It sounds like a confession or a horror story headline. But for a specific subset of researchers, former extremists, and undercover federal agents, the phrase i've become friends with school shooters is a terrifyingly practical reality of modern intervention. We aren't talking about "friendship" in the sense of grabbing a beer or watching a movie. We’re talking about the deep, murky, and often soul-crushing work of entering digital spaces where young men are self-radicalizing in real-time.
It’s messy. It’s uncomfortable. Honestly, it’s a job most people wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole.
When people hear about someone getting close to these individuals, the immediate reaction is usually "Why?" or "How could you?" But if you look at the work of people like Jeff Williams or the various "interrupters" working in the nonprofit sector, the goal is simple: stopping the next tragedy before it leaves the group chat.
The internet has changed how violence scales. It’s no longer just the loner in the back of the classroom; it’s a global network of "inkels," "doomers," and nihilists who celebrate past shooters as saints. To stop them, some people have to go inside.
Why Getting Close to Radicalized Youth is a Necessary Evil
Let’s be real for a second. Law enforcement is great at responding to a scene, but they are often terrible at the "pre-incident" phase where the red flags are still pink. This is where the concept of i've become friends with school shooters enters the realm of social science. Researchers like Dr. Peter Langman, who has spent decades analyzing the psychology of school shooters, point out that these individuals almost always "leak" their intentions.
They talk. They vent. They look for validation.
If you’re a researcher or a mentor working in this space, you have to build rapport. You can't just walk into a Discord server or an 8chan thread and start lecturing people on morality. They'll kick you out in seconds. Instead, you listen. You hear about the bullying, the perceived injustices, and the absolute vacuum of purpose in their lives.
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Sometimes, the only way to pivot someone away from a violent plan is to be the first person in their life who actually listens to them without immediate judgment. It sounds counterintuitive—maybe even gross—but it's the front line of modern prevention.
Take the case of "The Parents' Circle" or various deradicalization groups. They often hire former radicals because they speak the language. They know the memes. They understand the specific brand of irony used to mask genuine homicidal intent. When an intervenor says "I've become friends with these kids," they mean they've built a bridge of trust strong enough to walk someone back from the edge.
The Psychology of the Digital "Trench"
The "friendship" is usually one-sided and deeply manipulative, but it serves a clinical purpose. Most of these shooters feel like they’re already dead. They call it "lying down and rotting."
When someone enters their world and offers a genuine human connection, it disrupts the narrative that the "normie" world hates them. Dr. Jillian Peterson and Dr. James Densley, the duo behind The Violence Project, have mapped out the life histories of nearly every mass shooter in US history. Their data shows a massive overlap in childhood trauma, a recognizable crisis point, and the "social proof" found in online communities.
If you can provide that social proof through a controlled relationship, you can theoretically break the cycle.
But there’s a massive risk. You can’t "befriend" a potential shooter without it taking a toll on your own mental health. You’re staring into a void of misogyny, racism, and profound hopelessness every single day. Most people who do this work professionally have strict "de-rolling" protocols. They have therapists. They have to, because if you spend all day talking to people who want to burn the world down, you start to forget why the world was worth saving in the first place.
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The Ethics of Proximity
Is it ethical to befriend someone you know is dangerous?
It’s a gray area. If you’re a journalist like Dave Cullen, who spent years immersed in the aftermath and the culture of Columbine, you learn that the "monster" narrative is actually a hindrance to prevention. If we treat them as monsters, we miss the human signals.
However, there is a line. If i've become friends with school shooters means you are validating their ideology or helping them hide, you’ve crossed from intervention to complicity. This is why professional interrupters work with "threat assessment teams." These teams usually consist of psychologists, school administrators, and law enforcement.
The "friend" in this scenario is the carrot; the threat assessment team is the stick.
The goal is to move the individual from "I want to kill" to "I need help." This often involves getting them into "wrap-around services"—things like stable housing, job training, or intensive psychiatric care. It’s not about being "pals." It’s about being a tether to reality.
What Most People Get Wrong About Intervention
We love the "lone wolf" myth. It makes for good movies. But the reality is that most of these individuals are part of a very loud, very toxic pack.
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The biggest misconception is that you can "fix" them with a single conversation. You can’t. Radicalization is a slow drip of resentment. Deradicalization is an even slower drip of humanization.
Another huge mistake? Thinking that these "friendships" are built on shared interests. They aren't. They’re built on the intervenor’s ability to withstand immense amounts of verbal abuse and nihilism until the subject finally cracks and shows a sliver of vulnerability.
If you look at the work of Christian Picciolini, a former neo-Nazi who now helps others leave hate groups, the process is almost identical. You don't argue facts. You don't tell them they're wrong. You find the "hole" in their heart—the trauma or the loneliness—and you fill it with something other than hate.
The Red Flags Are Often Digital
If you’re a parent or a teacher, the idea of someone "becoming friends" with these types of people is scary. But we have to recognize where the "friendships" are actually happening.
- Closed Platforms: Discord, Telegram, and private Signal groups are the new basements.
- The Language of "Saint-ing": If you see a kid talking about past shooters using religious or heroic terminology, that’s a massive red flag.
- A sudden shift in hygiene or sleep: These are the physical manifestations of the digital rot.
Interventionists who do this work often say that by the time they've "become friends" with a subject, the subject has already been rejected by everyone else in their "real" life. We have to ask ourselves why the only people willing to talk to these kids are either people like them or people paid to save them.
Practical Steps for Real-World Prevention
If you are worried about someone in your orbit, you don't need to "become friends" with a potential shooter in the way a professional interrupter does. That’s dangerous and usually counterproductive for a layperson. Instead, follow the established protocols for threat assessment.
- Don't ignore the "Leakage": If someone makes a "joke" about a school shooting, report it. In almost every major incident in the last decade, someone knew something and thought it was just "edgy humor."
- Contact a Threat Assessment Team: Most major school districts now have these. They aren't just for calling the cops; they’re for getting a kid a psychological evaluation before a crisis happens.
- Engage, Don't Alienate: If a kid is drifting toward extremist content, cutting off the internet might be necessary, but it’s a band-aid. You have to address the "why." Why is that content more appealing than their real life?
- Look at The Violence Project Resources: They have a wealth of data-driven tools for parents and teachers to identify the specific pathway to violence.
The work of staying close to the flame to keep it from spreading is exhausting. It’s a niche, dark corner of social work and intelligence gathering. But as long as the internet provides a megaphone for the lonely and the lost, we’re going to need people who aren't afraid to go into those digital spaces and pull people back. It’s not about friendship in the way we usually mean it. It’s about being the last line of defense.