We talk about love like it’s this one big, monolith thing. You see it in movies—the sweeping violins, the airport chase, the "happily ever after." But honestly? That’s not how it works in the real world. Real life is messier. It’s quieter. It’s often much more complicated than a single feeling. If you look at the psychological research and the ancient frameworks we’ve inherited, you start to see that there are actually 3 types of love in your life that define your journey from childhood to old age.
Understanding this matters. Why? Because we often try to force a "soulmate" connection into a space that’s meant for "companionate" love, or we feel guilty because the "passion" doesn’t look like it did in our twenties.
The Greeks were actually way ahead of us on this. They didn't just have one word for love; they had many. While scholars like Robert Sternberg have broken love down into the "Triangular Theory"—intimacy, passion, and commitment—most of us will experience these in three distinct phases or "containers" throughout our lives.
The First Love: Eros and the Idealized Spark
You remember this one. It’s the high school sweetheart or that first college romance that felt like the entire world was ending every time they didn't text back. This is often driven by Eros.
Eros is the romantic, passionate love. It’s visceral. It’s physical. In the context of the 3 types of love in your life, this first one usually feels like the "right" one because it’s so intense. We are biologically wired for this. When you’re in this stage, your brain is literally flooded with dopamine and norepinephrine. It’s a chemical cocktail that makes you lose sleep and forget to eat.
But here is the thing: it’s rarely sustainable.
Psychologists often refer to this as "limerence," a term coined by Dorothy Tennov in 1979. It’s that state of infatuation where you don't even see the other person as a human being; you see them as a projection of your own desires. Most people think this is the "peak" of love. Honestly, it’s just the starting line. It teaches us what we want, but more importantly, it usually teaches us through heartbreak what we need. It’s a mirror.
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The Hard Love: Philia and the Weight of Reality
Eventually, the fire of Eros cools down. It has to. If your brain stayed on that dopamine high forever, you’d never get anything done. This brings us to the second of the 3 types of love in your life: the "hard" love, or what the Greeks called Philia.
In modern terms, we often call this companionate love or deep friendship.
This is the love that happens when you’re navigating a mortgage, dealing with a sick kid at 3:00 AM, or arguing about whose turn it is to do the dishes. It’s less about the "spark" and more about the "glue." Philia is built on shared values, mutual respect, and—this is the big one—shared history.
Research from the Gottman Institute, which has studied couples for over 40 years, suggests that the "Friendship Factor" is the single biggest predictor of whether a relationship will last. It’s not about how many vacations you take. It’s about how you respond to your partner's small attempts at connection, what John Gottman calls "bids."
Why this stage feels difficult
- It requires the death of the ego.
- You have to accept the other person’s flaws (and they have to accept yours).
- It’s a choice, not just a feeling.
- The "boredom" of the mundane can feel like a failure, even when it's actually a sign of security.
People often bail during this phase because they miss the intensity of the first type of love. They think the "magic" is gone. But Philia is where the real growth happens. It’s the love that makes you a better person because it demands patience and sacrifice.
The Mature Love: Pragma and the Long Game
The third type is what we call Pragma. This is mature, everlasting love.
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You see it in couples who have been together for fifty years. They don't even need to speak to communicate. Pragma isn't something you "fall" into; it’s something you stand in. It is the result of decades of Philia and the embers of Eros being tended to carefully.
In a world obsessed with "following your heart," Pragma is about following your head and your heart. It’s the realization that love is a long-term commitment to another person’s well-being. It’s the most "boring" type of love from the outside, but it’s the most rewarding from the inside.
Sociologist Pepper Schwartz notes that long-term successful couples often share a sense of "purpose" beyond just themselves. Whether that’s raising a family, building a business, or supporting a cause, Pragma thrives when two people are looking in the same direction, not just at each other.
Key Differences in How We Experience These
| Aspect | The First Love (Eros) | The Hard Love (Philia) | The Mature Love (Pragma) |
|---|---|---|---|
| Driver | Chemistry & Hormones | Shared Interests & Loyalty | Commitment & Shared Life |
| Duration | Short-term (months to 2 years) | Mid-to-Long term | Decades / Lifetime |
| Focus | How they make you feel | How you function as a team | How you support their soul |
Navigating the Shifts
Most of us will experience all 3 types of love in your life, but not always in a linear order. You might experience Eros with several people before finding Philia. You might lose Pragma after twenty years and have to start over.
The biggest mistake? Expecting one person to be all three things perfectly at all times.
Sometimes your partner will be your best friend (Philia) but the passion (Eros) will feel a bit dim. That’s normal. Other times, the practicalities of life (Pragma) will take over, and you’ll feel like roommates. The goal isn't to have all three at 100% every day. The goal is to recognize which phase you’re in and nurture what’s missing.
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Actionable Steps for Deepening Your Connections
If you want to move from the fleeting intensity of the first type to the enduring strength of the third, you have to be intentional. Love isn't a "happening"; it's a "doing."
1. Audit your "bids" for connection. Pay attention to when your partner (or friend or family member) reaches out. Do they point out a bird outside? Do they mention a news story? Turn toward them. Acknowledge it. These tiny moments are the bricks that build Philia.
2. Stop comparing your "Middle" to someone else’s "Beginning." Social media makes us think everyone else is in a perpetual state of Eros. They aren't. They’re just posting the highlights. If you’re in the "hard" stage of love, don't look at a new couple and think you’ve failed. You’re just in a different chapter.
3. Practice "Active Constructive Responding." When someone you love shares good news, don't just say "that’s nice." Ask questions. Relive the moment with them. This builds the intimacy required to transition into Pragma.
4. Redefine "Compatibility." Compatibility isn't about liking the same movies. It’s about how you handle conflict. Can you argue without being cruel? Can you disagree and still feel safe? That’s the foundation of a love that lasts.
5. Cultivate Self-Love (Agape). While not one of the three primary romantic types we’ve focused on, the Greeks called universal love "Agape." If you don't have a baseline of respect for yourself, you’ll constantly look for Eros to "fix" you. It won't. You have to be a whole person to love another whole person.
Love is a skill. Like any skill, you get better at it with practice, failure, and persistence. By recognizing the 3 types of love in your life, you can stop chasing ghosts and start building something that actually stands the test of time. It might not always feel like a movie, but the reality is usually much better anyway.