Prologue WIP- for a book im writing

[Sohashu]

Boom.

The man lying on the ground in flowing black robes stirred.  He lay face down in the dirt, his black garment obscuring his body from view. 

Boom.

His eyes flickered open, showing grey irises.  A gust of wind whistled through rock formations in a haunting way, rustling the knee high grass, and blowing dirt that was being shaken up by the recurring, rhythmic tremors.  The wind became still, and the suspended dirt was silhouetted by the low, blood rays of the setting sun.  The man’s face contorted as the wind blew again.  Finally awoken, he rose.

He brushed dirt off his face, and his features where made apparent.  Dark brown hair framed his face, and his chin was rough with stubble. His grey eyes glistened, reflecting the horizon.  The wind blustered into his face, and his robes parted, revealing red clothes beneath.  The threads on these garments were shimmering gold, and there was a strange symbol embroidered into his clothes.  Collecting his robes, he buttoned up all the buttons from the collar to his crotch area, allowing free movement of his legs.  He stretched his legs, and his surprisingly well polished boots caught the light as they moved above the long grass.  Still waking up, he lost his balance while stretching and fell backwards to the ground.  He chuckled to himself, and steadily came back up to his feet.  He suddenly realized that there was still rhythmic pounding, and he started to survey his surroundings.

The horizon appeared empty apart from the various trees, rocks, and the occasional termite mound.  But he had to find the origin of those recurring tremors.  He continued to rotate around, his piercing stare scanning every inch of the surrounding plains.  He saw nothing, and decided to climb to the top of the nearest rock structure for a better vantage point.

     He burst forth like a breaking dam to the structure, though he had second thoughts as he neared it, as every tremor shook up loose dust from the near vertical face.  Gliding softly and swiftly through the grass, he noticed that it started to thin out and shorten the closer he got to the tower of stone, probably due to rocky, hard soil.  It consisted of a main spire, and several small ledges, the largest being barely enough for him to sit on in a comfortable position.  Some of these larger ledges doubled as entrances to caves.  Scrambling to the top, his view gradually gained distance.  When there were no more hand holds, he pulled out a dagger and tested the strength of the rock by pushing until it was in enough to stay there on its own.  Judging by the force needed, his dagger would hold, but he would not be able to get it out.

   Holding his dagger firmly, he prepared himself jump as high as he could go.  He took a deep breath, and leapt up.  He seemed to fly due to the graceful movement of his robes.  He tightened his grip on the knife, and slammed it into the wall.  It went into the hilt, and the force of impact had cracked the wall around the blade.  Now at a higher point of view, he began to see tiny pinpricks of shadow on the horizon.  Originating from some of these pinpricks were pins, tiny lines of darkness that he was sure had something sharp that could inflict pain on the end.  And there was no way he could outrun them, for they stretched as far as the eye could see. 

       Now faced with getting down, he grabbed rope from one of his voluminous pockets.  He tightened the grip he had with his legs, and began to tie the rope to the hilt of his dagger.  When he was satisfied with the knot, he began to belay himself down.  Now aware of where the noise was coming from, he decided he might as well wait.  So he set out to find somewhere to rest.  He found that the caves in the rock formation were larger than the cramped entrances led you to believe.  He found a suitable one that’s entrance he had to crawl with his belly on the ground to enter.  One disadvantage was that the sound of the oncoming march reverberated throughout the cave, and was quite distracting.  He took off his robes and put it at the mouth of the cave.  He then reached into an inside pocket in which resided a few matches and a striker.  He then chastised himself for not collecting wood and kindling.  He felt around for his robes again and he pulled them off the entrance way.       

   He pushed his robes out ahead of him, and pulled himself through the opening.  The man pulled his garb around him, and started propelling himself to the nearest tree.  He glided across the ground and found that, to his glee, that there were dried out branches at the base of the tree, which provided a wide area of shade.  Taking a larger, straighter piece of wood, he laid out his robes, snapped the branches into smaller portions, and placed these portions on top of his garment.  He took the long, straight branch and tied his robes to it to form a sling.  Taking them back up to his temporary abode proved difficult, but he got there in a reasonable slot of time.

