You've probably seen the scenes in movies where people are sitting around a wooden kitchen table, drinking whiskey, and telling stories while a body rests in the corner of the room. It feels ancient. It feels a little bit spooky. But honestly, it's one of the most human things we've ever done.
If you’re wondering what is a waking, you’re essentially looking at the "wake"—the period of time where the living stay with the deceased before burial. It’s a vigil. It's a watch. It’s a bridge between the moment someone stops breathing and the moment they are committed to the earth or the fire.
The Raw Reality of Sitting a Wake
In the modern funeral industry, we’ve outsourced death. We call a professional, they whisk the body away in a van, and we see our loved one again three days later in a temperature-controlled room with soft lighting. But a waking is different. Historically, a waking happened at home. It was the "Death Midwifery" of the past.
Families would clear out the "good room." They’d cover the mirrors—an old superstition to keep the soul from getting trapped—and they would sit. They would literally stay awake. That’s where the name comes from. You stay awake to keep watch. Why? Well, back in the day, people were terrified of being buried alive. Medical science wasn't exactly what it is now. You sat there to make sure they stayed dead, basically.
It sounds morbid. It isn't.
The Irish Influence and the "Merry Wake"
You can't talk about what is a waking without mentioning Ireland. The Irish Wake is legendary, and it’s probably the version you’re most familiar with. It wasn't just a somber prayer session. It was a party. It was a riot. There was poteen (moonshine), heavy tobacco use, and storytelling that would last until the sun came up.
Actually, the Catholic Church hated it for centuries.
In the 17th and 18th centuries, bishops were constantly issuing decrees trying to ban the "excesses" of wakes. They hated the dancing. They hated the singing. They especially hated the "wake games." Yes, people played games. There's a famous one called "The Knight of the Giddy Grey Mare." It involved people jumping around and hitting each other with bladders or sticks. It was chaos. But the chaos served a purpose: it pushed the grief out. It made the silence of death less deafening.
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Why We Are Seeing a "Home Wake" Revival
We are in 2026, and things are shifting back. People are tired of the sterile, expensive, $12,000 funeral home experience. They want something "real."
There is a growing movement of death doulas and "Green Burial" advocates who are teaching people how to hold a waking at home again. Honestly, it’s a lot of work. You need dry ice. You need to understand the legalities of your specific state or country (in most of the US, it’s perfectly legal to keep a body at home for a few days). But for many, it’s the only way to actually process the loss.
When you sit a waking, you aren't rushing.
You’re watching the person change. You’re seeing the reality of the situation sink in. It’s slow. It’s visceral. It’s the opposite of a 20-minute slot at a crematorium chapel.
The Practical Side of the Vigil
What do people actually do during a waking?
- Telling the "Truth": This isn't the time for the polished eulogy. This is for the "remember when he accidentally set the garage on fire" stories.
- The Food: In many cultures, a waking is defined by the menu. In Jewish traditions (the Shemira), the "watchers" or Shomerim stay with the body, reciting Psalms. While not a "party" like an Irish wake, the community support through food is massive.
- Physical Presence: People often touch the deceased, comb their hair, or hold their hand. It’s a way of saying goodbye through the skin.
The Cultural Variations You Probably Didn't Know
If you think a waking is just an Irish thing, you're missing the bigger picture. In the Philippines, the Pagsisiyam involves a nine-day period of prayer, but the actual wake (Lamay) can last for days or weeks. It’s a social event. People play cards. They gamble. The money from the gambling often goes to the family to help pay for the funeral.
In some parts of the Southern United States, "sitting up with the dead" was a standard neighborly duty. If someone died, the neighbors didn't just send a Hallmark card. They grabbed a thermos of coffee and sat in the parlor so the family could sleep. It was a literal communal burden-sharing.
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Is It "Creepy"?
Look, we've become death-phobic. We see a body and we think "horror movie." But for most of human history, a dead body was just... a dead person. Someone you loved. A waking strips away the Hollywood ghost-story nonsense and replaces it with a heavy, quiet dignity.
There is a specific smell—not a bad one, usually just the smell of flowers and old wood and maybe some incense. There is a specific sound, which is usually a low hum of voices. It’s not creepy once you’re in it. It’s just heavy.
How to Organize a Modern Waking
If you’re actually considering this for a loved one, you need to be prepared. It isn't as simple as just not calling the funeral director.
First, check your local laws. Some states require an embalmer if the body isn't buried within 24 to 48 hours, but others have no such rules as long as you use cooling methods like Techni-ice or dry ice. You’ll want to contact a "Home Funeral Guide." These aren't funeral directors; they are educators who help you navigate the logistics.
You also need a "support crew." You cannot sit a 48-hour waking alone. You will hallucinate from sleep deprivation. You need a rotation of friends who are comfortable with the situation.
Things to Have on Hand:
- Essential Oils: Lavender or frankincense can help maintain a peaceful atmosphere.
- Music: Not just "sad" music. Play their favorite records. If they loved Fleetwood Mac, play Fleetwood Mac.
- A Journal: Place a book near the body for people to write down thoughts they never got to say.
- Cooling Supplies: This is the unglamorous part. Keeping the torso cool is the primary goal of a home waking.
The Psychological Impact
Psychologists who study grief—like those following the work of Alan Wolfelt—often talk about the importance of "mourning" versus "grieving." Grieving is what you feel inside. Mourning is the outward expression.
A waking is the ultimate act of mourning.
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It provides a container for the initial shock. When you’re forced to stay in the room with the reality of death, your brain begins to wire the "after" version of your life. It prevents that weird, disassociated feeling of "I just saw them yesterday, they can't be gone." Because you were there. You watched the transition. You sat the watch.
What Most People Get Wrong
The biggest misconception is that a waking is the same as a "viewing."
A viewing is a scheduled event at a business. You have a start time and an end time. You sign a guest book. You leave.
A waking is a state of being. It’s an open-ended vigil. It’s messy. People cry, then they laugh, then they eat a sandwich, then they cry again. It doesn't have a "performance" aspect to it. It’s raw. It’s also not just for the religious. Even if you don't believe in a soul or an afterlife, the act of sitting with a body is a secular ritual of respect. It’s saying, "Your life mattered enough for me to sit in the dark with you one last time."
Actionable Steps for Moving Forward
If the idea of a traditional, corporate funeral feels "wrong" to you, here is how you start looking into the waking alternative:
- Research the "Order of the Good Death": This organization, founded by Caitlin Doughty, is the gold standard for learning about alternative death care.
- Locate a Death Doula: Use directories like the National End-of-Life Doula Alliance (NEDA) to find someone in your area who can facilitate a home wake.
- Talk to Your Family NOW: You cannot spring a home waking on a grieving family. It has to be a pre-discussed plan. Write it in your advance directive.
- Start Small: You don't have to do a full 3-day Irish wake. You can simply request "private time" with the body at the funeral home before any embalming or public events. Most directors will give you a few hours if you ask firmly.
The waking is a return to a more honest way of dying. It’s about not looking away. It’s about staying awake when everything in you wants to shut down and forget. It is, quite literally, the last gift you can give to someone you love.
Whether you're pouring a glass of whiskey for a departed friend or sitting in silent prayer, you're participating in a human tradition that spans millennia. It’s not about death; it’s about the honor of having lived.