It is a tough subject. People don't like to talk about it because it feels like a betrayal of the community. But No More Secrets: Violence in Lesbian Relationships by Janice L. Ristock isn't just a book; it’s a massive wake-up call that landed in 2002 and honestly, it still stings today.
Ristock is a professor at the University of Manitoba. She didn't just guess what was happening; she sat down and interviewed over a hundred lesbians who lived through abuse. She also talked to seventy-five caseworkers. What she found was a "secret" that was tearing people apart while the rest of the world—and even the feminist movement—mostly looked the other way.
Why We Keep Quiet
Why is this so hard to bring up?
Basically, there’s a massive fear of homophobic backlash. If we admit that lesbian relationships can be violent, won't that just give bigots more ammunition? Ristock points out that many people have spent their lives trying to prove that queer relationships are "better" or more "evolved" than heterosexual ones. Admitting to abuse feels like failing that test.
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Then there’s the "gendered" trap. For a long time, the standard feminist line was that domestic violence is something men do to women because of patriarchy. It’s a tool of male dominance. So, when two women are involved, the logic breaks. If there’s no man, how can there be "domestic violence" in the traditional sense?
Ristock argues that this rigid way of thinking actually hurts victims. It makes their pain invisible.
The Myths That Kill
There are a few big lies that keep this cycle going.
- Myth 1: Women aren't naturally violent. (Biologically, we're told violence is a "male" thing).
- Myth 2: If two women fight, it’s just a "catfight" and nobody really gets hurt.
- Myth 3: Lesbian relationships are inherently egalitarian.
These aren't just wrong; they're dangerous. Janice L. Ristock found that abuse in these relationships looks a lot like abuse anywhere else—hitting, shoving, psychological warfare—but it also has some unique, nasty twists.
Imagine a partner threatening to "out" you to your homophobic boss if you leave. That’s a specific kind of leverage you don't usually see in straight relationships. Or a partner saying, "No one will believe you because I'm the 'feminine' one and you're the 'butch' one."
No More Secrets: Violence in Lesbian Relationships and the Power Problem
Ristock’s book is famous among academics because she uses "postmodern" and "poststructuralist" ideas, but don't let the jargon scare you. It just means she thinks we can't use a "one size fits all" model for abuse.
She hates the idea of "mutual abuse."
Usually, when police or social workers see two women fighting, they just throw their hands up and say, "Well, they're both doing it." Ristock says that’s lazy. There is almost always a power imbalance, even if it doesn't look like the traditional "man vs. woman" dynamic. It might be about who has the money, who is "out" and who isn't, or who has more status in the local queer scene.
In No More Secrets: Violence in Lesbian Relationships, she pushes for a context-sensitive analysis. You have to look at the specific lives of the people involved.
What Help Actually Looks Like
The scary part? A lot of shelters and services aren't ready for this.
If a woman shows up at a domestic violence shelter and says her wife hit her, she might be met with confusion or even hostility. Some shelters have even turned women away because they didn't know how to handle "lesbian issues."
Ristock’s research shows that victim-survivors often try to get help in "subtle, iterative" ways. They might mention a "problem at home" to a therapist without using the word "abuse." If the professional doesn't pick up on those cues, the victim often retreats back into silence.
Actionable Steps for the Community
If you or someone you know is in this situation, the "secrets" need to end, but they need to end safely. Here is how we actually move the needle:
Check Your Own Biases Stop assuming that violence is a "male" trait. If a friend tells you her female partner is controlling her or hurting her, believe her. Don't minimize it as a "dispute" or a "rough patch."
Demand Inclusive Services If you support or volunteer for local shelters, ask them: "Do you have specific training for LGBTQ+ domestic violence?" If the answer is no, point them toward Ristock’s work or the NWN (National Network to End Domestic Violence).
Understand "Outing" as Abuse Recognize that threatening to reveal someone's sexual orientation or gender identity is a form of domestic violence. It is a tactic used to isolate and control.
Support the Research The truth is, even in 2026, we still don't have enough data. One in four gay and lesbian couples are affected by domestic violence. That is a massive number. We need to keep talking about Janice L. Ristock and the researchers who followed her to make sure this stays on the public agenda.
Janice Ristock didn't write this book to "shame" lesbians. She wrote it because you can't heal a wound if you're pretending it isn't there. Breaking the silence is the only way to actually protect the community we claim to love.
Start by acknowledging the reality. There are no more secrets. There is only the work that needs to be done.