Sometimes life just hits you sideways. You're standing there, looking at a friend or family member whose world is currently a pile of ash, and you feel totally useless. You want to offer a prayer for someone going through a hard time, but your brain freezes. What do you even say to a God who let this happen in the first place? Or, if you’re the one in the trenches, how do you pray when your heart feels like lead?
It's heavy. Honestly, most people get prayer all wrong when things get dark. They think it has to be this polished, Shakespearean monologue filled with "thees" and "thous." It doesn't.
Real prayer in the middle of a crisis is usually messy. It’s loud. It’s quiet. It’s often just a groan.
The psychology of "Lament" and why it matters
We have this weird cultural obsession with being "fine." We post the highlights. We hide the hospital stays and the divorce papers. But if you look at ancient traditions—take the Hebrew Psalms, for example—nearly a third of them are "laments."
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Lament isn't just whining. It's a specific biological and spiritual release. Dr. Dan Allender, a well-known psychologist and author of The Cry of the Soul, argues that suppressing these raw emotions actually damages our psyche. When you offer a prayer for someone going through a hard time, you aren't trying to "fix" their mood with toxic positivity. You are making space for the grief.
A "good" prayer in a crisis doesn't ignore the pain. It names it.
Think about the shortest verse in the Bible: "Jesus wept." He knew he was about to fix the situation, but he still stopped to cry first. That’s the energy we need. If you’re praying for a friend losing their business or dealing with a chronic illness, don’t jump straight to "make them happy." Start with "this sucks."
Moving past the "Thoughts and Prayers" cliche
We’ve all seen it. Someone posts a tragedy on social media, and the comments section fills up with "thoughts and prayers." It feels empty, doesn't it? That’s because it often is.
To make a prayer for someone going through a hard time actually meaningful, it needs to be specific. Generalities are for strangers; specifics are for friends.
Instead of saying "God, help them," try focusing on the immediate physical or emotional need. Are they losing sleep? Pray for their nervous system to settle. Are they facing a legal battle? Pray for clarity of mind for their attorney. Specificity shows you are actually carrying the burden with them.
Why silence is a valid prayer
Sometimes, the best prayer isn't words at all. In the Book of Job, when Job loses everything, his friends show up and sit in silence with him for seven days. They only messed up when they started talking.
There’s a concept called "Centering Prayer" or "Contemplative Prayer" that’s been around for centuries, practiced by people like Thomas Merton. It’s basically just sitting in the presence of the Divine on behalf of someone else. You don't need a script. You just hold that person’s face in your mind and breathe.
It sounds woo-woo, but neurologically, it shifts your brain out of the "fight or flight" mode. When you do this for someone else, you are practicing empathy at its deepest level.
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What to say when you don't know what to say
If you’re staring at a blank wall trying to find the right sentences, stop. Use what’s already there.
The Breath Prayer: This is an ancient practice. Pick a short phrase. Inhale: "Peace." Exhale: "For Sarah." It’s a way to keep your heart tethered to them throughout your day without needing to give a 20-minute speech.
The "Help" Prayer: Anne Lamott, in her book Help, Thanks, Wow, says "Help" is one of the three essential prayers. It’s okay for that to be the whole thing. "God, help them. Just help."
Scripture as a Scaffold: When your own words feel thin, borrow someone else’s. Many people find comfort in the 23rd Psalm or the 34th Psalm ("The Lord is close to the brokenhearted"). You aren't being unoriginal; you're using a map someone else drew in the dark.
The "intercession" mystery
Intercession is a fancy word for praying for someone else. Does it work? That’s a massive theological rabbit hole. Some people think of it like a vending machine—put in prayer, get out a miracle.
But life doesn't usually work like that.
C.S. Lewis famously said, "I pray because I can’t help myself... It doesn't change God. It changes me."
When you engage in prayer for someone going through a hard time, you are changing your own posture toward that person. You become more observant of their needs. You become more likely to show up with a casserole or a checkbook. You are aligning your will with their well-being. That, in itself, is a miracle.
Common mistakes that actually make things worse
We’ve all been on the receiving end of a "bad" prayer. You know the ones.
- The Preachy Prayer: "Lord, help them realize that everything happens for a reason." (Don't do this. Seriously.)
- The Mini-Sermon: Using prayer to give advice you’re too scared to say to their face.
- The "Check-the-Box" Prayer: Doing it just so you can tell them you did it.
If your prayer contains the phrase "at least," stop. "At least you have your health" or "at least it wasn't worse" is the opposite of comfort. A real prayer for someone in pain acknowledges that, right now, everything feels like it’s falling apart—and that’s okay.
Dealing with the "Unanswered" stuff
Here is the hard truth: sometimes you pray, and the person still dies. The job is still lost. The marriage still ends.
If we pretend prayer is a magic wand, we set people up for a crisis of faith on top of their existing crisis. We have to be honest about the silence of God.
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Rabbi Harold Kushner wrote When Bad Things Happen to Good People after losing his son. He argues that God’s power might not be in preventing the tragedy, but in giving us the strength to survive it. When you pray for someone, maybe you aren't asking for the storm to stop. Maybe you're asking for their boat to stay upright.
Practical steps for when you're overwhelmed
If you want to support someone through prayer right now, don't overthink it. Move.
First, ask them. Send a text: "I'm praying for you today. Is there one specific thing on your mind I can focus on?" This gives them agency. It lets them tell you what hurts most.
Second, set a trigger. Every time you see a certain color or walk through a specific door, say a ten-second prayer for them. It turns your day into a continuous act of support.
Third, write it down. Sometimes seeing a prayer in a text message or a card is more powerful than knowing it happened in private. It’s a tangible reminder that they aren't alone in the dark.
Taking Action Today
Prayer is a start, but it’s rarely the finish line. If you’re looking for a way to actually make a difference for someone in the thick of it, try these steps:
Write a "Lament" for them. Literally sit down and write out the frustrations they’ve shared with you. End it with a request for peace. Send it to them if you think it would help, or keep it as your own guide.
The 60-Second Rule. Next time you talk to them, don't ask "how can I pray for you?" Most people are too tired to answer. Instead, say, "I’m going to pray for [Specific Thing] for you this week." It shows you’ve been paying attention.
Don't ignore the physical. The most spiritual thing you can do for someone in a "hard time" might be buying them a bag of groceries or paying for a cleaning service. In the Bible, when Elijah was depressed and wanted to give up, God didn't give him a lecture. He gave him a nap and a snack. Be the person who provides the snack.
Keep showing up. The "hard time" usually lasts way longer than the initial surge of support. Most people stop praying and checking in after two weeks. Be the person who is still praying six months later. That is where the real healing happens.
Prayer isn't about finding the perfect words to move the stars. It's about finding the courage to sit in the dark with someone until the sun comes back up. Keep it simple. Keep it honest. And above all, keep it loud enough that they know they aren't screaming into the void alone.