You know that feeling. The one where your heart does a weird double-flip because a specific person walked into the room? It’s not just "crushing." It’s an all-consuming, brain-fogging, adrenaline-spiking obsession that makes you feel like you’re starring in a high-stakes romantic drama, even if you’ve barely spoken to them. Most people call it "infatuation." Psychologists call it limerence.
It’s an intense state.
Back in 1979, a psychologist named Dorothy Tennov coined the term after interviewing hundreds of people about their romantic experiences. She realized that what many describe as "true love" is actually a distinct biological and psychological event that has very little to do with long-term compatibility. If you’ve ever felt like your happiness was entirely dependent on whether a certain someone texted you back, you weren’t just being "extra." You were likely experiencing a limerent episode.
The Chemistry of a "Limerent Object"
We need to talk about the brain. When you're in the throes of limerence, your brain isn't acting normal. It’s basically a chemical factory running at 200% capacity. Dopamine floods your system every time you get a "hit" of attention from your LO (Limerent Object). This creates a feedback loop similar to substance addiction.
Honestly, it’s exhausting.
But it’s not just dopamine. There’s a drop in serotonin, which leads to the obsessive, intrusive thoughts. You find yourself replaying a five-second interaction over and over in your head. Did they look at me longer than usual? Why did they use that specific emoji? This isn't poetry; it’s a neurochemical imbalance. Researchers like Dr. Helen Fisher have used fMRI scans to show that the brains of people in this state look remarkably similar to the brains of cocaine users.
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The most frustrating part? Limerence thrives on uncertainty. If the person clearly likes you back and you start a stable relationship, the limerence often fades into "companionate love." If they clearly reject you, it eventually dies. But if they give you "mixed signals"—the dreaded intermittent reinforcement—the limerence can last for years.
Why We Mistake Limerence for Soulmate Energy
We’ve been sold a lie by rom-coms. We’re taught that if you can’t eat, can’t sleep, and can’t think about anything else, it’s "The One." In reality, those are often red flags for an anxious attachment style being triggered.
Limerence is solitary. You are essentially falling in love with a projection. Because you don't actually know the person deeply—or you're ignoring their flaws—you fill in the gaps with your own desires. You aren't in love with them; you're in love with the version of them you've manufactured in your mind. It’s a fantasy.
Real love is boring by comparison. It’s about who takes out the trash and how you handle a Tuesday night when both of you are grumpy. Limerence can't survive the mundane. This is why so many "whirlwind romances" crash and burn after six months. Once the projection thins and the real human emerges, the limerent person often feels cheated or bored. They miss the "high," not the person.
The Tell-Tale Signs You're Currently Limerent
- Intrusive Thoughts: You spend hours a day thinking about them, often imagining elaborate future scenarios or re-analyzing past ones.
- Acute Sensitivity: A small gesture of kindness from them makes you feel euphoric, while a perceived slight makes you feel suicidal or deeply depressed.
- Physical Symptoms: Heart palpitations, sweating, or "butterflies" that feel more like nausea when they are around.
- Idealization: You literally cannot see their flaws. If they’re rude to a waiter, you find a way to justify it because they’re "stressed."
- Ache in the Chest: Tennov described this as a literal physical sensation when the longing is at its peak.
The Connection to Childhood and Trauma
Why do some of us get hit by this harder than others? It isn't just bad luck.
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Often, limerence is a coping mechanism. If you grew up in an environment where affection was inconsistent, you might have learned to "fantasize" to meet your emotional needs. As an adult, limerence becomes a way to escape a reality that feels dull or painful. It’s a form of dissociation.
Dr. Joe Beam and other relationship experts often point out that limerence is most common in people who are currently "starving" emotionally. If your current life—or your current marriage—is lacking excitement or validation, your brain will go hunting for it. Enter the Limerent Object. They aren't a person; they're a life raft.
But life rafts aren't meant to be lived on forever.
How to Break the Spell (Without Losing Your Mind)
If you’re reading this and realizing you’re in deep, don't panic. You aren't crazy. You're just human and your brain is doing a thing. But you do need to snap out of it if you want to find actual, stable happiness.
The "No Contact" rule is the gold standard for a reason. You have to starve the dopamine loop. Every time you check their Instagram or "accidentally" walk past their desk, you are taking another hit of the drug. You wouldn't tell a smoker to just "have one puff a day" to quit. You have to go cold turkey.
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- De-mystify the person. Start a list of their flaws. Be brutal. Do they chew with their mouth open? Are they actually kind of a jerk to their siblings? Write it down. Read it when you feel the "ache" coming on.
- Identify the "Why." What is this obsession giving you? Are you bored? Are you lonely? Are you avoiding a big decision in your own life? Fix the root cause, and the LO loses their power.
- Burn the bridge (metaphorically). Delete the saved chats. Stop the "what if" conversations in your head by literally saying "Stop" out loud when they start. It sounds silly, but it works.
- Channel the energy. Limerence provides a massive amount of manic energy. Use it. Go to the gym, start that side project, or finally learn how to cook something other than pasta.
Moving Toward Secure Attachment
The goal isn't to never feel excited about someone again. It’s to move toward a "secure" way of relating. Real intimacy is built on transparency and mutual effort, not mystery and longing.
If you find yourself repeatedly falling into limerent traps, it might be time to look at your attachment style. People with anxious-preoccupied attachment are particularly susceptible. Working with a therapist to understand why you crave "the chase" can break the cycle for good.
Limerence is a powerful drug, but it's a counterfeit version of the real thing. Once you see it for what it is—a collection of chemicals and projections—it starts to lose its grip. You deserve a love that doesn't make you feel like you're losing your mind.
Next Steps for Recovery:
Start by auditing your digital habits today. Block or mute the individual on all social media platforms to prevent "passive stalking," which resets your recovery clock. Redirect that obsessive energy into a "dopamine-neutral" hobby, such as long-form reading or physical exercise, to help your brain’s neurochemistry stabilize. Finally, write a "Reality Contract" that lists exactly why a relationship with this person is either impossible or unhealthy, and keep it in your phone’s notes for whenever the urge to reach out hits.