Let's be real for a second. When it comes to women going down on women, the mainstream media usually gets it backwards. They frame it as some high-octane, acrobatic performance or, worse, a brief warm-up for "the main event." Honestly? That’s just not how it works in the real world. For most women who love women, cunnilingus isn't just a side dish. It is the centerpiece. It’s where the actual intimacy happens.
If you've ever felt like you're "doing it wrong" because it doesn't look like a scene from a movie, you're not alone. Most of us grew up with zero education on this. Sex ed usually stops at "don't get pregnant," which is about as helpful as a screen door on a submarine when you're trying to figure out how to actually pleasure a partner. We need to talk about the mechanics, the psychology, and the weird, unscripted moments that actually make this experience great.
The Myth of the Magic Button
There’s this weird idea that the clitoris is like a doorbell. You ring it, and—boom—instant results.
That's a lie.
The clitoris is actually a massive internal structure. According to research popularized by urologist Dr. Helen O'Connell in the late 90s, the part we see is just the tip of the iceberg. The "legs" (crura) and bulbs extend deep into the pelvic floor. When we talk about women going down on women, we’re talking about a full-body sensory experience, not just poking at one specific spot until something happens.
Pressure matters way more than speed. I’ve seen so many people think they need to move their tongue like a hummingbird on espresso. Relax. Take a breath. Most women report that consistent, rhythmic pressure is far more effective than erratic, fast movements. If you start too fast, you might actually cause overstimulation, which feels less like "pleasure" and more like "please stop touching me, it's too much."
Communication Isn't a Mood Killer
People worry that talking during sex ruins the "vibe."
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It doesn't.
What ruins the vibe is guessing for twenty minutes and getting a leg cramp while your partner is politely waiting for you to find the right angle. Use your words. Or better yet, use their hands. Guide them. A simple "more of that" or "a little higher" is worth more than a thousand "expert" tips you read in a magazine.
Dr. Emily Nagoski, author of Come as You Are, talks a lot about "non-concordance." This is the idea that your body can respond physically (arousal) even if you aren't feeling it mentally, or vice versa. In the context of oral sex, this means checking in is vital. Just because someone is physically responding doesn't always mean they're in the headspace they want to be in.
Texture, Scent, and the "Mental Game"
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room: insecurity.
A lot of women are terrified about how they smell or taste. This is largely thanks to a multi-billion dollar "feminine hygiene" industry that has spent decades convincing women they should smell like a mountain spring or a vanilla cupcake.
Fact: A healthy vulva smells like a vulva.
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When you’re the one providing the pleasure, your enthusiasm is the biggest turn-on. If you act like you’re doing a chore, they’ll feel it. If you act like you’re enjoying a feast, they’ll feel that too. The "mental game" of women going down on women is about 70% of the battle. If she feels safe, accepted, and adored, the physical sensations are heightened exponentially.
Technical Nuance: Beyond the Tongue
Sure, the tongue is the star, but don't forget the supporting cast.
- The Chin: Use it for steady pressure on the pubic bone.
- The Breath: Sometimes just warm air can be more intense than direct contact.
- Suction: This is often the "secret sauce." Creating a gentle vacuum can engage those internal clitoral structures we talked about earlier.
- Hands: Don't just leave them hanging out by your sides. Use them to provide resistance, to open things up, or to touch other parts of the body.
The "flat tongue" technique is generally a safe bet for a starting point. Think of it like a broad stroke rather than a pinpoint. You want to cover surface area. As things heat up, you can get more specific, but jumping straight to the "pointy tongue" can be a bit jarring.
When Things Get "Long"
One thing nobody tells you is that oral sex can take a while. And that’s okay.
The "orgasm gap" is a real sociological phenomenon. Research, including studies published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, shows that women in same-sex relationships have significantly more orgasms than women in heterosexual relationships. Why? Because the focus shifts away from "penetration as the end goal" and toward various forms of stimulation, including oral sex.
But stamina is a thing. If your jaw hurts, switch it up. Use your fingers for a bit. Use a toy. There is no rulebook that says you have to stay in one position until the job is done. In fact, changing the sensation can often help someone get over the "plateau" if they feel like they’re stuck.
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The Role of Dental Dams and Safety
We have to be responsible here. While the risk of STI transmission during oral sex between women is lower than some other activities, it isn't zero. Herpes, HPV, and even certain types of throat infections are real possibilities.
Using a dental dam or a piece of non-lubricated plastic wrap isn't "unsexy." It's being an adult. If you're with a new partner, have the conversation. It's way more awkward to deal with a medical issue later than it is to talk about a piece of latex now.
Actionable Steps for Better Connection
If you want to improve this part of your sex life, stop looking for "hacks" and start looking at your partner.
- The "Yes/No/Maybe" List: Sit down—outside of the bedroom—and talk about what you actually like. Be specific. "I like circles, I hate flicking."
- Focus on the Build-Up: Spend ten minutes just on the inner thighs and stomach before you even get close to the vulva. Building anticipation increases blood flow to the area, making the actual oral sex much more sensitive.
- Change the Scenery: Who says it has to happen in bed? Sometimes a different height or angle—like on the edge of a chair or the sofa—makes it easier for the person giving to stay comfortable longer.
- Vary the Rhythm: Don't just find a beat and stay there forever. Move from slow and deep to shallow and quick. It keeps the nervous system guessing.
- Post-Sex Check-in: Ask "What was the best part of that?" instead of "Was that okay?" It invites positive reinforcement rather than just a "yes/no" answer.
At the end of the day, women going down on women is about exploration. There isn't a finish line you're racing toward. It's a specific kind of language, a way of saying "I see you and I want you to feel good" without saying a word. Stop overthinking the "technique" and start paying attention to the feedback your partner is giving you. Their body is the only manual you actually need.
Next Steps for Mastery:
Start by incorporating more "non-goal-oriented" touch into your routine. Spend time exploring your partner's anatomy with your hands and eyes before introducing oral contact. This builds comfort and reduces the pressure to "perform." From there, practice the "flat tongue" method with varying levels of pressure, always prioritizing your partner's verbal and non-verbal cues over any preconceived notions of what "should" work.