You’re sitting at a coffee shop. You’re "with" a friend, but both of you are checking notifications. The barista is just a machine that hands you caffeine in exchange for a tap of your phone. Everything feels... thin. This weird, hollow feeling isn't new, even if our tech makes it worse. Back in 1923, a Jewish philosopher named Martin Buber wrote a slim, dense, and borderline poetic volume called I and Thou (Ich und Du) that predicted exactly why our modern lives feel so disconnected.
It’s a hard read. Honestly, the first time you crack it open, the language feels like trying to swim through molasses. But once you get the rhythm, it changes how you look at every single person you pass on the street.
Buber’s whole point is that "existence is encounter." He argues that we don’t even exist as "I" on our own. We only become ourselves through our relationships with others. But here’s the kicker: there are two very different ways to relate to the world, and most of us are stuck in the wrong one.
The I-It Trap: When People Become Objects
Most of our day is spent in the "I-It" mode. Buber describes this as the realm of experience and sensation. When you’re in I-It, you are a subject looking at an object.
Think about your Uber driver. You don’t need to know his hopes, his fears, or what his childhood smelled like. You just need him to get you to the airport. In that moment, he’s an "It"—a tool, a function, a means to an end. We do this with nature, too. We look at a forest and think about board feet of lumber or how good it would look on an Instagram grid.
Is I-It evil? No. Buber is clear about this: we need I-It to survive. You can’t build a bridge or run a business or perform surgery if you’re constantly lost in the soulful depths of every person and material involved. We have to categorize. We have to use. We have to analyze.
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The problem is when I-It becomes the only way we live. If you come home and treat your spouse like a "function" (Did you do the dishes? Is the kid asleep?), you’re living in a world of objects. It’s lonely. It’s sterile. And it’s exactly why so many of us feel like we're just cogs in a giant, indifferent machine.
Entering the I-Thou: The "Between"
Then there’s the I and Thou relationship. This is the good stuff.
In an I-Thou encounter, you aren't observing the other person. You aren't judging them or trying to get something from them. You are "meeting" them. The boundaries sort of blur. Buber says this happens in the "Between" (Das Zwischen). It’s that rare, electric moment when you’re talking to someone and time just disappears. You aren't thinking about what you’re going to say next. You’re just... there.
Real I-Thou moments are fleeting. You can't force them. You can't "hack" them with a 5-step productivity framework. They require what Buber calls "sacrifice"—you have to sacrifice your desire to control the interaction.
- It’s the difference between looking at a tree to identify its species (I-It) and being completely mesmerized by its presence (I-Thou).
- It’s the difference between a Tinder date that feels like a job interview and a conversation that lasts until 3:00 AM because you forgot your phone existed.
Buber famously argued that when we truly say "Thou" to another person, we are ultimately addressing the "Eternal Thou," which is his word for God. Even if you aren't religious, the sentiment holds: these deep connections are where the "meaning" of life actually hides.
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Why We Get I and Thou Wrong
A lot of people think I-Thou is just about being nice. It’s not. You can be "nice" to someone while still treating them as an "It." Think of a customer service rep with a scripted smile. That’s peak I-It.
Another misconception? That I-Thou is "better" than I-It in a moral sense. Buber didn't see them as "good vs. evil." He saw them as the two "primary words" of human existence. The tragedy of modern life isn't that we have I-It; it's that we've forgotten how to move back into I-Thou. We've become obsessed with data, metrics, and "optimizing" our social circles. We treat our own bodies as "Its"—machines to be fueled and exercised—rather than as part of our "I."
The Eternal Thou and the Problem of Modernity
Writing in the wake of World War I, Buber was watching the world get swallowed by systems. He saw how easily humans could be turned into numbers for a census or soldiers for a trench. He realized that if you stay in the I-It mindset long enough, you can justify almost anything because you’ve stripped the "other" of their soul.
He suggests that the "Eternal Thou" is the only thing that can’t be turned into an "It." You can try to analyze God, or categorize God, but then you’re just talking about a concept—an "It"—not God. For Buber, the divine is found in the quality of our relationships. If your life is nothing but I-It, your world is "a world of things." If you open yourself to I-Thou, you find a world that is actually alive.
How to Actually Apply This Without Being a Philosopher
So, how do you use I and Thou to fix your life? You can’t live in a permanent state of "Thou." You’d never get your taxes done. But you can start noticing when you’re being a bit too "It-heavy."
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Start small. Next time you're at a checkout counter, try to see the person there as a whole human being for three seconds. Don't just look at their hands as they bag your groceries. Look at them. Acknowledge that they have a whole universe inside them just like you do.
It’s about "turning." Buber uses this word a lot. You have to consciously turn toward the other. It’s a move of the will. It’s deciding that for this moment, you don't need anything from this person except the fact that they exist.
Actionable Steps to Bring Buber into Your 2026 Life
If you want to move beyond the theory and actually feel the difference Buber was talking about, try these shifts in your daily routine:
- The "No-Device" First Five: When you meet someone—a partner, a roommate, a coworker—spend the first five minutes with your phone completely out of sight. No "It" distractions. Just the "Between."
- Listen for the Unsaid: In I-It, we listen for information. In I-Thou, we listen for the person. Next time someone speaks to you, try to hear the tone and the intent more than the literal data.
- Acknowledge the Objects: Even with physical things, try to shift your perspective. Instead of seeing your house as an "asset" or a "hassle," try to see it as a space that holds your life. It sounds "woo-woo," but Buber insisted that we can have an I-Thou relationship with nature and art, too.
- Audit Your Relationships: Look at your closest circle. Are you treating your friends as "Its" (people who provide fun, status, or help) or as "Thous"? If you find you're only calling people when you need something, it’s time for a "turning."
Buber didn't write this book to give us a new religion or a self-help hack. He wrote it because he was terrified that we were losing our humanity to the "world of things." In a world dominated by AI, algorithms, and 24/7 productivity, his 100-year-old warning feels less like philosophy and more like a survival manual. Stop experiencing. Start meeting.