   He took the makeshift bag off its support pole, and slid it through the opening.  Taking rocks from around the mouth of the cave, he noticed that the pinpricks on the horizon were considerably closer.  He rolled what he had collected into the cave, and he followed suit.  Now ready to get settled in, he put a wall up around where he would place his fire, built a teepee of wood in the center, and struck a match.  He had made these matches at great expense, due to criminals that had been attacking supply routes and travel for merchants these days took a lot of convincing.     



Please critique.  I am halfway through typing the prologue up.  And be nice   im only 13(true story)
I dont really care.  say whatever.

[Xion]

Haha, sweet, another writer.
This was an interesting read, though I found it a bit awkward in some areas.

Well, here goes.

I think you should establish that there is a man on the ground before you describe him as stirring. I don't know really how to put this, so example usually works best:

Boom.

The obscure figure on the ground lay motionless, save for the rippling of the robes that blanketed it as the warm breeze coursed over the landscape.

Boom.

The wind whisped dust into the air and blew the cloak from over the head of the figure, revealing it as a man. Slowly, he stirred.

Or something like that. It seems odd just starting off with a character that has no prior introduction. Well, I know it's been done, but in this case it sounds wierd.

The wind became still, and the suspended dirt was silhouetted by the low, blood rays of the setting sun.

I didn't quite understand what you were trying to convey here. I pictured a slew of dust particles casting the kind of shadows you see coming through the window into a dark room on a sunny day...if that made sense. However, I don't think that kind of lighting occurs in open environments. Some clarification would be nice. Sometimes simpler is better.

Finally awoken, he rose.

This is probably personal preference, but I think that awakened would fit better.

He brushed dirt off his face, and his features where made apparent

Again, personal preference, but I think something along the lines of:

As he brushed the dirt from his face, his features became apparent.

His grey eyes glistened, and they reflected the horizon.

His grey eyes glistened, reflecting the horizon.

The threads on these garments were shimmering gold, and there was a strange symbol threaded into his clothes.

The threads on his garments shimmered gold [in the fading sunlight], and a strange symbol threaded throughout his clothes.

Due to the fact that he was still waking up, he lost his balance while stretching and fell backwards to the ground.

Please, don't start sentences with "due to the fact" unless you're writing an essay or something...and even then, such phrases should be avoided. It's a waste of breath and breaks up the flow of the story. Try

In his state of dazed wakefulness, he stretched too far and stumbled to the ground, falling backwards [into the loose, dusty earth].

Sorry, I don't mean to be nitpicky. But most of this stuff is just personal preference to what I think would make the sentences flow better. I sho' 'nuff ain't got a degree in this or anything, so take it lightly.

...and he started to survey his surroundings.

...and he began surveying his surroundings.

As he sprinted to the structure he had second thoughts, as every tremor loosened rocks from the near vertical face.

When did he start sprinting?

He began sprinting towards the structure, but as he did so he began having second thoughts. With each tremor that growled beneath his feet, he noticed that some rocks had become loose from the near vertical face and plummetted to the ground.

Gliding softly and swiftly through the grass, he noticed that it started to thin out and shorten the closer he got to the protrusion of rock.

What is the subject of this sentence? It's difficult to understand when you have pronouns precede what they are replacing. It's also unclear what you mean by thin out and shorten.

Gliding softly and swiftly through the grass, he noticed that, as he neared the skyward projection of stone, it started to thin out and shorten(?).

It consisted of a main spire, and several small ledges, the largest being barely enough for him to sit in the lotus position on.

Barely enough? Barely enough what? "The lotus position" is to specific. It suggests he might have room to sit on it in some other position.

It consisted of a main spire, and several small ledges, the largest having barely enough room for him to sit on.

