It is a biological reality that often gets sidelined in the heat of the moment. For a huge majority of people with vulvas—about 70% to 80% according to researchers like Dr. Debby Herbenick at Indiana University—intercourse alone isn't enough to reach orgasm. It’s just not how the anatomy is wired. Most of the time, the magic happens elsewhere. Specifically, at the clitoris.
We need to stop treating it like a "side dish" to the main event.
Honestly, the phrase stimulating the clitoris during sex shouldn't even feel like an extra step. It’s the engine. Think about it: the clitoris has more than 10,000 nerve endings. That is double the amount found in the penis. Yet, for decades, popular culture and even some outdated medical texts acted like it was a mystery or a tiny, insignificant button. It’s actually a massive, wishbone-shaped internal structure that wraps around the vaginal canal. When we talk about "sex," if we aren't talking about this specific organ, we’re basically ignoring the primary source of pleasure for half the population.
The anatomy you weren't taught in school
Most of us grew up thinking the clitoris was just that little nub at the top. Wrong. That’s just the glans, the "tip of the iceberg."
In 1998, Australian urologist Helen O'Connell revolutionized our understanding by using MRI technology to show the world that the clitoris is huge. It has "legs" (crura) and "bulbs" that engorge with blood during arousal. When you’re stimulating the clitoris during sex, you aren't just rubbing a spot; you’re engaging an entire system that hugs the vagina.
This is why "blended orgasms" are a thing. It isn't that the vagina has its own magical "O" button independent of everything else. It’s that deep penetration can provide indirect pressure to the internal parts of the clitoral structure. But for most, indirect isn't enough. You need direct, intentional contact.
Why "just keep going" is bad advice
We’ve all been there. You’re close, things are moving, and then someone decides to "speed up" or change the rhythm.
Consistency is king. Or queen.
The nerves in the clitoris are incredibly sensitive. If you find a rhythm that works, stay there. Don't get fancy. Don't try that move you saw in a movie unless you've discussed it. The brain needs a predictable loop of sensation to build toward a climax. When the rhythm breaks, the "climb" often resets. This is why communication—as cliché as it sounds—is the only way this works. You have to be able to say "a little to the left" or "don't stop doing exactly that" without it feeling like a critique of your partner's skills.
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Real-world ways to incorporate clitoral play
How do you actually do this without it feeling clunky? It depends on the position, but it usually involves hands, toys, or specific angles.
The Coital Alignment Technique (CAT). This is a fancy way of saying "grind, don't thrust." Instead of the traditional in-and-out motion of missionary, the person on top shifts further up so their pelvic bone makes constant, rhythmic contact with the clitoris. It’s less about depth and all about friction.
Using your own hands. There is a weird stigma that if you use your hands during partner sex, it means the partner "isn't doing enough." That’s nonsense. You know your body best. Reaching down during missionary or doggy style to provide the exact pressure and speed you need is a game-changer. It takes the guesswork out of the equation for everyone involved.
Bringing a vibrator to the party. Look, a human finger can move fast, but it can’t vibrate at 50 to 100 Hz. Adding a small bullet vibe or a wand while in a position like "cowgirl" allows for consistent, high-intensity stimulation that penetration simply cannot replicate.
Sometimes, the simplest fix is just changing the angle of your hips. Put a pillow under the pelvis. It tilts the vulva upward, making it way easier for a partner to reach the clitoris with their hand or body while also maintaining penetration.
The myth of the "natural" orgasm
There is this lingering, harmful idea that "real" sex results in an orgasm from penetration alone. If it doesn't happen, people feel broken.
You aren't broken. You're normal.
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Sigmund Freud famously claimed that "vaginal" orgasms were a sign of maturity, while "clitoral" orgasms were for the immature. He was completely wrong. He had no understanding of the internal clitoral anatomy. Unfortunately, his bad take stayed in the collective consciousness for a century.
When you prioritize stimulating the clitoris during sex, you aren't "using a crutch." You are using the organ specifically designed for pleasure. Imagine trying to drive a car without touching the steering wheel because you think "real" driving should only involve the pedals. It makes no sense.
Understanding the "Numbness" Factor
It is possible to have too much of a good thing.
If you use a high-powered vibrator for twenty minutes straight, the nerves can temporarily desensitize. This is often called "vibrator habituation," though it's not permanent. If you feel like you’re losing sensation, take a break. Switch to manual touch or just focus on the sensation of penetration for a few minutes to let the nerves "reset."
Also, lubrication is not optional. The skin of the clitoral glans is thinner than an eyelid. Friction without enough moisture leads to micro-tears and soreness, which is a fast way to kill the mood. Even if you think you’re "wet enough," a little extra water-based or silicone lube can make the stimulation feel much smoother and more intense.
The Mental Connection
Sex is mostly between the ears.
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If you’re stressed about your bills or wondering if the kids are awake, all the clitoral stimulation in the world might not get you there. The "dual control model" of arousal, developed by researchers Emily Nagoski and John Bancroft, suggests we have an accelerator and a brake. Stimulating the clitoris is hitting the accelerator. But if your "brakes" (stress, shame, distraction) are pushed down hard, the car won't move.
Sometimes, stimulating the clitoris during sex works best when you also slow down the pace. Fast and hard isn't always the answer. Sometimes it’s a slow, light circular motion that builds the tension over fifteen minutes rather than two.
Actionable Steps for Better Sex
If you want to change the dynamic tonight, don't wait for it to happen "naturally."
- Start with the clitoris during foreplay. Don't treat it as a warmup for penetration; treat it as the main event. Get the blood flowing there before anything else happens.
- Change your vocabulary. Instead of saying "Can we do this too?", try "I love it when you touch me here while we’re doing this." Positive reinforcement works better than direction.
- Experiment with "Edging." Bring yourself or your partner close to the peak through clitoral stimulation, then stop or slow down. Do this a few times. It increases the blood flow and makes the final orgasm much more intense.
- Invest in a "couple's vibe." There are wearable vibrators designed to be worn during intercourse that stimulate the clitoris without anyone having to hold a device. It keeps your hands free for other things.
- Focus on the "Up-Stroke." During penetration, focus on the moment of pull-out where the base of the penis or the toy rubs against the clitoral hood.
The goal isn't just to reach a finish line. The goal is to enjoy the entire process. By integrating stimulating the clitoris during sex as a standard, non-negotiable part of your intimacy, you close the "pleasure gap" and make the experience better for everyone involved. Stop overthinking it and start prioritizing the anatomy that's already there, waiting to be noticed.