Talking to someone who’s drinking too much is terrifying. Your heart races, your palms get sweaty, and you’re basically rehearsing a script in your head that you know is going to fall apart the second they get defensive. You want to help, but honestly, most people say the wrong thing. They lead with accusations. They use the "A-word" like a weapon. They demand answers to "why" when the person drinking doesn't even know the answer themselves.
When you’re looking for questions to ask an alcoholic, you aren't just looking for a checklist. You’re looking for a way in. You’re looking for a crack in the wall they’ve built around their addiction.
It's heavy.
The reality is that alcohol use disorder (AUD) is a medical condition, not a moral failing. Dr. George Koob, the Director of the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA), often discusses the "cycle of addiction" involving bingeing, withdrawal, and preoccupation. If you approach the conversation like a prosecutor, they’ll respond like a defendant. If you approach it like a partner or a concerned friend, you might actually get somewhere.
The Problem With "Why Do You Drink So Much?"
Stop. Don't ask that. It’s a trap.
Asking "why" forces a person into a defensive crouch. They’ll tell you it’s work stress, or the kids, or the economy, or because you’re "nagging" them. These are justifications, not causes. Instead of asking why they drink, ask about the effect it’s having.
Try asking: "Have you noticed that you seem different lately when you've been drinking?"
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This is softer. It’s an observation, not a judgment. It invites them to look at their own behavior rather than defending their reasons. You're basically asking them to be a co-observer of their own life.
Another good one? "What does drinking do for you right now that nothing else can?" This is a deep, psychological question. It acknowledges that the alcohol is serving a purpose—maybe it kills anxiety, maybe it numbs physical pain, maybe it’s the only way they feel they can "shut off" their brain. Understanding the function of the alcohol is way more useful than arguing about the volume of the alcohol.
Specific Questions to Ask an Alcoholic About Their Health
Sometimes, the "feelings" talk doesn't work. Some people are more responsive to logic or physical symptoms. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), there are specific criteria for AUD. You don’t need to read them a medical textbook, but you can weave the criteria into your conversation.
- "Are you finding that you need to drink a lot more than you used to just to feel a buzz?" This addresses tolerance. It’s a physiological fact, not an opinion.
- "Do you ever feel shaky or restless in the mornings before your first drink?" This is a gentle way to ask about withdrawal symptoms without using scary medical jargon.
- "Have you tried to cut back lately and found that it was harder than you thought it would be?" Most people struggling with booze have already tried to quit. Multiple times. In secret. By asking this, you’re acknowledging their struggle. You’re saying, "I bet this is hard," instead of "Why don't you just stop?"
Navigating the "Intervention" Style Questions
We’ve all seen the TV shows. Everyone sits in a circle and cries. It’s dramatic. In real life? It’s usually a mess.
If you’re doing a one-on-one talk, you need to ask questions that focus on the relationship. Addiction thrives on isolation. It wants the person to feel like they are alone and that no one understands. You want to bridge that gap.
"I miss the version of us that did [X] together—do you miss that too?" This isn't about the booze; it’s about the loss of connection. It’s a powerful question because it’s hard to get angry at someone for missing you. It shifts the focus from "you are doing something bad" to "I value you and our time together."
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Another angle: "What would happen if you didn't have a drink tonight? What are you afraid would happen?"
Fear is the driver. Fear of the hangover, fear of the thoughts that come when it’s quiet, fear of the physical sickness. Identifying the fear is the first step toward finding a solution that isn't found in a bottle.
Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Talk to Them
Wait. Before you go in there, you have to check your own head. If you’re angry, don’t do it. If you’ve been drinking, definitely don’t do it.
Ask yourself: "Am I trying to control them, or am I trying to support them?" There is a massive difference. Control is about your comfort; support is about their recovery. If you’re just tired of the embarrassment, your questions will come out sounding sharp and mean. If you genuinely want them to be healthy, your tone will reflect that.
Also, consider: "What is my 'line in the sand' if this conversation goes nowhere?" You can't force someone into rehab. You can't make them want to be sober. You have to know what you’re going to do to protect your own peace if they refuse to change. Al-Anon and groups like SMART Recovery for Friends & Family emphasize that you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
When the Conversation Gets Ugly
It probably will. They might yell. They might bring up your mistakes from 2012.
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When the deflection starts, you need a reset question.
"Can we stay on the topic of your health for just five minutes?" Or: "I’m not trying to fight; I’m just scared for you. Can you hear that I’m scared?"
If they can’t admit they have a problem, you can’t make them. Denial is a hallmark of the disease. In those cases, the questions to ask an alcoholic become less about getting an admission of guilt and more about planting a seed. You’re just letting them know that you see what’s happening. You’re shining a light on the elephant in the room so they can’t pretend it’s not there anymore.
Concrete Steps for Moving Forward
If the conversation actually goes well—and sometimes they do—you need to be ready for the "What now?" phase. Don't just leave it at "Okay, I'll try to drink less." That rarely works.
Ask: "Would you be willing to see a doctor just for a checkup?" This is a low-bar request. It’s not "Go to rehab for 90 days." It’s "Let’s see a professional." A primary care physician can screen for liver issues, discuss medications like Naltrexone or Acamprosate (which can help reduce cravings), and provide a safe medical detox referral if needed.
Next: "How can I help you change your environment?" Maybe that means no booze in the house. Maybe it means not going to that one Friday night dinner with the "drinking friends." It’s a collaborative question. It makes you a teammate.
Actionable Takeaways for the Next 24 Hours
If you are planning to talk to someone about their drinking, follow these steps to keep the conversation productive:
- Pick a "Dry" Time: Never have this talk when they are currently drinking or actively hungover. Aim for a morning or a time when they are most clear-headed.
- Use "I" Statements: Instead of "You make me sad when you drink," try "I feel anxious when I see you drinking that much because I worry about your heart."
- Have Resources Ready: Don't just ask the questions; have the answers. Keep the number for the SAMHSA National Helpline (1-800-662-HELP) or a local AA meeting schedule on your phone.
- Listen More Than You Talk: If you ask a question, let the silence sit. Don't fill it. Let them struggle with the answer. That struggle is where the realization happens.
- Set a Boundary: If the conversation turns into an argument, end it. Say, "I love you too much to fight about this. We can talk again when we're both calm."
The goal of asking questions to ask an alcoholic isn't to get a confession. It’s to open a door that has been slammed shut by addiction. You might have to knock a few times before they let you in. Just remember that you're talking to the person you love, not the substance they're using. Keep the person in sight, even when the addiction is trying to hide them.