Ah, Well, it's getting a bit late here, and my mom's gonna start nagging me to go to bed soon, so I'll post this now. Again, sorry if I come off as nitpicky, and keep up the writing. I might edit this later with the finished "evaluation." Muahaha... j/k  . Hope I helped.

~Xion

[Sohashu]

I improved on some of the things you said, but somethings I decided I liked the way they were.  Its just the way I write.  Things such as repetition, continuity errors, etc. I will act upon, but the rest, unless there is a blatant error, I wil leave as is. 

[Xion]

Very well, then. Glad I could help. It's much better now.

[Darien]

The wind became still, and the suspended dirt was silhouetted by the low, blood rays of the setting sun.

I thought of rays literally made of blood here. Careful of things like this.  They are blood red rays, not blood rays.  (I also don't like the use of rays, since you don't see the individual rays, just light)

I don't feel like going through like Xion did right now, so some general advice:  Clarify and Condense.  Try to cut sentences to as short as possible.  If you can say something in 5 words instead of 6, do it. Things like this:

The man pulled his garb around him, and started propelling himself to the nearest tree.  He glided across the ground and found that, to his glee, that there were dried out branches at the base of the tree, which provided a wide area of shade.

could use some work.  The first sentence is basically uneccessary here.  Also try not to pack so many prepositional phrases at the end of a sentence.  It gets confusing what "which provided a wide area of shade" refers to.  The dried out branches, or the base of the tree?  The shade part even seems irrelevant to the rest of the sentences as he doesn't rest in the shade and you don't mention it in the next sentence or anything.  And of course the tree will give shade, you don't really need to mention that a tree gives off shade.

Here's my edit:

The man pulled his garb around him and glided across the ground to the nearest tree. To his glee, he found that there were many dried out branches at the base of the tree. [/color=red]

45 to 34 words with no loss in relevant information.  Think color conservation in pixel art!  The uneccesary parts clutter.  In writing, they only make more work for the reader.

The threads on these garments were shimmering gold, and there was a strange symbol embroidered into his clothes.  Collecting his robes, he buttoned up all the buttons from the collar to his crotch area, allowing free movement of his legs.

This part confuses me, as I didn't realize there was a question of any constraint on his leg movement.  Also, crotch "area"?  Avoid vague descriptions like that when you're talking about something specific.  It just gives the impression that you don't know what you're talking about and you don't feel like looking up the right term.  "Crotch" would be fine here.

Now faced with getting down, he grabbed rope from one of his voluminous pockets.

Voluminous?  Hell, they're large. 

Also, I'd stay away from things like "He decided..."  "To his glee..." and other internal thoughts like that when you are seemingly trying to distance the reader from him by not letting us know who he is or where he is.

Yeah, so I said more than I said I was going to...

Good work, keep it up.

[Sohashu]

Woah.  I hadnt noticed I left out red.  Thanks. 
Ill see what I can do. 

[Pawige]

First thing I noticed was that you often use commas after ands. It's not really a big deal but messes up the flow for me as I read it.

He took the makeshift bag off its support pole, and slid it through the opening.

Have you tried reading it all out loud yet? That really helps me find stuff that sounds odd.

Darien nailed the main point I was going to make; just about everything needs to be cut down some. The faster you can get information to the reader, the better. Dawdle too much and the book will get really dull.

I just gotta mention a couple other random things that stood out as I skimmed it:

He burst forth like a breaking dam to the structure,

I definitely wouldn't use "structure" here, as it seems to imply a building. I'd definitely axe the "burst forth like a breaking dam" thing, too. I actually giggled when I first read it. It seems very out of place.

And this,

Now at a higher point of view, he began to see tiny pinpricks of shadow on the horizon. Originating from some of these pinpricks were pins, tiny lines of darkness that he was sure had something sharp that could inflict pain on the end.  And there was no way he could outrun them, for they stretched as far as the eye could see.

