Let’s be real for a second. Most of the advice floating around the internet about tips in having sex is either incredibly clinical or weirdly performative. You’ve probably seen the "10 positions to try tonight" lists that require the flexibility of a Cirque du Soleil performer and honestly just end up with someone pulling a hamstring. It's frustrating. We live in an era where information is everywhere, yet many people still feel like they’re missing a secret manual.
Sex is complicated. It’s physical, sure, but it’s also a massive psychological game. According to Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., author of the groundbreaking book Come As You Are, our sexual response systems are basically made of "accelerators" and "brakes." Most of us spend all our time looking for new ways to hit the gas pedal. We ignore the stuff that’s slamming on the brakes. Stress, body image issues, or even just a messy bedroom can act as a massive internal "no." If you want things to feel better, you have to look at the whole picture, not just the mechanics.
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The Mental Game of Great Sex
We need to talk about "brain-to-body" connection. It sounds like something a yoga teacher would say, but it’s the literal foundation of pleasure. If your head is stuck thinking about an email you forgot to send or why the neighbor’s dog won’t stop barking, your body isn't going to show up. This is what researchers call "spectatoring." You’re watching yourself have sex instead of actually feeling it. It’s a mood killer.
One of the most effective tips in having sex is practicing mindfulness. I know, I know. It’s a buzzword. But in a sexual context, it just means noticing the sensation of your partner's skin or the sound of their breath. It grounds you. When you’re grounded, your nervous system relaxes. A relaxed nervous system is a prerequisite for arousal, especially for those who experience responsive desire.
Responsive vs. Spontaneous Desire
This is a big one. About 15% of women and some men experience spontaneous desire—that "out of the blue" urge to jump someone’s bones. But the vast majority of people, particularly those in long-term relationships, experience responsive desire. This means the desire doesn't show up until after the stimulation starts. If you're waiting for a lightning bolt of horniness to strike before you initiate, you might be waiting a long time.
Understanding this changes the game. It takes the pressure off "not being in the mood." Sometimes, you just have to start and see if your body catches up. It’s not about forcing anything; it’s about giving yourself permission to enter the space without needing to be at a 10/10 excitement level right away.
Communication Without the Cringe
"Talk to your partner" is the most common advice because it’s the most ignored. Why? Because talking about sex is awkward. Even with someone you've seen naked a thousand times, saying "I want you to do X" feels vulnerable.
But here’s the thing: your partner is not a mind reader. They might think they’re doing a great job because you’re being polite. Stop being polite. You don't have to be a drill sergeant, but specific feedback is a gift. Instead of saying "that feels good," try "a little more to the left" or "softer."
The "Green-Light" Method
If verbalizing in the heat of the moment feels too intense, try the traffic light system.
- Green: Keep doing exactly what you're doing.
- Yellow: I like the idea, but maybe change the speed or pressure.
- Red: Stop. Let's try something else.
It’s simple. It removes the need for long-winded explanations when you're busy doing other things. It also builds a massive amount of trust. When your partner knows you’ll tell them "red" if something isn't working, they can relax and explore more freely because they aren't worried about hurting or bothering you.
Physical Logistics and Comfort
We have to address the "boring" stuff. Lube is not a sign that something is wrong. It’s not an admission of "failure" or "dryness." In fact, a study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that women who used lubricant reported significantly higher levels of pleasure and satisfaction. Friction is the enemy of sustained pleasure. Use more than you think you need. Seriously.
Then there's the environment. Temperature matters. Lighting matters. If you’re freezing cold, your blood flow is directed to your core to keep you alive, not to your extremities or pelvic region. Put on a heater. Light a candle. Dim the lights. These aren't just romantic clichés; they are sensory cues that tell your brain it’s safe to transition from "survival mode" to "pleasure mode."
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Breaking the "Orgasm-Centric" Cycle
One of the best tips in having sex I ever heard was to take the orgasm off the table. Our culture is obsessed with the finish line. We treat sex like a race where the only way to win is a big "O." This creates performance anxiety.
When you focus solely on the climax, you miss the 99% of the experience that happens before it. Sometimes, the goal should just be "feeling good." If an orgasm happens, cool. If not, also cool. This shift in perspective often makes an orgasm more likely because it removes the stress that blocks it in the first place. This is especially true for women, as only about 25% of women consistently orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. External stimulation (clitoral) is usually the "main event" for most, not a "side dish."
The Importance of Aftercare
What happens after the act is just as important as the act itself. Aftercare isn't just for the BDSM community; it’s for everyone. When sex ends, there’s a massive hormonal drop. Oxytocin—the "cuddle hormone"—is flooding your system, but so is a sense of vulnerability.
Don’t just roll over and check your phone. Stay connected for five or ten minutes. Cuddle, talk, or just breathe together. This reinforces the emotional bond and makes the physical experience feel like part of a relationship rather than just a biological release. It builds the foundation for the next time you have sex.
Actionable Steps for Better Intimacy
If you want to see actual improvement in your sex life, you have to move beyond just reading about it. Start with these concrete moves:
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- The 10-Minute Touch Rule: Once a week, spend ten minutes touching each other without the goal of sex. No genital contact. Just massage, holding hands, or scratching their back. It rebuilds the "non-demanding" touch that often disappears in long-term couples.
- Audit Your "Brakes": Sit down and think about what turns you off. Is it a cluttered house? Work stress? Body insecurity? Identify one "brake" you can mitigate this week. Maybe that means doing the dishes before trying to initiate so your partner isn't thinking about the sink.
- Update Your Vocabulary: Find one new way to describe what you like. Instead of "good," use words like "intense," "sharp," "dull," "rhythmic," or "heavy."
- Buy High-Quality Lube: Move away from the cheap, sticky stuff at the grocery store. Look for water-based or silicone-based options that are glycerin and paraben-free. Your body will thank you.
- Change the Time: If you’re always trying to have sex at 11:30 PM when you’re both exhausted, stop. Try a Saturday morning or a random Tuesday afternoon. Energy levels dictate quality more than we like to admit.
Improving your sex life is a practice, not a destination. It requires a mix of self-awareness, communication, and a willingness to be a little bit "bad" at it while you figure out what works for you and your partner. Put the phone down, close the laptop, and actually talk to the person next to you. That’s the most important tip of all.