Most people think they’re "good" communicators because they don't yell. They show up, they listen—or think they do—and they try to be polite. But then, things still go sideways. A simple request at work turns into a week-long cold war, or a partner feels "unheard" even though you literally repeated what they said back to them. It’s exhausting. Honestly, it’s why Oren Jay Sofer’s Say What You Mean book has become a bit of a quiet revolution in the world of personal development.
It isn't just another manual on how to talk. It's about why we’re so bad at it in the first place.
The Problem With Just "Being Nice"
We’re taught from a young age to be polite. Mask your feelings. Use your inside voice. But "polite" is often just a thin veil for passive-aggression or, worse, total emotional dishonesty. You’ve probably been in a meeting where someone says, "I hear you, but..." and you immediately know they didn't hear a single word. They were just waiting for their turn to speak.
Sofer, who has a background in both Buddhist meditation and Nonviolent Communication (NVC), argues that communication isn't a "soft skill." It's a discipline. He breaks the practice down into three main pillars: Presence, Intention, and Attention. If you’re missing even one of these, your conversation is basically a car with a flat tire. You might get where you’re going, but it’s going to be a bumpy, miserable ride.
Why Presence is the First Hurdle
Think about the last time you had a "tough" talk. Were you actually there? Or were you three steps ahead, rehearsing your rebuttal while the other person was still mid-sentence?
Most of us are time-traveling. We’re in the past, ruminating on what they said ten minutes ago, or in the future, worrying about how this ends. The Say What You Mean book hits hard on the idea that if you aren't grounded in your physical body during a conversation, you've already lost the connection. When you lose that connection, you start reacting instead of responding. Reactivity is the death of understanding. It’s that heat in your chest or the way your jaw locks up. If you don't notice those physical cues, you're just a puppet for your nervous system.
The Three Pillars: More Than Just Theory
Sofer doesn't just give you "I" statements and tell you to have a nice day. He pulls from the work of Marshall Rosenberg (the founder of NVC) but adds a layer of contemplative practice that makes it feel less like a script and more like a way of living.
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- Lead with Presence. This is about the "where." Where is your mind? If it's not in the room, you aren't communicating; you're just broadcasting.
- Come from Curiosity and Care. This is the "why." If your intention is to "win" the argument or "prove" you’re right, you will fail. Even if the other person agrees with you, you haven't actually communicated. You've just coerced them. True communication requires a shift from wanting to be right to wanting to understand.
- Focus on What Matters. This is the "what." Most of us get bogged down in the "strategies"—the who did what and when. Sofer pushes us to look deeper at the needs. What is actually at stake here? Is it a need for respect? Security? Autonomy?
The "Curiosity" Trap
People often mistake curiosity for interrogation. You start asking "why" questions. "Why did you do that?" "Why do you feel that way?" In reality, "why" usually sounds like an accusation. It puts people on the defensive.
Sofer suggests a different approach. Instead of "Why are you late?" (which is really a judgment disguised as a question), you look at the observation. "I see it's 9:15, and we agreed to start at 9:00." It sounds clinical, sure. But it removes the shame. When you remove shame, people can actually hear you.
Why Your "Intentions" Are Probably Messy
Here is the uncomfortable truth: most of our intentions are "blended." We want to be kind, but we also want to make sure they know they messed up. We want to be helpful, but we also want credit for being the helper.
In the Say What You Mean book, there is a heavy emphasis on purifying that intention. It’s a bit like tuning an instrument. If you go into a conversation with the hidden agenda of "making them see how much they hurt me," you aren't looking for a resolution. You're looking for an apology. Those are two very different things. Resolution moves you forward; an apology often just feeds the ego.
Real-World Application: The "Wait" Technique
One of the most practical takeaways from Sofer’s work is the acronym W.A.I.T.—Why Am I Talking?
It sounds snarky, but it’s a life-saver in high-stakes environments.
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- Am I talking to fill the silence?
- Am I talking because I’m uncomfortable?
- Am I talking to dominate the space?
If you can pause for even three seconds before responding, the quality of your interaction shifts. It gives your "lizard brain" a chance to cool down and your prefrontal cortex a chance to take the wheel.
Does This Work in Business?
A lot of people think mindful communication is just for therapy sessions or yoga retreats. That’s a mistake. In a corporate setting, "saying what you mean" saves an incredible amount of time. Think about the hours wasted on "alignment meetings" that happen because nobody was clear the first time.
When you use the framework from the Say What You Mean book, you stop hinting. You stop being "nice" and start being "clear." Clarity is kind. Vagueness is actually a form of selfishness—it protects you from the discomfort of being direct, but it leaves the other person guessing.
The Limitation of the Method
We have to be realistic here. You can be the most mindful, present, and compassionate communicator on the planet, and the other person can still be a jerk.
Sofer acknowledges this. Mindful communication isn't a magic spell that turns everyone else into saints. It’s a way to maintain your own integrity regardless of what the other person does. It's about knowing that you showed up fully. Sometimes, the most "mindful" thing you can do is realize a conversation isn't going anywhere and choosing to walk away. That’s also "saying what you mean."
Actionable Steps for Today
If you want to start implementing this without reading the whole 300 pages tonight, start here:
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1. The "One Breath" Rule
Before you reply to an email that annoyed you, or a text that felt dismissive, take exactly one full breath. Notice if your shoulders are up by your ears. Drop them. Then type.
2. Identify the Need, Not the Grievance
Next time you’re frustrated with someone, ask yourself: "What is the universal human need I’m lacking right now?" Is it Ease? Support? Consideration? Speak to that need instead of the mistake.
3. Practice Active Silence
In your next conversation, try to let the other person finish their entire thought. Then, count to two in your head before you say anything. It will feel like an eternity. It will also probably make the other person feel more respected than they have in weeks.
4. Check Your "Internal Weather"
Throughout the day, just check in. Are you "cloudy"? "Stormy"? "Clear"? If you’re stormy, maybe don't have that big talk with your boss until the weather shifts.
The Say What You Mean book isn't about perfection. It’s about the "turn." You’re going to mess up. You’re going to get snarky. You’re going to shut down. The practice is in how quickly you can notice it and "turn" back toward presence. That’s where the actual growth happens.
Stop trying to win the conversation and start trying to be in it. It’s a lot harder, but the results actually last.