We’ve all been there. Sitting across from someone—a partner, a boss, a sibling—feeling the heavy, itchy silence of things left unsaid. It’s that massive elephant in the room that everyone pretends is just a funky piece of furniture. Honestly, the phrase talking about it has become a sort of cliché, but there is a visceral, psychological reason why we find it so incredibly difficult to actually do.
Silence feels safe. Until it isn't.
Most people think communication is about the words you pick. It’s not. It’s about the nervous system. When we say we need to talk about it, our brains often register that as a threat. We expect conflict. We expect rejection. So, we shut down.
The Wall of Avoidance
You ever noticed how the longer you wait to bring something up, the more "monstrous" it becomes? Psychologists call this "the refrigerator effect." If you leave a small piece of leftovers in the back of the fridge, it eventually turns into a science project that smells so bad you're afraid to even open the door. Conversations are the same.
Dr. Harriet Lerner, a renowned psychologist and author of The Dance of Anger, has spent decades looking at how humans navigate difficult dialogues. She argues that we often use silence as a weapon or a shield. We think we’re being "nice" by not bringing up the problem, but really, we’re just being dishonest. We are protecting ourselves from the discomfort of being seen or heard.
Communication isn't just a "soft skill." It's a survival mechanism. When we stop talking about it, the relationship starts to atrophy. It’s like a muscle that hasn't been used in years. The first time you try to lift something heavy—like a conversation about infidelity, money, or career burnout—the muscle snaps.
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Why "Talking About It" Fails (And How to Fix It)
Most of us were never actually taught how to have a hard conversation. We learned by watching our parents yell, or worse, watch them go "cold" for three days.
Here is the thing: talking about it doesn't work if you’re just venting. Venting is a release valve, not a solution. Real communication requires a level of vulnerability that most people find frankly terrifying. You have to be willing to be wrong. You have to be willing to hear things about yourself that suck.
- The "I" Statement Trap: You’ve heard this a thousand times. "Use I statements." But people often weaponize them. saying "I feel like you’re being a jerk" isn't an I statement. It’s an accusation with a hat on.
- The Timing Issue: Never try to "talk about it" at 11:30 PM. Your prefrontal cortex is offline. You’re tired. You’re cranky. You’re going to say something you regret.
- The Goal: If your goal is to "win," you’ve already lost. The goal should be understanding.
The Cost of the Unsaid
There is a real, physical toll to holding things in. Research from the University of Arizona suggests that people who suppress their emotions during stressful interactions have higher blood pressure and increased cortisol levels. Basically, by not talking about it, you are literally stressing your heart.
I once worked with a guy who refused to tell his business partner that he wanted to sell the company. He held it in for two years. He developed chronic migraines. He was snappy at dinner. He was miserable. When he finally sat down and said the words, his migraines vanished within a week. The body keeps the score, as Dr. Bessel van der Kolk famously wrote.
Cultivating a Culture of Transparency
In the workplace, the stakes are just as high. A 2023 study by Fierce Conversations found that 86% of employees cite a lack of collaboration or ineffective communication as the main reason for workplace failures. When people are scared to talk about it—the "it" being a failing project or a toxic manager—the whole ship sinks.
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Google’s "Project Aristotle" spent years studying what makes a team successful. They found that "psychological safety" was the number one factor. This is the belief that you won't be punished or humiliated for speaking up with ideas, questions, concerns, or mistakes.
If you can’t talk about the small stuff, you’ll never be able to talk about the big stuff. It starts with the tiny things. "Hey, it bothered me when you interrupted me in that meeting." "I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed with this workload." If those small bids for communication are met with empathy, the foundation is built for the harder days.
Real Talk: Dealing With Defensive Responses
So, what happens when you try to talk about it and the other person hits you with a "Well, YOU do this too!"?
This is called "whataboutism" or "deflecting." It’s a classic defense mechanism. When people feel attacked, they try to even the playing field. The trick here is to stay on track.
"I hear that you have concerns about my behavior too, and I’m happy to talk about those. But right now, can we finish talking about this specific issue first?"
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It’s hard. It’s clunky. It feels like you’re reading from a script. But it works because it prevents the conversation from spiraling into a "greatest hits" of everything everyone has ever done wrong since 2012.
Practical Next Steps for Hard Conversations
If you’re sitting on something right now—something you know you need to bring up—don't just "wing it."
First, get clear on your "Why." Are you trying to hurt them? Are you trying to fix the relationship? If the motive is anything other than "I want us to be better," wait.
Second, pick a neutral time and place. No cars. No beds. Somewhere you can both walk away if it gets too heated. Walking while talking is actually great for this; the forward motion helps process the adrenaline.
Third, start with the "Story in my head." This is a Brené Brown classic. Say, "The story I’m telling myself right now is that you’re avoiding me because you’re mad about the dishes." This gives the other person a chance to correct the narrative without feeling like they’re being put on trial.
Finally, listen more than you speak. Talking about it is 50% silence. Give the other person room to breathe. Don't fill the gaps. Just sit there. The truth usually comes out in the quiet spaces.
Go have the conversation. It won't be as bad as the one you've been having with yourself in your head for the last month.