Silence is rarely golden in the bedroom. Most of us have been there, staring at the ceiling or burying a face in a pillow, wondering if we should say something, anything, to break the quiet. But then the panic sets in. What if it sounds cheesy? What if I sound like a bad 90s adult film?
The truth is, sexy things to say during sex aren't about following a script you memorized from a Reddit thread. It’s about vocalizing the internal monologue of your desire.
Dr. Ian Kerner, a well-known sex therapist and author of She Comes First, often discusses how "sex talk" acts as a bridge between the physical act and the psychological arousal. If your brain isn't invited to the party, the body eventually gets bored. Talk is the invitation.
The psychological power of the "Dirty Talk" barrier
Why does it feel so weird to speak up? It’s usually shame. Or performance anxiety. We spend our whole lives being told to be polite, quiet, and composed. Then, suddenly, we're expected to be a linguistic firecracker in bed.
It’s a massive gear shift.
Research suggests that verbal communication during intimacy significantly boosts sexual satisfaction. A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that couples who communicate their sexual needs and desires—both in and out of the bedroom—report much higher levels of relationship bliss.
You don't need to be a poet. Honestly, simple is better.
Starting small with "Green Light" phrases
If you're nervous, don't start with a three-sentence monologue about what you want to do with a tub of whipped cream. Start with feedback.
"Green light" phrases are just verbal cues that tell your partner they are doing a good job. They are the easiest sexy things to say during sex because they require zero imagination. You're just reporting the news.
"That feels incredible."
"Right there."
"Don't stop."
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These aren't just directions; they are affirmations. When you tell someone "I love how you're touching me," you are validating their skill. That's an ego boost. An ego boost is an aphrodisiac.
Think about the tone. A low, breathy "Yes" is worth more than a shouted paragraph. It’s about the vibration of the voice as much as the words.
The transition to descriptive desire
Once you've mastered the feedback loop, you can move into descriptive territory. This is where you start describing what is happening or how it feels in more evocative ways.
Instead of just saying "that's good," try describing the sensation. "You're so warm," or "I love the way you look right now."
Notice the shift?
You're moving from a physical report to an emotional and visual one. Most people are incredibly self-conscious about their bodies during sex. By saying "you look so hot like that," you are killing their insecurity. You're giving them permission to be present.
Justin Lehmiller, a research fellow at The Kinsey Institute, has noted in his work that "sexual self-disclosure"—the act of sharing your fantasies and feelings—is a core component of intimacy. When you describe what you're feeling, you're disclosing your inner state.
It’s vulnerable. Vulnerability is sexy.
What most people get wrong about "Dirty Talk"
People think "dirty talk" has to be derogatory or aggressive. It really doesn't. Unless that's your specific kink—and if it is, make sure you've had the "consent and boundaries" talk long before the clothes come off—most people actually prefer "sweet" or "intense" talk.
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The biggest mistake? Lack of authenticity.
If you say something that feels fake to you, it will sound fake to them. If you’ve never used the word "mistress" in your life, don't start using it at 11:30 PM on a Tuesday.
Try this instead: Focus on the future tense or the immediate past.
- Future: "I've been thinking about this all day."
- Immediate Past: "I can still feel where you touched me earlier."
These phrases build a narrative. They turn a single sexual encounter into a continuous story of attraction.
The "Show and Tell" method
Sometimes the best sexy things to say during sex are actually questions. Not "did you take the trash out" questions, obviously. But "How does this feel?" or "Do you like it when I...?"
This isn't just about gathering information. It’s a way to center the pleasure of your partner.
When you ask, "What do you want me to do to you?" you are handing over the reins. You're showing that their pleasure is your priority.
But here’s a tip: don’t ask too many questions. You’re not an investigative journalist. Mix a question with a statement. "I want to make you feel good... tell me what you need."
Navigating the awkwardness of new phrases
It’s going to be awkward at first. You might laugh. They might laugh.
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That’s fine.
Laughter doesn't kill the mood; it builds safety. If you try a new phrase and it lands with a thud, just acknowledge it. "Well, that sounded cooler in my head." Then kiss them and move on.
The goal isn't to be a professional voice actor. The goal is to connect.
Some people find it helpful to start "talking" via text before they even get home. This "digital foreplay" lowers the stakes. You can test out certain words or ideas in a text message where you have time to edit. If they respond well to a "dirty" text, they’ll likely respond well to the same sentiment in person.
The power of the "Afterglow" conversation
What you say after is just as important as what you say during.
In the world of psychology, this is called "post-coital behavior." It’s the period where oxytocin—the bonding hormone—is at its peak. This is the time to reinforce the connection.
"I can't believe how much I'm into you."
"That was exactly what I needed."
These phrases solidify the experience. They make the sex feel like a shared victory rather than just a physical release.
Actionable steps for more vocal intimacy
If you want to start incorporating more vocalization but feel stuck, try these specific shifts over the next week.
- The 5-Word Rule: Try to use at least one five-word sentence of praise during your next encounter. Just one.
- Mirroring: Listen to what your partner says. If they use a certain word or tone, try mirroring it back to them. This creates a "shared language."
- Focus on the Senses: Pick one sense (sight, touch, sound) and comment on it. "You smell so good," is a classic for a reason.
- Vary the Volume: Experiment with whispering directly into their ear. The ear is packed with nerve endings; the physical sensation of your breath combined with the words is a double-whammy of stimulation.
- Narrate the Action: Simply say what you are doing as you do it. "I'm going to kiss you here." It builds anticipation.
Talking in bed isn't about performance; it's about presence. When you speak, you are proving that you are right there, in the moment, with that person. No distractions. No wandering thoughts about tomorrow's meeting. Just the two of you and the words between you.
Start with a "yes," and see where the conversation takes you.