing people who aren't running toward you. You deserve a connection that is easy, reciprocated, and grounded in the present moment, not a ghost of a possibility that keeps you up at night.