It starts with something small. Maybe you’re sure he said he’d pick up the dry cleaning, but when you ask about it, he looks at you with a mix of pity and frustration. "I never said that," he tells you. He might even add a little jab about how stressed you’ve been lately. You shrug it off. But then it happens again. And again. Eventually, you’re not just questioning the dry cleaning; you’re questioning your memory, your sanity, and your entire reality. If you’ve been thinking my husband gaslights me, you aren't just "being sensitive." You’re likely experiencing a specific, calculated form of emotional abuse that experts have been studying for decades.
Gaslighting is a term that gets thrown around a lot on TikTok and Instagram these days. Honestly, it’s become a bit of a buzzword for "anytime someone disagrees with me." But real gaslighting? It’s much more sinister than a simple argument.
Dr. Robin Stern, the co-founder of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and author of The Gaslight Effect, describes it as a "gaslight tango." It requires two people: a gaslighter who needs to be right to maintain their sense of self, and a gaslightee who is willing to define their reality based on the other person's version of the truth. It’s a slow-motion car crash of the psyche. You don't realize you’re in it until you’re already spinning.
The subtle mechanics of "My husband gaslights me"
Most people think gaslighting is a loud, aggressive act. It can be. But more often, it’s quiet. It’s "death by a thousand cuts."
In a healthy relationship, when you say, "Hey, that thing you did hurt my feelings," your partner might get defensive, but they eventually acknowledge your perspective. In a gaslighting dynamic, the script is flipped. When you bring up a concern, you become the problem. He might say you’re "remembering it wrong" or that you’re "too emotional." He’s basically rewriting history in real-time.
Consider the "Countering" technique. This is where the husband challenges the wife's memory of events. Even if she has proof—like a text message or a calendar invite—he might claim she fabricated it or misunderstood the context. It’s exhausting. You spend hours scrolling through old messages just to prove to yourself that you aren't crazy.
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Then there’s "Withholding." This isn't just the silent treatment. It’s a refusal to engage in the conversation at all. If you say, "I feel like my husband gaslights me," and he responds with "I’m not listening to this nonsense again," he is effectively shutting down your ability to communicate your reality. He’s making your thoughts invisible.
Why do they do it?
It’s rarely about a mustache-twirling villainy. Usually, it’s about power. A husband who gaslights often feels a deep, internal need for control. If he can keep you off-balance, he’s the one holding the map. He’s the one who decides what is true. This often stems from his own insecurities or perhaps a personality disorder, like Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), though not always.
Sometimes, it’s a learned behavior. If he grew up in a home where reality was fluid and emotions were weaponized, he might not even realize he’s doing it. That doesn't make it okay. It just makes the "why" a bit more complex than simple malice.
The three stages of the gaslight effect
You don't wake up one day and suddenly lose your sense of self. It’s a progression. Dr. Stern outlines three distinct stages that most women experience when they feel my husband gaslights me.
- Disbelief. This is the "You’ve got to be kidding me" phase. He says something totally off-base, and you think he’s just mistaken. You try to correct him. You might even laugh it off. You still trust your own eyes.
- Defense. This is the longest and most painful stage. You’re arguing. You’re trying to prove him wrong. You’re bringing "evidence" to the dinner table. You spend your therapy sessions talking about him instead of you. You are desperately trying to get him to see the truth, but he won't budge. This stage is where the obsession starts.
- Depression. This is the breaking point. You stop fighting because you’re tired. You start to believe that maybe he’s right. Maybe you are too sensitive. Maybe your memory is failing. You become a shadow of yourself, walking on eggshells to avoid the next "correction" of your reality.
Recognizing the "Telling" signs in your daily life
How do you know if it’s actually gaslighting or just a bad marriage? There’s a litmus test.
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Look at how you feel after a conversation. Do you feel heard, even if you disagreed? Or do you feel dizzy?
If you find yourself constantly apologizing for things you didn't do, that’s a red flag. If you’re lying to your friends and family about what’s happening at home because you don't want to explain his behavior—or because you’re embarrassed—that’s a red flag.
Specific phrases to watch out for:
- "You’re imagining things."
- "I only did that because you made me."
- "Everyone else thinks you’re acting crazy lately."
- "You’re just looking for a reason to be mad."
- "You have a very vivid imagination."
The "everyone else" line is a classic isolation tactic. By making you think your friends or family agree with him, he severs your connection to outside reality. It’s a way of building a wall around the relationship so he is your only source of truth.
The impact on your brain and body
Living in a state where you’re constantly told your perception is wrong is physically damaging. Your brain’s amygdala—the "smoke detector"—is stuck in the 'on' position. You’re in a permanent state of fight-or-flight.
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Chronic cortisol spikes lead to real health issues. Sleep becomes impossible. Your digestion goes sideways. You might experience "brain fog," which ironically makes it even easier for him to gaslight you because you actually are struggling to focus.
Psychologically, this is known as "cognitive dissonance." You love this person, but they are hurting you. Your brain tries to resolve this by making excuses for them. "He’s just under a lot of pressure at work," you tell yourself. Or, "He had a hard childhood." These might be true, but they don't change the fact that your reality is being dismantled piece by piece.
Navigating the path out of the fog
If you’ve realized my husband gaslights me, the first step isn't necessarily to leave. It’s to stop arguing.
You cannot "win" an argument with a gaslighter. They aren't playing by the rules of logic. They are playing by the rules of dominance. When you try to prove your point, you’re just giving them more material to twist.
Start a "Reality Journal." Write down things as they happen. "At 6:15 PM, he said X." When he later claims he said Y, don't show him the journal. He’ll just call the journal "proof" of your obsession. The journal is for you. It’s your anchor to the world as it actually exists.
Reconnect with your "sane" people. Call the friend who knew you before you got married. Talk to a therapist who specializes in emotional abuse and narcissism. You need external mirrors that reflect back the real you, not the distorted version your husband is creating.
Practical Steps for Reclaiming Your Reality
- Set a "Disengagement Policy." The moment the conversation turns to him questioning your memory or sanity, leave the room. Say, "I’m not going to discuss my memory of this event. We can talk about how to move forward, or we can stop talking."
- Stop Explaining. You don't need him to agree with your version of the truth for it to be true. This is the hardest part. You have to be okay with him thinking you’re "wrong" while you know you’re right.
- Identify the Triggers. Gaslighting usually happens around specific topics—money, his whereabouts, or his mistakes. Recognize the pattern so you can see the gaslighting coming before it hits.
- Build a Safety Plan. If the gaslighting is part of a larger pattern of domestic violence, contact organizations like the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Gaslighting is often the precursor to, or a component of, physical abuse.
- Prioritize Self-Regulation. Since your nervous system is shot, focus on grounding exercises. Meditation, long walks, or even just deep breathing can help lower your cortisol levels enough so you can think clearly.
Recovery from this kind of emotional manipulation takes time. It’s not like a physical wound that scabs over. It’s more like rebuilding a house after a flood. The foundation is still there, but everything needs to be dried out, cleaned, and replaced. You have to learn to trust your own gut again. That "feeling" you get when something is off? That’s your best friend. It’s the part of you that he couldn't reach. Listen to it. It’s been right all along.