That buzz on your nightstand at 11:30 PM is usually nothing good. You reach for it, squinting against the blue light, and there it is—a name you thought you’d buried under a mountain of "new year, new me" posts and deleted photo albums. My ex texted me. It’s a four-word sentence that carries the weight of a thousand memories, most of them messy. Your heart does that weird little skip-thump thing. Maybe you feel sick. Maybe you feel powerful.
Mostly, you’re just confused.
Why now? Is it the "Mercury Retrograde" excuse everyone jokes about on TikTok, or is it something more primal? Usually, it's just boredom or a sudden spike in loneliness. Psychologists like Dr. Paulette Sherman, author of Dating from the Inside Out, often point out that people reach back when their current reality feels uncertain. They want a hit of familiarity. They want to know the door isn't locked from the outside, even if they were the ones who walked out of it.
The Anatomy of the Breadcrumb
Most people call these "breadcrumbs."
It’s not a full meal. It’s not a "hey, I messed up, I’ve been in therapy for six months and I want to make amends." No. It’s usually a "Hey," or a "Saw this and thought of you," or the classic, "Did you ever find that blue hoodie?" These texts are low-effort. They are designed to test the waters without risking rejection. If you don't reply, they can tell themselves they were just being friendly. If you do reply, they get a hit of dopamine.
Psychologically, this is often linked to anxious-preoccupied attachment styles. According to the framework established in the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, people with certain attachment styles struggle to let go of "attachment figures" even after the relationship has logically ended. They use these "protest behaviors" to re-establish contact and soothe their own anxiety.
- The "Hey" Text: The ultimate low-effort probe.
- The Nostalgia Trap: "Remember that place in Portland?" This is an attempt to bypass the breakup pain and jump straight to the "good times."
- The Accidental-on-Purpose: "Oops, meant to send that to my mom." (They didn't).
- The Holiday Special: Using Christmas, birthdays, or even Groundhog Day as a socially acceptable excuse to break No Contact.
Why Your Brain Goes Into Overdrive
When you see that notification, your brain isn't thinking about the 3:00 AM fights or the way they never did the dishes. It’s getting a spike of cortisol followed by a desperate reach for dopamine.
The frustration-attraction effect, a term coined by biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, suggests that when we are rejected or separated from a romantic partner, the brain’s reward system actually becomes more active. You literally crave them like a drug. So, when my ex texted me, my brain didn't see a person who was bad for me; it saw a fix.
It’s exhausting. You spend three hours drafting a response in your Notes app. You send it to the group chat. Your friends tell you to block them. You don't. Or maybe you do, but then you unblock them just to see if they've sent anything else. This cycle is what keeps people stuck in "situationship purgatory" for years.
The "No Contact" Rule vs. The "Friendly" Myth
There is a huge debate in the relationship world about whether you can actually be friends. Spoiler: usually, you can't. At least not right away.
The "No Contact" rule is a staple for a reason. It’s not about being petty or "winning" the breakup. It’s about neurological rewiring. It takes roughly 60 to 90 days for the intense chemical bond of a relationship to start fading. If they text you on day 14, they are resetting your clock.
Sometimes, the text is a "hoovering" tactic. This is a term often used in discussions about narcissistic personality traits, where the person tries to "suck" you back into their orbit once they feel you slipping away. They don't necessarily want you; they want the validation you provide. If you notice a pattern where they only reach out when you seem happy or when you've started dating someone new, that’s not love. That’s ego.
What to Do When the Phone Lights Up
First, breathe. Seriously. Put the phone in another room. The world will not end if you don't reply within thirty seconds.
You need to categorize the text. Is it Logistical, Emotional, or Boredom-based?
If it's logistical—"I need my passport back"—fine. Keep it brief. "I'll leave it in a box on the porch on Tuesday. Please don't knock." Done.
If it's emotional or "I miss you," you have to ask yourself a hard question: What has changed? If the answer is "nothing," then the text is just noise. Replying to an "I miss you" with "I miss you too" feels good for about five minutes. Then the old patterns kick back in, and you're right back where you started, crying over a lukewarm pizza at 2:00 AM.
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Real Talk: The Power of the "Seen" Receipt
Sometimes, the best response is no response.
In the digital age, silence is a very loud message. It says, "I am no longer available for this version of us." If you’ve told them not to contact you and they do it anyway, they are violating a boundary. Responding—even to tell them to stop—actually rewards the behavior. It shows them that if they poke you enough times, you’ll eventually bark.
If you feel like you must respond to keep the peace, use the Grey Rock Method. Be as boring and uninteresting as a grey rock. Short answers. No emojis. No questions back.
- "Hey, how are you?"
- "I'm fine."
End of story.
The Science of Moving On
Data from the Journal of Positive Psychology suggests it takes about eleven weeks to feel the positive effects of a breakup—meaning the point where you start to see personal growth. Every time you engage with a "breadcrumbing" ex, you risk dragging that eleven weeks out into eleven months.
Focus on "Self-Expansion." This is a psychological concept where you engage in new activities that broaden your sense of self. When you were with your ex, your identities were merged. Now, you need to find where they end and you begin. Take the cooking class. Go to the gym. Write the book. Do the things they hated doing.
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Actionable Steps for the Next 24 Hours
Stop scrolling. Put down the phone. If my ex texted me is the only thing on your mind, you need a circuit breaker.
- Draft a "Don't Send" Letter: Write everything you want to say to them in a physical notebook. Pour out the anger, the longing, the "how could you." Then, close the book. Do not send it. This provides emotional catharsis without the fallout of a text war.
- Audit Your Notifications: If seeing their name pops your heart out of your chest, change their contact name to something neutral like "Do Not Answer" or "The Void." Or better yet, delete the thread. Seeing the history of your relationship every time you open your messages is a form of self-torture.
- The 24-Hour Rule: Commit to not responding for at least 24 hours. Most "ex texts" are sent on impulse—often fueled by a glass of wine or a lonely Sunday afternoon. By tomorrow, they might even regret sending it. By waiting, you reclaim the power of the interaction.
- Check Your Why: Before you type a single letter, ask: "Am I responding because I want a future with this person, or because I’m lonely right now?" If it’s the latter, call a friend or go for a walk.
- Block if Necessary: If the texts are preventing you from healing, or if they are manipulative, blocking is not "childish." It is a necessary health intervention for your brain.
Healing isn't a straight line. It’s a messy, jagged doodle that eventually trends upward. A text from an ex is just a pothole on that road. You can choose to swerve around it, or you can drive straight into it and get a flat tire. The choice, ultimately, is yours.