Feedback is weird. We say we want it because we want to grow, but the second someone actually points out a flaw, our brain treats it like a physical threat. It’s that sting in the chest. That immediate urge to say, "Yeah, but you don't understand the context." Or worse, the silent nod while internally screaming. Saying thanks for the feedback is often a polite lie we tell to end an uncomfortable conversation as quickly as possible.
But if you look at the research, specifically the work done by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen of the Harvard Negotiation Project, you realize that the receiver is the most important person in the room. Not the giver. It doesn’t matter how skilled your boss is at "sandwiching" a critique between two compliments. If you aren't wired to handle the incoming data, the system breaks.
The Three Triggers That Make You Defensive
Most of us think we're open-minded. We aren't. Not really. Stone and Heen identified three specific "triggers" that cause us to shut down when we hear a critique. Understanding these is basically the secret code to actually meaning it when you say thanks for the feedback.
First, there are Truth Triggers. This happens when the feedback is just plain wrong. Or at least, it feels wrong. If someone tells you that you were "aggressive" in a meeting when you felt you were just being "passionate," your brain rejects the data. You dismiss the person as unobservant or biased.
💡 You might also like: Why 470 Park Avenue South NYC Is the Real Anchor of NoMad
Then you’ve got Relationship Triggers. This is less about what was said and more about who said it. If your colleague—who is notoriously lazy—tells you that you need to work harder, you’re going to ignore them. The "who" drowns out the "what." It’s a total breakdown of credibility.
Finally, the big one: Identity Triggers. This is the one that makes you feel like your whole world is collapsing. It’s not just about a specific report you messed up; it’s about your sense of self. If you pride yourself on being a "detail-oriented person" and someone finds a typo, it doesn’t just feel like a typo. It feels like an existential crisis. Your internal narrative starts spinning: Am I actually incompetent?
Why Most Professional Advice on This is Garbage
You've probably heard the "feedback sandwich" advice. Start with a positive, drop the negative, end with a positive. Honestly? It's kind of insulting. Most people see right through it. It makes the "positive" parts feel fake and the "negative" part feel like a trap.
True expertise in receiving feedback requires moving away from these corporate clichés. You have to learn to "disentangle" the message from the messenger. In their book Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well, the authors suggest that we need to stop looking for what's wrong with the feedback and start looking for what's right. Even if the person giving it is 90% wrong, that 10% of truth might be the very thing holding you back from a promotion or a better relationship.
Evaluation vs. Coaching vs. Appreciation
One of the biggest reasons people struggle is that they mix up the three types of feedback. This happens constantly in office environments.
- Appreciation is just "thanks for the hard work." It’s about connection and morale.
- Coaching is about helping you improve a skill. "Hey, next time try doing the presentation this way."
- Evaluation is about where you stand. "You are a level 4 employee on a scale of 5."
The problem? We often hear evaluation when the other person thinks they are giving coaching. If a mentor suggests a different way to code a feature, and you hear, "You're a bad coder," you've confused coaching with evaluation. You can't say a meaningful thanks for the feedback if you're fundamentally misinterpreting the intent.
The Physical Reality of Getting Criticized
Your body reacts before your brain does. When someone says, "Can I give you some feedback?", your amygdala—the lizard part of your brain—often goes into a fight-or-flight response. Cortisol spikes. Your heart rate increases. You are literally, biologically incapable of "rational thought" for a few minutes.
📖 Related: How to make a brand account on YouTube without messing up your personal privacy
This is why "fast feedback" is sometimes a terrible idea. If you’re triggered, you need to buy time. Instead of reacting, try saying: "I want to give this the attention it deserves, can we talk about this in an hour?" It sounds professional, but it’s actually a biological hack to let your nervous system calm down so you don't say something you'll regret.
How to Actually Use the Feedback You Get
So, someone gave you a piece of "constructive" criticism. Now what? Most people either obsess over it for weeks or ignore it immediately. Neither is helpful.
The most effective approach is to treat feedback like a data point in a larger experiment. One person saying you’re "difficult to work with" is an opinion. Five people saying it is a trend. You have to look for the patterns.
Real growth happens when you move from a "Fixed Mindset" (the belief that your abilities are set in stone) to a "Growth Mindset" (the belief that you can change). This is the Carol Dweck philosophy that has dominated psychology for years, but it’s especially relevant here. If you believe you can improve, a critique isn't an attack—it's a map.
Actionable Steps for Your Next Review
If you want to get better at this, stop being passive. Passive receivers get defensive. Active receivers get better.
Ask for one thing. Don't ask, "Do you have any feedback for me?" It’s too broad. People will give you generic fluff because they don't want to hurt your feelings. Instead, ask: "What is one thing I’m doing (or failing to do) that is getting in my own way?" This gives the other person permission to be honest. It narrows the focus.
Summarize what you heard.
Before you respond, say, "So, if I'm hearing you correctly, you're saying that my reports are thorough, but the way I present them in meetings is distracting. Is that right?" This does two things. It ensures you actually understood the point, and it shows the giver that you are actually listening, which lowers their defenses too.
Check your blind spots.
We all have them. You can't see your own face without a mirror; you can't see your own behavior without other people. Use thanks for the feedback as a mantra to remind yourself that other people are seeing a version of you that you literally cannot see.
Analyze the "Why" behind the "What."
Sometimes feedback is a reflection of the giver's own insecurities or goals. If your boss is under immense pressure to cut costs, their feedback about your "extravagant" project ideas might be more about their budget than your creativity. Context matters.
Moving Forward
The goal isn't to become a robot that never gets hurt. The goal is to shorten the "recovery time" between getting triggered and getting back to work.
Start small. The next time someone gives you a minor correction—maybe it's just a suggestion on where to go for lunch or a small edit on an email—notice your internal reaction. Feel the tiny spark of defensiveness. Then, consciously choose to say thanks for the feedback and see how it changes the power dynamic of the conversation. You'll find that when you stop defending your ego, you have a lot more energy left over for actually getting good at your job.
Your Next Steps:
- Identify your primary trigger (Truth, Relationship, or Identity) from the last time you felt "attacked" by a comment.
- In your next 1-on-1, ask for "just one thing" you could do differently to make your collaborator's life easier.
- Practice the "pause." When you feel that heat in your chest after a critique, breathe for five seconds before speaking.