In 1961, Vogue had a hole to fill. A writer had flaked on an essay about self-respect, and they needed exactly 1,350 words to hit the printer. They called Joan Didion. She sat down and typed the piece to the precise character count, not even needing to see the layout. What she produced wasn't just filler content; it was a wrecking ball.
Joan Didion on self respect isn't a "wellness" piece. It’s not about bubble baths or "loving yourself" in the way we see on Instagram today. It’s actually kinda brutal.
People usually mistake self-respect for a clean conscience or a lack of regrets. Didion argues the opposite. To her, having self-respect is about the "willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life." It is the "source from which things spring." Without it, you’re basically just a spectator in your own skin, waiting for someone else to tell you you're okay.
The Misconception of the "Clean Slate"
Most of us think we'll finally respect ourselves once we stop making mistakes. We wait for a version of ourselves that is polished, professional, and socially acceptable. Didion calls BS on that immediately. She writes about the "shameful" nights, the times she failed to get into Phi Beta Kappa, and the "misplaced" letters.
The core of her argument is that self-respect has nothing to do with being a "good" person by societal standards.
It’s about the ability to look at your failures without flinching. If you can’t do that, you’re stuck in a loop of performance. You’re trying to charm yourself into believing you’re someone you aren’t. Honestly, most of us spend our entire lives doing exactly that. We play a character to avoid the "ghastly" reality of our own choices.
Didion’s version of self-respect is gritty. It’s the "discipline of the mind." It’s a "habit" you cultivate. It’s not a feeling that just washes over you because you did a good deed. It is the "toughness" required to live with the person you actually are, not the person you wish you were.
Why the Phi Beta Kappa Story Matters
Didion starts the essay with a personal failure. She didn't make the cut for an elite academic society. At the time, she felt like her life was over. She had "misplaced the keys to the kingdom."
But that failure was the catalyst. It forced her to realize that her sense of worth was tied to external validation. If a committee didn't want her, she felt worthless. This is the trap. If your self-respect is dependent on your GPA, your job title, or how many people liked your last post, you don't actually have self-respect. You have a "self-image" that is up for auction to the highest bidder.
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The "Alien Sleep" and the Price of Losing Your Way
There’s a specific kind of misery Didion describes for people who lack this internal compass. She calls it a "certain glaciers-and-fire" type of insomnia.
When you lack self-respect, you’re constantly trying to reconcile the "official" version of your life with the one you're actually living. You lie in bed wondering why you feel like a fraud. You’ve successfully tricked everyone else, but you can’t trick yourself. That's the catch. You are the one person you can never truly escape.
- You find yourself "fencing" with people you don't even like.
- You stay in relationships that are "morally expensive."
- You make promises you know you won't keep just to get through a conversation.
This is what she means by the "moral nerve." Without it, you lose the ability to say "no." Not just to others, but to the parts of yourself that want to take the easy way out.
Self-Respect as a Discipline, Not a Vibe
We talk about self-care a lot these days. Didion would probably hate that term. To her, self-respect is "the discipline of the mind" and "the chain of command."
It sounds cold. It sounds like something from a 19th-century boarding school. But think about it: if you can't rely on yourself to do what you say you're going to do, how can you possibly respect yourself? If you hit snooze six times, skip the workout you promised you'd do, and procrastinate on the work that matters, you are essentially telling yourself that your word is worthless.
It’s about the small things.
Keeping your own house in order.
Literally and figuratively.
She mentions that people with self-respect have a certain "knack" for life. They don't need a crowd. They don't need to be the center of attention because they are "comfortable" in their own company. They have "character." In the 1960s, "character" was a big word. It meant you had a spine. You weren't just a collection of reactions to outside stimuli.
The Jordan Almonds and the Rituals of Care
Didion writes about how people with self-respect do things like fold their clothes and "keep the appointments they make." It’s the "willingness to perform even the most trivial of duties" because they value the structure of their own lives.
