Forgiveness is usually sold as a Hallmark card. It’s soft. It’s tidy. It’s about letting go so you can feel better. But then you pick up a book like South of Forgiveness, and suddenly, the whole concept feels a lot more like a gut punch. Honestly, it’s not a comfortable read. It’s written by Thordis Elva and Tom Stranger, and if those names don't ring a bell, the premise of their collaboration certainly will. They didn't just co-write a memoir about a crime; they wrote it together as survivor and perpetrator.
It’s heavy.
Eighteen years after Tom raped Thordis when they were teenagers in Iceland, they decided to meet. Not just meet to talk, but to document the wreckage. The result is a book that refuses to give you the easy way out. It’s messy. It’s raw.
The Uncomfortable Reality of South of Forgiveness
Most people think they know how a story about sexual violence should go. There’s a victim, a villain, and a courtroom—or at least a lifelong wall of silence. South of Forgiveness breaks that script. It starts in 1996 in Reykjavik. Thordis was 16. Tom was an 18-year-old Australian exchange student. They were "dating," but that doesn't change what happened after a school Christmas dance. Tom raped her.
He left the country shortly after.
For nearly two decades, Thordis carried the weight of that night in a way that shaped her entire identity. She became an activist, a writer, and a mother. But the "why" was always missing. When she finally reached out to Tom via email, she wasn't looking for a casual chat. She was looking for accountability.
What makes this book different from almost any other memoir in the genre is the dual narrative. You aren't just getting Thordis’s perspective on her trauma. You’re getting Tom’s perspective on his own monstrousness. It’s rare to hear a perpetrator speak without the filter of legal defense or self-justification. Tom doesn't offer excuses. He doesn't blame the "culture" or the alcohol, even though those things were present. He owns it.
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That’s why it’s so hard to read. We want our villains to stay in the shadows. We want them to be caricatures. When a perpetrator steps into the light and says, "I did this, and I am a human being," it forces the reader to confront the fact that sexual violence isn't just committed by monsters under the bed. It’s committed by people we know. People we might even like.
Breaking Down the Journey to Cape Town
The book is structured around their meeting in South Africa. Why South Africa? It’s a place defined by its history of Truth and Reconciliation. It provided a symbolic backdrop for two people trying to navigate their own private version of that process.
They spent a week together.
Imagine that for a second. Sitting across from the person who stole your sense of safety. Discussing the minute details of the worst night of your life. Thordis didn't do this because she’s a saint. She did it because she was tired of being a victim. She wanted her power back.
Tom, on the other hand, had to face the reality that he wasn't the "good guy" he had spent years pretending to be. He had buried the memory. He had moved on with his life in Australia, becoming a person who valued social justice, all while harboring a secret that contradicted everything he claimed to stand for.
The prose in South of Forgiveness reflects this tension. It’s sharp. Sometimes it feels like the words are vibrating with suppressed rage or agonizing shame. Thordis’s chapters are often lyrical but grounded in the physical reality of PTSD. Tom’s chapters feel like a slow-motion car crash of realization.
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Why the "South of Forgiveness" Approach is Controversial
Not everyone loves this book. In fact, when their TED talk went viral, the backlash was intense. Many survivors felt that by sharing the stage with her rapist, Thordis was putting an unfair burden on other victims to "forgive" their attackers.
There’s a fear that this narrative creates a "gold standard" for healing.
- "If she can forgive him, why can't you?"
- "Why aren't you as 'evolved' as Thordis?"
But if you actually read the book, you realize she isn't advocating for everyone to follow her path. She’s sharing her path. She’s very clear that forgiveness isn't a gift she’s giving to Tom for his sake. It’s a tool she’s using to sever the tie that binds her to him.
The title itself is a bit of a geographical metaphor. "South" of forgiveness implies a place that is further than we thought we could go. It’s a territory that doesn't have a map. Honestly, some parts of the book feel like they’re trying too hard to find meaning in the meaningless, but that’s the nature of trauma. We’re all just trying to make sense of things that don't make sense.
The Problem with "Common Knowledge" Forgiveness
We usually talk about forgiveness as an internal process. You do it in your head. You do it in therapy. South of Forgiveness argues that for some, the internal process isn't enough. It requires a confrontation with the truth.
The book challenges the legal system's monopoly on justice. In most cases of sexual assault, the legal system fails. Statistically, most perpetrators never see a courtroom. Thordis and Tom created their own system of restorative justice. It’s a DIY version of accountability.
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Is it dangerous? Maybe. It’s certainly not for everyone. But for these two specific people, it was the only way to stop the bleeding.
The Impact on the Reader
You’ll probably finish this book feeling exhausted. It’s a lot to process. It makes you look at your own mistakes—maybe not crimes on this level, but the ways we hurt people and hide from the truth.
It also makes you look at the people around you differently. It strips away the comfort of thinking that "bad people" are easily identifiable. Tom Stranger wasn't a stranger; he was a friend. He was a boyfriend. That’s the most terrifying part of the book.
Key Takeaways from the Thordis Elva and Tom Stranger Narrative
- Accountability is a Verb: It’s not enough to feel sorry. Tom had to show up, listen to the pain he caused, and let Thordis lead the conversation.
- Forgiveness is Not Permission: Forgiving someone doesn't mean what they did was okay. It doesn't mean they are "fixed." It just means you refuse to let the resentment rot you from the inside out.
- The Importance of Names: Throughout the book, they struggle with the labels. Victim. Survivor. Rapist. Man. Woman. They eventually find that the labels are too small for the reality of their lives.
Moving Forward with the Lessons of the Book
If you’re looking for a light beach read, stay away from South of Forgiveness. But if you want to understand the complexities of restorative justice and the sheer, brutal grit it takes to heal from deep-seated trauma, it’s essential.
The book doesn't end with a "happily ever after." It ends with two people who are still flawed, still healing, but no longer haunted by a silence that lasted eighteen years.
Actionable Steps for Processing "South of Forgiveness"
If this book has stirred something up for you, or if you're planning to read it, here’s how to handle the heavy lifting:
- Read it in stages. Don't try to power through this in one sitting. Your brain needs time to regulate after some of the more intense chapters.
- Journal your reactions. If you find yourself getting angry at Thordis or feeling "sorry" for Tom, interrogate that. Why are those emotions bubbling up? The book is a mirror for our own biases about crime and punishment.
- Look into Restorative Justice. If the themes of the book interest you, research organizations like the International Institute for Restorative Practices. There are movements all over the world trying to move away from purely punitive justice toward healing-based models.
- Support survivors. If the book inspires you to take action, consider donating to or volunteering with organizations like RAINN or local domestic violence shelters. The book is a reminder that while Thordis’s story is unique, the crime itself is tragically common.
Ultimately, the book is a testament to the power of the human voice. It shows that when we stop hiding, the monsters lose their power. It’s a hard journey, but as the authors suggest, it’s one worth taking if you want to find your way out of the dark.
Next Steps for Readers
- Watch the Thordis Elva and Tom Stranger TED Talk to see the physical dynamic between them.
- Check out the "Discussion Guide" often included in the back of the book if you’re reading this with a book club; you’re going to need the structure to navigate the inevitable debates.
- Explore Thordis Elva's subsequent work in Iceland regarding gender-based violence legislation.