I think the real problem here is that it's too vague. On my first read through my "brain theater" played something like this,
Pinpricks of shadow on horizon = Like inverted fireflies?
Something sharp inflict pain on end = Inverted firefly...hornets?!
No way to outrun them, stretch as far as eye can see = Giant swarm of inverted firefly hornets?!?!

Example of a shortened and defined version:

From his new vantage point on the rock, he could see he was circled about by dark figures still distant but slowly closing in. Some appeared to be
armed with spears, though any more detail was difficult to make out.

I'd really like to write a book myself some day, but I don't really have the drive or any ideas for it right now. I do always love critiquing someone else's work though. I'd say you write very well for a 13 year old. Keep at it!

Edit: As a sidenote, I think this probably should've gone in the OT creativity thread.

[Sohashu]

The description comes later on in the prologue.  I have descriptions for both sides.  I do like the pinpricks, and it gets to the business end soon.  So have a little patience. 

[Faktablad]

Hey there, I like the story you've got here.  I've got a few crits too.  They're mainly just uncomfortable spots that you have to train yourself to work around.

He found that the caves in the rock formation were larger than the cramped entrances led you to believe.

I really think the "you" should be cut from the entire story.  You're in 3rd person, not 1st or 2nd.  It really stops the reader and make him/her wonder "wait, why am I in this thing?"  I'd replace it with something like:

He discovered that in spite of their cramped entrances, the caves were quite spacious inside.

He found a suitable one that’s entrance he had to crawl with his belly on the ground to enter.

Again, I felt some discomfort while reading this.  "That's?"  Also, you don't need "crawl with his belly on the ground."  If someone's crawling on his belly, it's implied that he's on the ground.  Perhaps you should go for

He came upon a suitable cave, however its entrance was so small he was forced to crawl on his belly to enter it.

One disadvantage was that the sound of the oncoming march reverberated throughout the cave, and was quite distracting.

You don't need "one disadvantage" if there isn't a list of disadvantages.  Also, distracting from what?

(The cave was rather cozy, however) the sounds of the oncoming march made him uncomfortable as they reverberated throughout the cave.

He took off his robes and put it at the mouth of the cave.

Just minor proofreading; "it" should be "them".

built a teepee of wood in the center

"Teepee" refers to Native American Indians.  If your story takes place in a world where Indians don't exist, replace "teepee" with an equally descriptive word.

I found while reading that I was much more impressed and engaged by the first part rather than the second.  I find there were too many sentences such as "He then blah blah blahed.  He blahed the blah... Next he blahed".  It's a bit too procedural.  Having too many procedural sentences (what the character did) makes the story dull.  Try and analyze and make sure that everything the character does is relevant and pertains to the main story.  Remember that prologues are usually quick and packed with action, intrigue, and unanswered questions---Make your reader want to read on.

I hope I didn't sound too mean; Don't pass up my suggestions because of that.  You seem very serious about this book, so you'll get serious critique.

[Locrian]

I agree that "crotch area" sounds a bit goofy.  Just "from neck to crotch" or "from neck to groin" would be better I think.  Also agree with Faktablad's last critique.
 

He found that the caves in the rock formation were larger than the cramped entrances led you to believe.  He found a suitable one that’s entrance he had to crawl with his belly on the ground to enter.  One disadvantage was that the sound of the oncoming march reverberated throughout the cave, and was quite distracting.  He took off his robes and put it at the mouth of the cave.  He then reached into an inside pocket in which resided a few matches and a striker.  He then chastised himself for not collecting wood and kindling.  He felt around for his robes again and he pulled them off the entrance way.       

At the end of this paragraph you begin four sentences in a row with 'He'.  And before that you had two in a row.  Too repititive.  Very distracting.  Other paragraphs are probably making too much use of 'he' as well.

Other than that, sounds interesting. 

[Faktablad]

I just wanted to add that this made me want to start writing again.  So I'd say that's a good sign.