You’re staring at your phone. It’s 2:00 AM. They texted something completely mundane—maybe just a meme or a "hey"—and your heart is doing this weird, frantic rhythmic thing that feels like a trapped bird. You’ve been here before. Or maybe you haven't. You start Googling. You’re asking the internet, your best friend, and your cat: is this love that i'm feeling, or am I just sleep-deprived and lonely?
It’s a messy question.
Love isn't a single, clean emotion like "happy" or "sad." It is a chemical cocktail, a sociological construct, and a psychological defense mechanism all wrapped into one. Honestly, the reason we struggle to identify it is that our bodies often mistake stress for affection. It’s called "misattribution of arousal." If you’re anxious, your brain might tell you you’re in love because the physiological symptoms—sweaty palms, racing heart—are identical.
The Science of the "Spark"
When you ask yourself, is this love that i'm feeling, you’re actually asking about a specific neurological sequence. Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist who has spent decades scanning brains in love, breaks it down into three distinct stages: lust, attraction, and attachment. They don't always happen in that order.
Lust is the easy part. That’s just testosterone and estrogen doing their jobs. It’s a craving. Attraction is where it gets tricky. This is the "honey-moon phase" driven by dopamine and norepinephrine. It’s basically a legal high. When you’re in this stage, your brain actually looks remarkably similar to the brain of someone with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Your serotonin levels drop. You literally cannot stop thinking about them because your brain chemistry won't let you.
Then there’s the third stage: attachment. This is governed by oxytocin and vasopressin. This is the "cuddle hormone" territory. It’s the feeling of safety. If you feel like you could take a nap next to someone and feel totally protected, that’s attachment. If you feel like you’re about to jump out of an airplane when they walk into the room, that’s attraction.
The Cortisol Spike
Most people think love feels peaceful. In the beginning? It rarely is. In fact, early-stage romantic love is a stressor. Researchers at the University of Pisa found that the early stages of falling in love significantly raise cortisol levels—the stress hormone. This is why you feel "lovesick." You’re literally under physiological stress.
Is This Love That I'm Feeling or Just Infatuation?
Infatuation is intense. It’s a wildfire. It consumes everything, but it runs out of fuel fast because it’s based on an idealized version of a person. You aren't in love with them; you're in love with the idea of them.
Love, on the other hand, is a slow burn.
- Infatuation demands constant validation. If they don't text back in ten minutes, the world is ending.
- Love allows for space. You trust the connection enough to let them have a life outside of you.
- Infatuation is focused on how they make you feel. It’s a bit selfish, honestly.
- Love is focused on their well-being, sometimes even at the expense of your own immediate ego.
Think about the "Three-Month Rule." There is a reason many relationships crumble at the 90-day mark. That is roughly how long it takes for the initial dopamine flood to recede. When the chemicals drain away, you’re left looking at a real person with flaws, weird habits, and maybe a questionable taste in movies. If you still want to be in the room with them once the "high" is gone, you’re moving toward love.
The Attachment Theory Lens
Your "is this love that i'm feeling" internal debate might actually be a byproduct of your attachment style. Psychologists like John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth pioneered this stuff, and it’s been popularized recently by the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.
If you have an anxious attachment style, you might mistake "anxiety" for "love." You crave intimacy so much that any breadcrumb of attention feels like a soulmate connection. You might feel "in love" within three days.
If you have an avoidant attachment style, you might mistake "fear" for "boredom." Just as things start getting real, you feel an urge to pull away. You tell yourself they aren't "the one" or that you aren't feeling it, but really, your brain is just trying to protect you from the vulnerability that love requires.
Real love usually feels "boring" to people used to high-conflict relationships. It’s steady. It’s consistent. It doesn't have the wild, exhausting peaks and valleys of a toxic situationship.
The Reality of Compassionate Love
There is a difference between passionate love and compassionate love. Most pop songs are about passionate love—the kind that makes you want to drive all night or stand in the rain. But compassionate love is what keeps people together for 50 years.
Psychologist Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love suggests that "consummate love" (the goal) requires three things:
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- Intimacy (feeling close)
- Passion (the physical drive)
- Commitment (the decision to stay)
If you only have intimacy, you have a friendship. If you only have passion, you have infatuation. If you only have commitment, you have "empty love."
When you’re asking is this love that i'm feeling, check which sides of the triangle are actually there. Are you just physically attracted to them? Do you actually know their middle name or what they were like in the third grade? Do you see yourself choosing them even when they’re annoying?
Cultural Pressure and the "Soulmate" Myth
We live in a world that sells us a very specific brand of romance. Disney, Rom-Coms, and TikTok "relationship goals" have convinced us that love is a lightning bolt. It isn't. For most people, love is a choice that you make every morning.
Sometimes, the feeling of love is actually just the feeling of being seen. If you’ve felt invisible for a long time and someone finally pays attention to you, it can feel like the most profound love in history. But that’s a reflection of your own needs, not necessarily a deep connection with that specific person.
Actionable Steps to Figure It Out
If you’re stuck in your head, stop thinking and start observing. Your brain can lie to you, but your patterns won't.
1. The "Worst Day" Test
Imagine you’ve just had the absolute worst day of your life. You failed a project, your car broke down, and you’re exhausted. Who is the first person you want to talk to? If it’s them, not because they’ll "fix" it, but because their presence feels like a safe harbor, that’s a strong indicator of love.
2. Check Your Ego
Do you want them to succeed even if it doesn't involve you? True love involves a lack of "zero-sum" thinking. If they get a great job offer in another city, is your first thought "I'm so happy for them" or "What about me?"
3. Monitor Your Physicality
Are you calm around them? While the "butterflies" are great for movies, long-term love is often characterized by a lowered heart rate and a sense of "nervous system regulation." If being around them makes you feel constantly on edge, it might be an unhealthy obsession rather than love.
4. The 48-Hour Silence
Take two days. No texting, no checking their Instagram stories. How do you feel? If you feel a sense of withdrawal like a drug addict, that’s likely infatuation/dopamine. If you feel a quiet, consistent longing but can still function and enjoy your own life, you’re likely experiencing a deeper emotional bond.
5. Distinguish Between Need and Want
Do you need them to fill a hole in your life, or do you want them because they add value to an already full life? Love is a surplus. You should be two whole people coming together, not two halves trying to make a whole.
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Ultimately, if you’re asking is this love that i'm feeling, you’re already in the middle of a significant emotional transition. Give it time. Feelings are fluid. They shift. What feels like love today might feel like a lesson tomorrow, and that’s okay. The only way to know for sure is to let the chemicals settle and see who is standing there when the dust clears. Love isn't just a feeling; it's the action you take once the feeling isn't new anymore.