You know that feeling when your shoulders are basically touching your earlobes and you can’t remember the last time you said "no" without a frantic, three-paragraph apology? It’s exhausting. Honestly, it’s more than exhausting—it’s soul-crushing. When I hear someone say, "I’ve twisted myself into knots for so long," I don't just hear a metaphor for being busy. I hear the sound of someone who has lost their own shape trying to fit into the spaces everyone else left for them.
We do it for a lot of reasons. Maybe you’re the "reliable" one at work who inherits every botched project. Or perhaps you’re the family peacemaker who swallows your own anger to keep Thanksgiving from turning into a courtroom drama. Whatever the flavor, the result is the same: a tangled mess of resentment, fatigue, and a weirdly hollow sense of self.
Why We Get Into These Knots in the First Place
It doesn’t happen overnight. You don't just wake up one Tuesday and decide to abandon your own needs for the sake of a neighbor's opinion on your lawn. It’s a slow creep. Psychologists often point to "fawning" as a trauma response—a way of navigating the world by becoming whatever the person in front of you needs you to be. Pete Walker, a therapist specializing in Complex PTSD, identifies fawning as a primary defense mechanism. If you can anticipate and meet every need of a potential "threat" (even if that threat is just a moody boss), you feel safe.
But safety comes at a price.
When you spend years prioritizing external harmony over internal integrity, your brain actually starts to struggle with "interoception." That’s the fancy medical term for sensing what’s happening inside your own body. If you’ve twisted yourself into knots for so long, you might actually find it hard to answer simple questions like "What do I want for dinner?" or "Am I actually tired, or am I just bored?" The signal is lost in the noise of everyone else’s expectations.
The Physical Cost of Emotional Contortion
Let’s talk about the body for a second because it’s not just "all in your head." Dr. Gabor Maté has spent decades writing about the link between suppressed emotions and physical illness, most notably in his book When the Body Says No. He argues that when we don't have the psychological boundaries to say no, our immune systems might eventually do it for us.
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- Chronic Tension: That tightness in your jaw (TMJ) or the permanent knot between your shoulder blades isn't just bad posture. It’s the physical manifestation of holding back words you aren't "allowed" to say.
- The Cortisol Spike: Constantly scanning your environment to make sure everyone is happy keeps you in a state of high-alert hypervigilance. Your adrenals are working overtime.
- Sleep Issues: It’s hard to drift off when you’re mentally replaying a conversation from 2:00 PM, wondering if your slightly-too-curt email made someone think you're "difficult."
The "knot" is a literal tightening of the fascia and muscles. It’s your body trying to brace itself against a world where you feel you have no agency.
The Social Performance of "Fine"
We live in a culture that rewards the knot-twisters. We call them "team players." We call them "selfless." We give them promotions and gold stars. But notice who is giving the rewards—it’s usually the people who benefit from your lack of boundaries.
There’s a concept in sociology called "emotional labor," originally coined by Arlie Hochschild. While it started as a way to describe the work of flight attendants and service workers, it’s expanded to describe the unpaid, invisible work of managing everyone else’s feelings. If you’re the person who remembers every birthday, smooths over every awkward joke, and never complains about the workload, you are performing massive amounts of emotional labor.
It’s a performance. And like any long-running show, the lead actor eventually gets burned out. You start to feel like a fraud. You feel like if you ever actually straightened out—if you became "untwisted"—the people around you wouldn't like the person they found.
Breaking the Cycle: How to Start Untying
You can’t just "stop" being this way. If I told you to just "be more assertive," you’d probably get a stomach ache just thinking about it. The process of untying those knots is slow. It’s more like physical therapy than a quick fix.
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1. Acknowledge the "Glimmer" of Resentment
Resentment is actually a very helpful emotion. It’s like a GPS signal telling you exactly where a boundary was crossed. Next time you feel that hot, prickly feeling of annoyance when someone asks for a "quick favor," don’t suppress it. Sit with it. That’s the part of you that wants to be untwisted.
2. The 24-Hour Rule
Stop saying "yes" on the spot. Even if you want to say yes! Especially if you feel that internal pressure to please. Try saying, "Let me check my calendar and get back to you tomorrow." This creates a "buffer zone" where you can decide if you actually have the capacity, or if you’re just reacting out of habit.
3. Small Stakes Rebellion
Practice being "difficult" in ways that don't matter. If a waiter brings you the wrong drink, politely send it back. If someone asks where you want to eat, don't say "I don't care, whatever you want." Pick a place. Even if it’s just tacos. You’re retraining your brain to recognize that your preferences won't cause the world to end.
The "Extinction Burst" Warning
Here’s the part people don't tell you: when you start untying yourself, people will react. Some will be supportive. But others—the ones who liked you better when you were a pretzel—will push back.
Psychologists call this an "extinction burst." When a behavior that used to work (your people-pleasing) stops working, the other person will often double down on their demands to try and get the old "you" back. They might call you "selfish" or say you’ve "changed."
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They’re right. You have changed. You’re becoming less of a shape-shifter and more of a human being. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s the only way to breathe again.
Living Untangled
Living without those knots doesn't mean becoming a jerk. It means becoming honest. When you've twisted yourself into knots for so long, honesty feels like a betrayal. But eventually, you realize that giving people a "fake" version of yourself isn't actually kind. It’s just a way of keeping them at a distance.
True connection only happens when two whole, untwisted people show up. It’s okay to be a little messy. It’s okay to be loud. It’s okay to take up space that isn't pre-approved by a committee.
Actionable Next Steps for the Over-Twisted
If you’re ready to start the untying process today, don't try to overhaul your entire personality by Monday. Start with these specific, low-friction moves:
- Audit Your "Yes" List: Write down the last five things you agreed to do. Next to each, write "Wanted to" or "Felt I had to." If the "Felt I had to" column is winning 5-0, it's time to pick one upcoming commitment to cancel or delegate.
- The "No" Script: Keep a pre-written text or email draft for turning things down. Something like: "Thanks for thinking of me! I'm at capacity right now so I can't take this on, but I appreciate the invite." Having the words ready prevents the "panic-yes."
- Somatic Check-ins: Three times a day, set a timer on your phone. When it goes off, check your body. Are your shoulders up? Is your breath shallow? Drop your shoulders and take three deep breaths into your belly. It’s a tiny way to tell your nervous system it doesn't need to be in a knot right now.
- Identify Your "Safe" Person: Find one friend who you can practice being 100% honest with. Tell them, "I'm trying to stop people-pleasing, so I might start saying 'no' to things more often. I need you to be okay with that."
Untying yourself is a practice, not a destination. You’ll probably twist yourself back up again next week when your mom calls or your boss is stressed. That’s fine. The goal isn't to never get knotted; it's to get faster at recognizing when it's happening so you can start letting go.