Relationships are messy. We try to pin them down with labels and rules, but the reality is that many people find themselves navigating love on the side without ever planning to be there. It’s a taboo topic. People whisper about it. They judge. Yet, if you look at the data or talk to any therapist behind closed doors, you’ll realize this isn't some rare anomaly. It’s a massive, quiet part of the human experience.
Most people think having love on the side is just about sex or boredom. It’s rarely that simple. Sometimes it’s about a "star-crossed" connection that happened at the wrong time. Other times, it’s a slow-burn emotional affair that starts at the office coffee machine and ends up consuming someone's entire mental space. We’re living in an era where "monogamy" is being questioned, redefined, and sometimes just plain ignored. But why?
The Psychological Reality of Love on the Side
Human beings aren't necessarily wired for one person for eighty years. That’s a hard truth to swallow. Anthropologist Helen Fisher, who has spent decades studying the brain chemistry of love, often points out that humans are capable of loving more than one person at the same time. She describes three distinct brain systems: lust, romantic attraction, and deep attachment. They don't always line up. You can feel deep attachment to a spouse of twenty years while experiencing intense, dopamine-fueled romantic attraction for someone else.
This isn't an excuse for betrayal. It’s just how the hardware works. When someone develops love on the side, they aren't usually looking to blow up their life. They’re often looking for a missing piece of themselves.
The internet has made this incredibly easy. In the past, if you wanted to maintain a secondary romance, you had to be a master of logistics. Now? It’s an encrypted message on Signal or a "work" Slack channel that stays open a little too late. The barrier to entry has vanished.
Is it Always About Sex?
Honestly, no. A lot of the time, it’s about being seen.
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In a long-term marriage, you become a co-parent, a roommate, and a bill-payer. You’re "Mom" or "Dad" or "the one who forgot to buy milk." But with love on the side, you get to be a version of yourself that isn't burdened by the domestic grind. You’re exciting. You’re mysterious. You’re the person who knows a lot about 1970s jazz or the person who gives great advice. That ego stroke is more addictive than any physical act.
Psychotherapist Esther Perel discusses this extensively in her work, specifically in The State of Affairs. She argues that affairs are often less about the "other" person and more about a longing for a lost version of oneself. It's a quest for vitality. People don't always leave because they are unhappy with their partner; they leave because they are unhappy with the person they have become in that relationship.
The Digital Catalyst
We have to talk about how technology shifted the landscape. Before smartphones, love on the side required physical proximity. Now, "micro-cheating" and emotional affairs happen in the palm of your hand.
Social media is a ghost haunt for old flames. You’re one "Happy Birthday" DM away from a rabbit hole. The algorithms actually encourage this. They suggest people you might know—ex-girlfriends, old college crushes, former coworkers. These digital breadcrumbs make it incredibly easy to maintain a secondary emotional life without ever leaving your living room.
It’s a strange paradox. We are more connected than ever, yet many people feel a profound sense of loneliness within their primary partnerships. They turn to the screen to fill the void.
The Cost Nobody Mentions
Maintaining love on the side is exhausting.
The mental load is staggering. You’re constantly managing two different narratives. You have to remember what you said to whom. You have to hide your phone. You have to monitor your own facial expressions. This leads to a state of chronic stress that can actually manifest as physical illness.
Research from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships indicates that the secrecy involved in these dynamics often leads to a "preoccupation" effect. The more you try to suppress the thoughts of the side relationship, the more they dominate your brain. It's a feedback loop of anxiety and dopamine.
- You lose the ability to be present.
- Your primary partner senses the distance, even if they can't name it.
- The "side" relationship eventually loses its luster because it, too, starts to demand the boring stuff—consistency, time, and honesty.
Redefining the Boundaries
We’re seeing a shift in how society views these complications. Not everyone is jumping straight to divorce. Some couples are choosing "monogamish" arrangements or ethical non-monogamy (ENM).
However, ENM is very different from having love on the side in secret. One is built on transparency; the other is built on deception. The pain of an affair isn't usually the sex—it’s the lie. It’s the realization that the reality you thought you lived in was actually a fiction.
If you find yourself in this position, you have to be brutally honest about what you're actually looking for. Are you in love with the person, or are you in love with the escape?
What to Do if You’re Caught in the Middle
If you’re the one holding onto love on the side, or if you're the "side" person yourself, the situation is rarely sustainable. It’s a holding pattern. You’re in a liminal space where nobody is getting 100% of you.
- Audit your unhappiness. Is the side relationship a solution to a problem in your main relationship, or is it a distraction from your own internal issues? If you don't fix the internal stuff, you'll just repeat the pattern with the next person.
- Stop the "comparing" game. It’s unfair to compare a long-term partner who sees you at your worst to a side romance that only sees you in high-definition, curated moments. The "side" person doesn't have to deal with your credit card debt or your snoring.
- Decide on a timeline. Ambiguity is the enemy of growth. Living in the "in-between" prevents you from fully committing to either path.
- Speak to a professional. Look for a therapist who uses the Gottman Method or Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). These frameworks are designed to handle the complex layers of betrayal and emotional disconnection.
Love on the side is a symptom, not just a choice. It’s a signal that something in the core foundation has shifted or cracked. Ignoring it won't make it go away, and letting it simmer in secret only increases the eventual fallout.
Whether you choose to integrate this new part of your life through open dialogue or choose to end it to save your primary bond, the path forward requires radical honesty. You cannot build a stable life on a foundation of "somewhat." You have to choose a reality and inhabit it fully. That’s the only way the anxiety stops. That’s the only way you get your headspace back.