Ever feel like you’re doing everything "right" in your relationship, but you still feel like garbage? You’re nice. You buy the flowers. You do the dishes. Yet, there’s this nagging emptiness. It’s like eating a giant bag of rice cakes—you’re full, but you’re starving.
Greg Baer says that’s because you’ve never actually felt loved.
Ouch.
The first time I cracked open Real Love: The Truth About Finding Unconditional Love and Fulfilling Relationships, it felt like a personal attack. Baer, a former eye surgeon who once struggled with drug addiction and suicidal thoughts despite having a "perfect" life, argues that almost everything we call love is actually just a trade. He calls it Imitation Love. Honestly, it’s a hard pill to swallow because it means most of our marriages, friendships, and parenting styles are built on a foundation of "I'll be nice to you if you’re nice to me."
The Difference Between Real Love and the Fake Stuff
Real Love is unconditional. That’s a buzzword people throw around, but Baer defines it specifically: caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what you get in return.
Most of us aren’t doing that.
Instead, we’re trading in Imitation Love, which comes in four flavors:
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- Praise: "You’re so smart/pretty/successful." (Only works as long as you keep being smart/pretty/successful).
- Power: Controlling people so they do what you want, which makes you feel safe.
- Pleasure: Using sex, food, or entertainment to distract from the hole in your heart.
- Safety: Avoiding conflict at all costs just so nobody gets mad at you.
Here is the kicker: Imitation Love is addictive. It’s like a hit of dopamine. When someone praises you, you feel great for five minutes. Then it wears off, and you need more. You become a "praise junkie." If the praise stops, you go into withdrawal—you get angry, depressed, or needy.
Why You’re Probably Living in "Getting and Protecting" Mode
Baer explains that because we didn't get enough unconditional love as kids (not necessarily because our parents were "bad," but because they didn't have any Real Love to give), we grew up with a massive void. To survive, we developed Getting and Protecting Behaviors.
Think about your last argument. Did you do any of these?
- Lying: Hiding the truth about what you spent, what you did, or how you feel because you’re afraid of being judged.
- Attacking: Using anger or criticism to force someone to stop doing something that hurts you.
- Acting like a Victim: Whining or acting helpless so someone will feel sorry for you and give you attention.
- Clinging: Being so needy that you suffocate the other person just to feel "safe."
We do these things because we’re terrified. If people saw the "real" us—the messy, flawed, inconsistent us—we’re convinced they’d leave. So we wear a mask. But here is the tragedy: You cannot feel loved while wearing a mask. If someone loves the mask, it doesn't count. You know they don't really know you.
Anger Is Always Your Fault (Yeah, Really)
This is the part of Greg Baer's philosophy that makes people want to throw the book across the room. Baer asserts that anger is always a choice and it’s always "wrong" in the sense that it’s a tool used to manipulate others.
He uses a brilliant analogy: If you have $10 million in the bank and someone steals $10 from you, are you going to chase them down the street screaming? Probably not. You’re "rich." You don't care.
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But if you only have $10 to your name and someone steals it? You’ll fight to the death.
When we have Real Love in our "emotional bank account," we don't get angry when someone is rude or late. We have plenty of love to spare. When we are "emotionally poor," every slight feels like a life-threatening robbery. Anger is just a scream for the love we’re missing.
How to Actually Find the Real Thing
You can't just "try harder" to be loving. You can't give what you don't have. If your bucket is empty, you can't pour water for anyone else.
The path out, according to Baer, involves a few counter-intuitive steps:
1. Find Your "Wise Men and Women"
You need to find people who are capable of loving you unconditionally. This isn't usually your spouse or your parents (because they’re usually too busy wanting things from you). It’s someone who doesn't need anything from you. When you tell them your darkest, most embarrassing secrets and they just look at you and say, "I still care about your happiness," the void starts to fill.
2. Tell the Truth
You have to drop the mask. You start telling the truth about your "Getting and Protecting" behaviors. "Hey, I just realized I'm acting like a victim right now to get you to stop being mad at me." It sounds weird. It feels vulnerable. But it's the only way to feel seen.
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3. Stop Expecting, Start Requesting
In Baer's world, there's a huge difference between an expectation and a request.
- An expectation is a demand. If they don't do it, you get angry.
- A request is a preference. If they say "no," you’re fine with it because they have the "Law of Choice."
Is This Even Realistic?
Critics often argue that Baer’s approach is a bit "cult-y" or that he oversimplifies complex psychological trauma. Trademarking the term "Real Love" definitely raised some eyebrows in the therapy community. Also, telling a victim of abuse that their "anger is wrong" can be incredibly damaging if not handled with extreme nuance.
However, for the average person stuck in a cycle of "I do for you, you do for me" resentment, these principles are a wrecking ball to the ego. It shifts the focus from "How can I change my partner?" to "How can I become a person who is capable of being happy regardless of what my partner does?"
Actionable Next Steps
If you’re tired of the "Imitation Love" treadmill, you don't have to overhaul your life today. Start small.
- Identify your drug of choice: This week, notice when you’re hunting for praise or using power to get your way. Just notice it. Don't judge it.
- The 24-hour "No Anger" challenge: Try to go one day without expressing anger. When you feel it rising, ask yourself: "What am I afraid of losing right now?" or "Where do I feel unloved?"
- Practice "Telling the Truth": Find one person you trust and tell them one thing you usually hide because you’re afraid of looking "weak" or "bad."
- Read the source: Pick up Real Love or check out Baer’s site. He has a lot of "Real Love groups" where people practice these principles together.
Real love isn't a feeling that hits you like a lightning bolt. It's a condition of being. It's the quiet peace of knowing that even if you mess up, you aren't going to be cast out into the cold. It’s hard work, but according to Greg Baer, it’s the only thing that actually works.