You know that feeling when you finally wake up and realize the weight is gone? It’s not a parade. There aren't any fireworks. Honestly, it’s usually just a quiet Tuesday morning where you realize you didn't check their Instagram or replay that specific argument in your head while making coffee. You’re just done.
Saying I'm over it now is a massive milestone. But it’s also one of the most misunderstood psychological states we deal with. People think "getting over it" is like crossing a finish line. It isn't. It’s more like a fading bruise. You forget it’s there until you accidentally press on it, but eventually, even the pressure doesn't hurt.
The reality of emotional recovery—whether we’re talking about a breakup, a toxic job, or a friendship that imploded—is messy. It’s chaotic. Sometimes it’s even a bit boring.
The Science of Reaching the I'm Over It Now Phase
Psychologists often talk about the "Stages of Grief" by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, but those stages—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—aren't a neat checklist. You don't just do step one and move to step two. You might be in "acceptance" at 10:00 AM and find yourself back in "anger" by lunch because you smelled a certain perfume or saw a specific brand of cereal at the store.
True closure is actually a physiological event. Research in neurobiology suggests that when we are stuck on something, our brains are essentially addicted to the stress hormones associated with the event. We loop the memory because the brain is trying to "solve" a problem that has no solution. When you can sincerely say I'm over it now, it means your prefrontal cortex has finally convinced your amygdala that the threat has passed.
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The "click" happens when the narrative changes. You stop being the victim in the story and start being the narrator.
Why We Lie About Being Over It
We’ve all said it while blinking back tears. "No, really, I'm over it now."
We say it because there is a social stigma attached to lingering pain. We live in a "hustle" culture that demands we "bounce back" or "pivot" immediately. If you’re still hurting six months later, people start giving you that look. You know the one. The tilted head and the pitying smile.
So, we perform "over it-ness." We post the "living my best life" photos. We go on dates we don’t want to be on. We tell our friends we don't care.
But performing closure is the fastest way to delay it. Dr. Guy Winch, a psychologist and author of How to Fix a Broken Heart, argues that emotional pain should be treated with the same seriousness as physical pain. You wouldn't tell someone with a broken leg to just "walk it off" after two days. Yet, we do that to ourselves with emotional wounds.
Realizing you aren't over it is actually the first step toward actually getting there.
The Turning Point: Signs You've Actually Moved On
How do you know? Not the "I'm pretending for my ex's benefit" version, but the real thing.
It usually shows up in small, weird ways.
- Indifference over anger. Anger is still a connection. It’s a hot, tethering cord between you and the thing that hurt you. Indifference? That’s the real goal. When you hear their name and you don't feel a spike in your chest, you're getting close.
- The "Rose-Colored Glasses" fall off. Early on, you might only remember the good stuff. Or, if it was a bad situation, you might only see the trauma. True closure is seeing the whole picture—the good, the bad, and the mundane—without it triggering a meltdown.
- You stop checking. The digital age has made "being over it" ten times harder. The "I'm over it now" moment often coincides with the day you realize you haven't searched their name in a week.
- Future-focus. You start making plans that don't involve "showing them" or proving your worth. You're just doing things because you want to do them.
Common Obstacles to Saying I'm Over It Now
Sometimes we get stuck. It’s not because we’re weak; it’s because the human brain is wired for attachment.
One major hurdle is the "search for why." We think if we just understood why they did it or why it happened, we could move on. But here’s a hard truth: the "why" rarely helps. Even if you got a perfectly typed-out explanation, you’d probably find a reason to disagree with it. Closure isn't something someone gives you. It’s something you decide to have.
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Another big one? Social media. The "echo chamber of the past." Seeing a "On This Day" memory can set you back weeks. If you’re trying to reach the I'm over it now stage, you have to curate your digital environment. Mute. Block. Unfollow. It’s not petty; it’s surgery. You’re removing the triggers so the wound can actually close.
Navigating the "Relapse"
Healing is not linear. You will have days where you feel invincible. You'll think, "I've done it. I am officially over it now." Then, a song plays in a grocery store, and suddenly you're a mess.
This isn't failure. It's just the way the brain processes complex emotions. Think of it like a shoreline. The tide goes out, but every once in a while, a rogue wave comes in. It doesn't mean the tide isn't going out; it just means the ocean is big.
When those waves hit, the worst thing you can do is judge yourself. "I thought I was over this" is a toxic thought. A better one? "I'm feeling this right now, but I know it's temporary."
Actionable Steps to Finding Real Closure
If you’re tired of saying you’re over it when you’re not, try these shifts.
1. Audit your "Mental Real Estate"
Notice how much time you spend "litigating" the past in your head. When you catch yourself in a mental court case, physically say "stop" or "not now." It sounds silly, but it interrupts the neural loop.
2. Stop the "Re-traumatization" Cycle
Don't look at the old photos. Don't read the old texts. Don't ask mutual friends how they are. Every time you do this, you're picking the scab. Let it heal.
3. Change your environment
The brain associates places with feelings. If you always ruminated on your couch, move the couch. Paint a wall. Buy new sheets. Give your brain new visual stimuli to build new, healthier associations.
4. Write the "Unsent Letter"
Get it all out. Every mean, petty, sad, and desperate thing you want to say. Then, burn it or delete it. Do not send it. The point is the release, not the communication.
5. Redefine your identity
Often, we hold onto things because we don't know who we are without that conflict or that person. Start a new hobby that has zero connection to your past. Rebuild the "you" that exists independently of what happened.
Reaching the point where you can confidently say I'm over it now takes as long as it takes. There’s no 30-day program. There’s no magic pill. But one day, you’ll realize you’ve gone a whole day without thinking about it. Then a week. Then a month. And by then, you won't even feel the need to say it out loud anymore. You'll just be living.