He’s charming. He’s a neurosurgeon. He’s wealthy, handsome, and deeply flawed. When readers first encounter It Ends With Us Ryle Kincaid, he seems like the ultimate romance novel hero—the "book boyfriend" everyone dreams of finding. But Colleen Hoover didn't write a fairy tale. She wrote a story about the cycle of abuse, and Ryle is the engine that keeps that cycle spinning.
Honestly, the discourse around Ryle is messy. Some people still try to defend him because of his "tragic backstory," while others see him as a straightforward villain. The truth is somewhere in the middle, and that’s exactly what makes him so dangerous. He isn't a monster 100% of the time. If he were, Lily Bloom would have walked away on day one. It’s the 90% of him that is loving and brilliant that makes the 10% that is violent so difficult to escape.
The Anatomy of the First Impression
The rooftop scene is iconic for a reason. Ryle is frustrated, kicking a chair, showing a glimpse of a temper that we eventually learn is a ticking time bomb. Yet, his chemistry with Lily is undeniable. He’s upfront about not wanting a relationship, which—let’s be real—is a classic red flag wrapped in "honesty."
Lily falls for him. Hard. And you can’t really blame her. Ryle represents everything successful and modern. He’s driven. He’s a surgeon who saves lives. In the world of Colleen Hoover’s It Ends With Us Ryle is positioned as the antithesis to Lily’s father. Or so she thinks. The irony is that while she spent her childhood hating her father for hitting her mother, she ends up married to a man who mirrors those exact behaviors.
Breaking Down the Incidents
We have to talk about the "accidents." This is where the writing gets uncomfortable because it mimics the way real-life survivors of domestic battery often rationalize trauma.
The first time Ryle hits Lily, it’s because she laughs when he burns his hand on a casserole dish. It’s framed as a reflexive, accidental strike. Lily justifies it. She thinks, He’s stressed. He’s a surgeon. He didn't mean it. But the pattern continues. The second incident involves a fall down the stairs. The third is a brutal attempted sexual assault and physical beating after he finds Atlas Corrigan’s number in her phone. By the time we reach the end of the book, the "it was just an accident" excuse has evaporated. Ryle Kincaid is an abuser. Period.
The Childhood Trauma Factor
Hoover gives Ryle a "reason" for his rage: the accidental shooting of his brother, Emerson, when they were children. It’s a gut-wrenching piece of backstory. It explains why he’s a neurosurgeon (he wants to fix brains) and why he has an explosive temper.
But here’s the thing. Trauma is an explanation, not an excuse.
Many readers get stuck here. They feel bad for little Ryle. They want Lily to "heal" him. But Lily realizes—and this is the core message of the book—that she cannot be the one to fix him at the expense of her own safety and the safety of her daughter, Emerson. Named after the brother he lost, the baby becomes the catalyst for Lily finally breaking the cycle.
Justin Baldoni vs. The Book Version
The 2024 film adaptation brought a new layer to It Ends With Us Ryle through Justin Baldoni’s performance. In the book, Ryle is often described as almost superhumanly attractive and intense. On screen, Baldoni played him with a specific kind of vulnerability that made the later scenes of violence even more jarring.
There was a lot of behind-the-scenes drama regarding the movie's promotion, with rumors of a rift between Baldoni and Blake Lively. Some felt the marketing focused too much on the "floral, fun" side of the story and not enough on the domestic violence aspect. Baldoni, however, was very vocal about Ryle being the antagonist. He didn't want to glamorize the character. He wanted people to see the cracks in the perfection.
Why We Still Talk About Him
Ryle is a Rorschach test for readers. If you’ve never been in an abusive relationship, you might find yourself thinking Lily should have given him one more chance after he went to therapy. If you have been in that situation, Ryle is terrifyingly familiar.
He uses "love bombing." He provides for her. He makes her feel like the only woman in the world. And then, he snaps. The cycle of tension, explosion, and honeymoon phase is textbook.
- The Tension Building: Ryle’s jealousy over Atlas.
- The Incident: The physical assault.
- The Reconciliation: Ryle begging for forgiveness, crying, and reminding Lily of their history.
This is why the book resonated with millions. It wasn't about a girl falling for a "bad boy" who treats everyone poorly. It was about a woman falling for a "good man" who had a dark, violent side he couldn't control.
The Reality of the "Ending"
Lily’s decision to divorce Ryle is the most important part of his character arc, even though it’s her choice, not his. She chooses to co-parent. This is a controversial point. Some people think Ryle shouldn't be allowed near the child at all. Others see the ending as a realistic depiction of how complicated these situations are when a child is involved.
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By the time the sequel, It Starts with Us, rolls around, we see Ryle from a distance. He’s still struggling with his temper. He’s still jealous. He hasn't had a magical transformation. That’s perhaps the most "human" thing about his character—he doesn't just get better because he lost the woman he loved. Change requires deep, internal work that Ryle wasn't necessarily ready to do.
What to Take Away From Ryle's Story
If you’re looking at It Ends With Us Ryle as a case study, there are a few hard truths to acknowledge.
First, someone can love you and still be bad for you. Love is not a shield against violence. Ryle loved Lily in his own way, but his love was possessive and lacked the self-control required to keep her safe.
Second, the "fixer" mentality is a trap. Lily couldn't fix Ryle's childhood trauma. Only Ryle could do that through professional help and a long-term commitment to change.
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Lastly, pay attention to the red flags that look like "passion." Ryle’s intensity was often mistaken for deep love, but in reality, it was a lack of emotional regulation. When he was happy, he was the best man on earth. When he was angry, he was the most dangerous.
Actionable Insights for Readers and Fans
- Identify the Cycle: If you find yourself making excuses for a partner's "accidental" outbursts, step back and look for a pattern. Physical violence in a relationship is rarely a one-time event.
- Understand Love Bombing: Be wary of relationships that move at warp speed. Ryle wanted to marry Lily almost immediately. While it feels romantic in fiction, in real life, it can be a way to establish control before the other person sees the "real" you.
- Prioritize Safety Over History: Lily had a lot of good memories with Ryle. She had a marriage and a business and a life. She walked away anyway because the future was more important than the past.
- Seek Resources: If Ryle’s behavior feels familiar in your own life, reach out to organizations like the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Life doesn't have to be a cycle of "naked truths" and "bold moves" that end in bruises.
Ryle Kincaid isn't a hero to be swooned over. He’s a cautionary tale about the complexity of the human heart and the necessity of drawing a line in the sand. He serves as a reminder that the person who hurts you the most is often the one you loved the most. Ending the cycle isn't about stopping the love; it's about starting the self-respect.