Let’s be honest. Nobody tells you that the person you’re most excited to see at the altar might eventually become the person you’re most likely to ignore while scrolling through TikTok at 11:00 PM. It’s the great unspoken reality of long-term commitment. Sex in the marriage isn't some static thing that just stays "good" because you both said "I do." It’s fluid. It’s messy. Sometimes, frankly, it’s a chore.
We’ve all heard the jokes about "marriage bed" being a synonym for a coffin. But the data tells a more nuanced story. According to the General Social Survey (GSS), married couples actually have more sex than their single counterparts, yet the perception of a sexual drought remains a massive stressor for millions. Why? Because the quality and the emotional weight of those encounters change when you're sharing a mortgage and a stomach flu.
The Myth of Spontaneous Desire
Most of us grew up on a diet of rom-coms where people rip each other’s clothes off in a hallway. That's "spontaneous desire." It’s great when you’re three months into a relationship and your brain is basically a soup of dopamine and norepinephrine. But for many, especially women, sex in the marriage relies on "responsive desire."
This is a concept popularized by researchers like Dr. Emily Nagoski in her book Come As You Are. Responsive desire means you aren't just walking around horny. You need a context. You need to feel relaxed. You need to start the process before the "feeling" kicks in. If you're waiting to be struck by a lightning bolt of lust while folding laundry, you’re going to be waiting a long time.
It’s about the "brakes" and the "accelerators."
Think about it like this: your brain has a system that notices sexual stimuli (accelerators) and a system that notices reasons not to be turned on (brakes). In a marriage, the brakes are usually working overtime. Stress. Kids. The pile of dishes. If you don't address the brakes, no amount of "spicing things up" with new lingerie is going to help. You can’t drive a car with your foot slammed on the brake, no matter how hard you hit the gas.
Why the "Seven Year Itch" Is Actually a Biological Reality
Is it actually seven years? Sometimes it’s three. Sometimes it’s ten. But there is a documented dip in marital satisfaction and sexual frequency that typically hits after the "honeymoon phase" dissolves.
Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, has studied this extensively. She suggests that the intense, obsessive "limerence" of a new relationship is designed by evolution to last just long enough to raise a child through infancy. Once that chemical high wears off, you're left with "companionate love." This is a deeper, more stable bond, but it’s far less chemically volatile.
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The danger here is "roommate syndrome." You become a great domestic team. You’re efficient. You’re kind. But you’ve stopped being lovers.
The Conflict of Intimacy and Autonomy
Esther Perel, a renowned psychotherapist and author of Mating in Captivity, often speaks about the fundamental tension in sex in the marriage. Humans have two conflicting needs: the need for security (safety, habit, predictability) and the need for adventure (mystery, risk, novelty).
Marriage is the ultimate security. But sex requires a bit of "otherness." When you know exactly what your partner is going to say, what they’re wearing, and how they smell at any given moment, the mystery evaporates. To keep sex alive, you have to find ways to see your partner as an individual again—not just as your "co-parent" or "roommate."
The Physical Reality: Health and Hormones
We can't talk about sex in the marriage without acknowledging that bodies change. It’s not just "all in your head."
For men, testosterone levels naturally decline by about 1% to 2% per year after age 30. This can lead to lower libido and erectile dysfunction (ED). For women, the transition through perimenopause and menopause involves a drastic drop in estrogen, which can make sex physically painful or simply unappealing.
- Medication side effects: SSRIs (antidepressants) are notorious for killing libido.
- Sleep deprivation: If you have toddlers, your "sex drive" is probably just a "sleep drive."
- Body image: We live in a culture that deifies youth. If you don’t feel sexy in your changing body, you won't want to be seen.
If the physical stuff isn't working, the emotional stuff usually follows suit. It's a feedback loop. You stop having sex because it's difficult, then you feel disconnected, then you want sex even less.
The "Frequency" Trap
How much sex are people actually having?
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A study published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science found that once a week is the "sweet spot" for happiness. Interestingly, having sex more than once a week didn't significantly increase the reported happiness of the couples.
The problem is that we compare our "behind the scenes" with everyone else's "highlight reel." You might think every other couple is having a marathon session three times a week. They aren't. They’re probably watching The Bear and eating popcorn.
Comparison is the thief of joy, but in marriage, it’s the thief of intimacy.
Communication: Beyond "Are You In The Mood?"
"Talking about it" is the advice everyone gives and everyone hates. Why? Because talking about sex in the marriage feels incredibly vulnerable. It’s the one area where we feel most judged and most rejected.
Instead of asking "why don't we do it anymore?", experts like Dr. John Gottman suggest focusing on "bids for connection." A bid can be a touch on the shoulder, a compliment, or a shared joke. Couples who turn toward these bids are much more likely to maintain a healthy sexual relationship than those who turn away.
Scheduling Sex: Not as Unromantic as You Think
People recoil at the idea of a "sex calendar." It sounds clinical. It sounds like a dentist appointment.
But guess what? Everything important in your life is scheduled. Your work meetings. Your kid's soccer games. Your dinner with friends. If you leave sex in the marriage to "whenever the mood strikes," and the mood never strikes because you’re exhausted, it just won't happen.
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Scheduling sex creates a "mental runway." It allows you to anticipate it. It allows you to manage your energy throughout the day so you aren't a zombie by 9:00 PM.
Actionable Steps to Shift the Dynamic
If you're feeling the "dry spell" creeping in, don't panic. It's common. It's also fixable, but it requires intentionality, not just hope.
Address the "Mental Load" First
If one partner is doing 80% of the housework and mental planning, they are likely too resentful to feel sexual. True intimacy starts in the kitchen. Share the burden of the household so both partners have the mental space to actually want each other.
The 6-Second Kiss
Dr. Gottman recommends a six-second kiss every day. It’s long enough to feel like a moment of connection rather than a perfunctory peck. It triggers the release of oxytocin and helps maintain a baseline of physical closeness.
Change the Scenery
Novelty is the antidote to boredom. This doesn't mean you need to go to a swingers' club. It means going to a new restaurant, taking a weekend trip, or even just sleeping on the other side of the bed. Anything that breaks the "autopilot" mode of your brain helps.
Get a Medical Checkup
If the desire is gone or things hurt, see a doctor. Low testosterone, thyroid issues, or hormonal imbalances are often the culprit. Fixing the biology can make the emotional work ten times easier.
Focus on "Outercourse"
Lower the stakes. Sometimes the pressure to "go all the way" is what stops people from starting. Focus on touch, massage, or heavy petting without the goal of intercourse. It removes the performance anxiety and builds back the comfort of being naked and close.
Sex in the marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. There will be seasons of abundance and seasons of drought. The goal isn't to have the sex life of a 22-year-old on spring break; it's to build a unique sexual language that belongs only to the two of you, evolving as you do. Stop looking for the "spark" to just appear and start being the one who strikes the match. Focus on connection over performance, and the rest usually finds a way to follow.