Love is messy. We’ve all been there—wondering why some relationships feel like a steady, calm breeze while others feel like a high-speed car chase that’s eventually going to hit a wall. In the 1970s, a Canadian psychologist named John Alan Lee decided to stop guessing. He looked at thousands of years of literature and philosophy, then talked to hundreds of real people to figure out how we actually love. He didn't just find one "true" love. He found six distinct styles. He called his theory the color wheel of love, and honestly, it explains a lot about why your last breakup was such a disaster or why your current partner drives you crazy in the best way.
Basically, Lee’s idea is that love works like colors on a palette. You have primary colors, and then you have the secondary ones that happen when you mix them together. If you’re a "red" person trying to date a "blue" person, you’re gonna have a bad time.
The Primary Styles: The Foundation of the Wheel
Lee started with three primary styles of loving. These are the building blocks. Think of them as the pure pigments. They aren't "better" than the others, but they are the most distinct.
Eros is the one we see in movies. It’s physical. It’s intense. It’s that immediate "I need to be near this person" feeling. People who lead with Eros usually have a very specific physical "type" they’re attracted to. They value beauty and chemistry above almost everything else. It’s a rush. But because it’s so intense, it can burn out fast if there isn’t something deeper underneath. It’s the spark that starts the fire, but it isn't necessarily the wood that keeps it going.
Then you have Ludus. This is where things get tricky. People with a Ludic style see love as a game. They like the chase. They like the flirtation. They’re often the ones who keep multiple "prospects" on the hook because they’re terrified of being tied down. For a Ludic lover, the fun is in the conquest, not the commitment. If you’ve ever dated someone who was hot and cold or loved the "push-pull" dynamic, you were probably dealing with Ludus.
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The third primary style is Storge. It’s the complete opposite of Eros. It’s love based on friendship. There’s no lightning bolt moment here. Instead, it’s a slow burn. It grows out of shared interests and mutual trust. Storge is incredibly stable. These are the couples who were best friends for five years before they ever went on a date. It’s comfortable. It’s safe. It’s a "we’re in this together" kind of vibe.
Mixing the Colors: The Secondary Styles
This is where the color wheel of love gets really interesting. Just like mixing yellow and blue gives you green, mixing these primary love styles creates three entirely new ways of relating to people. This is usually where the drama happens.
Mania (Eros + Ludus)
Imagine the intensity of Eros mixed with the uncertainty of Ludus. You get Mania. This is possessive, obsessive love. If you’ve ever felt like you couldn't eat or sleep because you were waiting for a text back, that’s Mania. Manic lovers need constant reassurance. They are often incredibly jealous. It’s a rollercoaster. One minute they’re on top of the world because their partner bought them flowers, and the next they’re convinced they’re being cheated on because their partner didn't answer the phone. It’s exhausting, but for some, the highs make the lows feel worth it.
Pragma (Storge + Ludus)
Pragma is exactly what it sounds like: pragmatic. It’s the "business" approach to romance. It mixes the friendship of Storge with the calculated nature of Ludus. A Pragmatic lover isn't looking for a soulmate; they’re looking for a partner who checks the boxes. Do you have a good job? Do we want the same number of kids? Do our families get along? It sounds cold, but Pragma is actually very functional. It’s about finding a life partner who fits into your long-term goals. It’s common in arranged marriages or among people who are "dating with intention" in their 30s and 40s.
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Agape (Eros + Storge)
Agape is often called "altruistic love." It’s the rarest one. It combines the passion of Eros with the deep bond of Storge but removes the "self" from the equation. It’s selfless. An Agapic lover gives without expecting anything in return. They prioritize their partner’s happiness over their own. While it sounds beautiful—and it is—it can be dangerous if the other person is a Ludic lover who just takes and takes. True Agape is about sacrifice and spiritual connection.
Why Compatibility Matters (And Why Your Ex Was "Wrong")
The whole point of the color wheel of love isn't just to label yourself. It’s to understand compatibility. Lee argued that the most successful relationships happen between people with the same or complementary styles.
If you are a Storge lover looking for a deep, slow-moving friendship, and you date a Ludus lover who wants to keep things casual and "fun," you’re going to get hurt. You’ll feel neglected, and they’ll feel suffocated. It’s like trying to mix oil and water. They just don't bond.
A lot of the "spark" we talk about is actually just Eros. But if you have two Eros lovers, they might have a fantastic three months and then realize they have absolutely nothing in common once the physical attraction settles into a routine. Understanding your style helps you realize that your "needs" aren't just you being needy or difficult—they’re a reflection of your love language on this wheel.
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The Nuance: You Aren't Just One Color
Let’s be real. No one is 100% one thing.
You might start a relationship with heavy Eros, transition into a more Manic phase as you get attached, and then eventually settle into Storge as you grow old together. Your style can also change based on who you’re dating. Maybe you were super chill and Storge-like with your high school sweetheart, but your last toxic ex turned you into a total Manic mess.
Lee’s research actually showed that men are more likely to be Ludic, while women tend to lean more toward Pragma, Storge, and Mania. This isn't a rule, obviously, but it shows how societal expectations and biology play into how we approach the wheel.
Putting the Color Wheel into Practice
So, what do you do with this? Stop looking for "The One" and start looking for the right style.
- Self-Audit Honestly. Look back at your last three relationships. Was there a pattern? If you keep ending up in "Manic" situations, you might be subconsciously seeking out Ludic partners who trigger that anxiety. That’s a sign to look for more Storge-heavy people.
- Talk About It Early. You don't have to pull out a literal diagram on the first date, but pay attention to how people talk about their past. If they say "I love the chase," believe them. That’s Ludus. If they say "I need to be friends first," that’s Storge. Don't try to change a blue person into a red person.
- Check Your Current Relationship. If you’re feeling unfulfilled, identify what’s missing. Maybe you’re heavy on Pragma (the bills are paid, the house is clean) but you’ve lost the Eros. You can consciously try to reintroduce those elements once you know what’s gone.
- Accept the Seasons. It’s okay if your love style shifts. Life is long. A couple facing a crisis might move into Agape to support each other, and that’s a beautiful thing.
The color wheel of love proves that "love" isn't just one emotion. It’s a spectrum. Understanding where you sit on that spectrum won't just make you better at dating; it'll make you kinder to yourself when things don't work out. You weren't "bad" at love; you were just playing with a different palette.