You’re staring at your phone. The notification bubble mocks you. It’s that one specific phrase that has become the universal white flag of social defeat: "Hey, sorry, something suddenly came up."
It’s vague. It’s frustrating. Honestly, it’s kinda the ultimate conversation killer.
Whether you’re the person sending that text or the one standing outside a restaurant looking at an empty chair, we’ve all been there. But here is the thing: "something suddenly came up" isn't just a sentence. It’s a cultural phenomenon that reveals exactly how we value time, anxiety, and our relationships in an era where we are constantly "on" but frequently overwhelmed.
According to various sociologists and etiquette experts, like the late Judith Martin (better known as Miss Manners), the "vague excuse" has transitioned from a breach of etiquette to a survival mechanism. But at what cost?
The Anatomy of the Vague Excuse
Why do we use it? Because it’s safe.
If you tell someone you’re canceling because your cat threw up, they might judge your house cleaning. If you say you’re too tired, they might tell you to "push through it." But when something suddenly came up, it creates a conversational barrier. It implies an emergency without the commitment of actually having one.
Psychologists often point to "decision fatigue" as a primary driver. By the time 7:00 PM rolls around, your brain is fried. The thought of putting on jeans and performing a "social self" feels like climbing Everest. So, you flake. You send the text. You feel a momentary rush of relief—often called "the joy of canceling"—followed immediately by a lingering sense of guilt.
The problem is that the phrase is a blank canvas. The person on the receiving end doesn't see your exhaustion; they see a lack of priority. They wonder if the "something" was a better offer, a more interesting friend, or just a Netflix binge that beat them out for your attention.
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When "Something" Is Actually a Health Crisis
We need to talk about the elephant in the room: mental health.
For people living with social anxiety or depression, a planned event can feel like a ticking time bomb. The morning of the event, you’re fine. Two hours before? Your heart is racing. Twenty minutes before? You’re paralyzed. In these moments, something suddenly came up is a lifeline.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Hendriksen, author of How to Be Yourself, notes that avoidance provides immediate relief from anxiety but reinforces the fear in the long run. When we use vague excuses to escape social pressure, we aren't just canceling a dinner; we’re training our brains to see social interaction as a threat.
It's a cycle. You cancel because you're anxious. You feel guilty for canceling. That guilt makes you more anxious about seeing the person next time. Rinse and repeat.
The Business of Flaking: Professional Fallout
In a professional setting, the stakes are different. "Something suddenly came up" in a business context is often code for "a bigger fire started elsewhere."
If you’re a freelancer or a consultant, this phrase can be a reputation killer. Clients don't care about the "something"; they care about the deadline. A 2023 study on workplace reliability found that consistency often outweighs raw talent in long-term career success. If you're the person who constantly has "something come up," you become the person people stop calling for the big projects.
But let’s be real. Sometimes things actually happen.
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The pipe bursts. The kid gets a fever. The boss calls an emergency "all-hands" at 4:55 PM. The difference between a professional and an amateur isn't that the professional never has emergencies; it’s how they communicate them.
How to Cancel Without Burning Bridges
If you absolutely have to bail, stop using the vague "something." It’s lazy.
- Be as specific as you can (without oversharing). "I have a family emergency" is better than "something came up." "I’m dealing with a household disaster" works too.
- The "Immediate Re-book" Rule. If you cancel, you must be the one to suggest the new time. Immediately. "I can't make it tonight, something suddenly came up, but are you free next Thursday at 6?"
- The 24-Hour Buffer. If you feel the "cancel itch" 24 hours out, do it then. Don't wait until you’re ten minutes late.
The Social Cost of Low-Stakes Ghosting
We are living in an era of "low-stakes ghosting." Because we are connected by a dozen different apps, we feel like we’re always in touch, which makes individual hangouts feel less precious.
But social capital is a real thing. Every time you show up, you deposit into that bank. Every time something suddenly came up, you’re making a withdrawal.
Think about the "flake ratio." Most friendship groups have one person who is the "reliable one" and one who is "the flake." The reliable one eventually stops inviting the flake. It’s not a conscious punishment; it’s just a natural desire to avoid disappointment. If you find yourself wondering why you aren't being included in the group chat anymore, look back at your sent messages. How many times did you bail at the last second?
What to Do When It Happens to You
It sucks. You’re dressed, you’ve spent money on a gift or a bottle of wine, and then—ping—the text arrives.
First, don't take it personally. Most of the time, the "something" that came up has everything to do with their internal chaos and nothing to do with you.
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Second, set boundaries. If a friend or colleague is a serial flaker, stop making "high-investment" plans with them. Don't buy concert tickets. Don't make reservations that require a credit card deposit. Shift them to "low-stakes" interactions: "I'll be at this coffee shop from 2 to 4, drop by if you can." This puts the burden of showing up on them and protects your time.
Shifting the Culture of "The Flake"
We need to get better at saying "no" upfront.
The reason something suddenly came up is so common is that we say "yes" to things we never intended to do. We say yes because we want to be liked, or because we hope that by next Tuesday, we’ll magically be a different, more energetic person.
Be the person who says, "I’d love to see you, but this week is insane and I know I’ll be exhausted. Can we check in next month?" It feels harsher in the moment, but it’s infinitely more respectful.
Honesty is actually a better SEO strategy for your life. It builds trust. It ensures that when you do have a legitimate emergency and tell someone something suddenly came up, they actually believe you.
Actionable Steps for Reclaiming Your Schedule
Stop the cycle of flaking before it starts. It’s better for your reputation and your mental health.
- The 48-Hour Gut Check: Look at your calendar two days out. If you feel a sense of dread about an appointment, cancel it now. Give the other person time to pivot.
- Audit Your "Yes": Before saying yes to an invite, ask yourself: "If this were happening in one hour, would I want to go?" If the answer is no, don't book it for three weeks from now.
- Own the Truth: Next time you’re tempted to say something came up, try: "I've had a really draining day and I don't think I'd be very good company. Can we reschedule?" You’ll be surprised how often people respond with, "Oh my god, me too."
- The "One-Strike" Professional Policy: In business, if a collaborator flakes with a vague excuse, move them to a "confirmation required" list. Don't start work or travel until they confirm 3 hours before.
- Repair the Damage: If you’ve been the serial flaker lately, send a "no-pressure" text to your circle. "Hey, I know I’ve been MIA/flaky lately. I’ve been overwhelmed, but I value our friendship. Dinner is on me next time we link up."
Life is messy. Things will always "come up." The trick isn't being perfect; it's being human enough to admit why you can't make it.