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It’s not about being a perfectionist. It’s about not being a "moral waif."
When you stop caring about the rituals of your life, you start to dissolve. You become "invisible" to yourself. Didion suggests that we regain our self-respect through these small acts of will. It’s the "small, dry" discipline that keeps the "internal monsters" at bay.
The "Morally Expensive" Life
This is perhaps the most famous phrase from the essay. Didion warns against living a life that is "morally expensive."
What does that look like? It’s when you trade your integrity for comfort. It’s when you stay silent because it’s easier than speaking up. It’s when you let yourself be defined by others because you're too afraid to define yourself.
Eventually, the bill comes due.
You end up paying for that comfort with your soul. That sounds dramatic, but Didion was a dramatic writer. She dealt in the stakes of the individual versus the void. If you don't have self-respect, you have nothing to protect you from the "nothingness" of existence. You are just "drifting" on the tide of other people's opinions.
How Joan Didion on Self Respect Changes the Way You Think
If you read this essay and feel a little attacked, you’re doing it right. It’s supposed to sting.
Most modern advice is about "forgiving yourself." Didion isn't interested in your forgiveness. She’s interested in your accountability. She argues that once you accept that you are the author of your own mistakes, the shame actually starts to lift. Why? Because if you’re the one who messed it up, you’re the one who can fix it. Or at least, you’re the one who can live with it.
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There is an incredible power in saying: "I did that. It was my choice. I own the consequences."
That is the birth of self-respect. It’s the end of being a victim of your own biography. You stop blaming your parents, your ex, or the "system" for the state of your internal world. You realize that while you can't control what happens to you, you are 100% responsible for how you handle it.
The Connection to Stoicism
Though she doesn't explicitly name-drop Marcus Aurelius, Didion's essay is deeply Stoic. It’s about the "internal fortress."
The world is chaotic. People will let you down. You will lose things you love. But if you have that "intrinsic" sense of self-worth that isn't tied to success or failure, you are essentially "unbeatable." Not because you always win, but because your "self" isn't what's at stake in the game.
Practical Steps to Reclaim Self-Respect (The Didion Way)
So, how do you actually apply this? It’s not through affirmations. It’s through action.
- Conduct a "Moral Audit." Look at the areas of your life where you are currently being "morally expensive." Where are you lying to yourself? Where are you staying in a situation because you're afraid to be alone? Acknowledge it without the "pretty" excuses.
- Commit to the Small Disciplines. Start making your bed. Show up five minutes early. Finish the task you said you’d finish. These aren't just "productivity hacks." They are votes for the person you want to become.
- Stop Performing. Next time you’re in a social situation, notice when you’re "charming" people just to avoid being disliked. Try being quiet instead. Try being honest, even if it’s awkward.
- Accept the Past as Fixed. Didion emphasizes that we have to live with the "ghosts" of our past selves. Don't try to explain them away. Just say, "Yes, I was that person. And now I am making different choices."
- Develop "Character." This means having a set of values that don't change depending on who you're talking to. It means being the same person in the dark that you are in the light.
Self-respect is a "singular" thing. It’s yours and yours alone. No one can give it to you, and—this is the best part—no one can take it away. It’s the "price of admission" to your own life.
Without it, you’re just an uninvited guest at a party you didn't even want to go to. With it, you have the "greatest power of all": the ability to stand on your own two feet, look the world in the eye, and not feel like you need to apologize for existing.
The Final Insight
Didion ends her thought by noting that self-respect is "the rock on which the soul rests." It is the only thing that keeps us from being "thrown" by the "frighteningly" random events of life. It’s not a luxury. It’s a survival mechanism.
If you want to dive deeper into this mindset, your next move is to read the original essay in her collection Slouching Towards Bethlehem. It’s short, sharp, and will likely change the way you look at your own reflection. Stop waiting for the world to validate you. Start validating yourself through the "tough, dry" work of being a person of your word. That is the only way out of the "alien sleep" and back into a life that actually belongs to you.