It starts small. Maybe a shared joke over a lukewarm coffee in the breakroom or a late-night Slack message that felt a little too personal for 9:00 PM on a Tuesday. Then, suddenly, you realize you aren't just "invested" in your career; you’re in love with my taken boss. It’s a gut-punch realization. You’re navigating a minefield where the stakes aren't just your heart, but your paycheck, your professional reputation, and someone else’s relationship.
The workplace is a breeding ground for these feelings. Honestly, it makes sense. You spend 40+ hours a week together, solving problems and celebrating wins. Propinquity—the psychological tendency to develop a preference for people because they are familiar—is a powerful drug. When you add the power dynamics of a supervisor-subordinate relationship, things get complicated fast.
The psychology of the workplace crush
Why does this happen? According to research from the Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM), roughly 33% of U.S. employees have been involved in a workplace romance. But when that person is your boss—and they’re already partnered—the "crush" shifts into something much more taxing.
You might be experiencing what psychologists call "Limerence." This isn't just a simple crush. It’s an involuntary state of intense desire. You’re hyper-aware of every "good morning" and every critique. If they mention their spouse, you feel a sharp pang of resentment. If they stay late with you to finish a deck, you find yourself searching for subtext in their eye contact.
It’s exhausting.
The power imbalance plays a huge role here too. There is something inherently attractive about competence and authority. Watching someone lead a room or handle a crisis can trigger deep-seated attraction. Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, often notes that "adventure" and "shared goals" release dopamine, the same chemical associated with early-stage romantic love. Your office isn't just a cubicle farm; it's a dopamine factory.
When the "taken" part becomes the problem
Dealing with the fact that your boss is in a committed relationship adds a layer of moral and emotional weight that can feel suffocating. You aren't just competing for their time; you’re competing with an established life.
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Think about the reality.
If they are married or in a long-term partnership, they have history, shared finances, and perhaps children. Even if they feel a "vibe" with you, the cost of them acting on it is astronomical. This is where most people get stuck in a loop of "what if." You tell yourself they seem unhappy. You convince yourself that they look at you differently than they look at their partner’s photo on their desk.
The proximity effect and misreading signals
It is incredibly easy to misinterpret professional kindness for romantic interest. When a boss mentors you, gives you extra attention, or advocates for your promotion, that is their job. However, when you’re in love with my taken boss, your brain filters their professional support through a romantic lens.
- That extra check-in? They wanted to hear my voice.
- The praise in the meeting? They think I’m special.
- The "accidental" touch during a presentation? It was a sign.
Usually, it isn't a sign. It’s just work.
The danger here is "confirmation bias." You look for evidence that supports your feelings and ignore the evidence that doesn't—like the fact that they go home to someone else every single night.
The professional risks nobody wants to talk about
Let's get real for a second. If you act on this, or even if you just let it simmer, you are putting your career on a chopping block.
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Most corporate policies have strict "Non-Fraternization" clauses. If you’re at a mid-to-large company, HR isn't there to protect your heart; they’re there to protect the company from a sexual harassment lawsuit or a conflict of interest claim. If a relationship did start, and then it soured, you’re the one who is likely to lose. Historically, the lower-ranking employee is the one who gets transferred or "asked to move on."
There is also the "Quid Pro Quo" risk. Even if a relationship is consensual, if that boss gives you a raise or a plum assignment, your coworkers will notice. The "favoritism" narrative will follow you everywhere. Your hard-earned achievements will be dismissed as "perks of the affair." It’s brutal, but it’s the truth of office politics.
How to actually manage the feelings
So, what do you do? You can't just quit your job tomorrow (most of us have bills), and you can't just "turn off" your heart.
Stop the digital stalking. Seriously. If you’re checking their Instagram at 11:00 PM to see what they’re doing with their partner, you’re fueling the fire. You need to create a digital "firewall." Unfollow, mute, or at the very least, stop the deep dives into their personal life.
Re-establish boundaries. If you’ve been doing "non-work" things—like grabbing drinks after hours or texting about non-work topics—you have to scale back. Keep it strictly professional. If they ask why you’re being distant, you don't have to confess your undying love. You can simply say, "I’ve been trying to focus more on my personal life and get a better work-life balance."
Humanize their partner. It’s easy to treat a spouse or partner like a faceless obstacle. They aren't. They are a person who deserves respect. Reminding yourself that your boss is a package deal with another human being can help cool the "fantasy" version of them you’ve built in your head.
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Look for the "Why." Often, an intense crush on a boss is a symptom of something missing in your own life. Are you lonely? Are you bored with your current tasks? Is this the first time someone in a position of power has truly "seen" your talent? Address the underlying need, and the crush might lose its power.
Reality check: The "Taken" boss rarely leaves
The movies tell us that the boss realizes their marriage is a sham and runs into your arms. In the real world? That almost never happens.
According to various studies on infidelity, most people who have workplace affairs stay with their original partners. They might enjoy the ego boost or the excitement of a workplace flirtation, but they aren't looking to blow up their lives. If you are waiting for them to choose you, you are likely putting your life on hold for a ghost.
Moving forward without losing your mind
If you’ve realized that being in love with my taken boss is hurting your mental health or your performance, it might be time for a change. Sometimes, the only way to break the spell is to remove the proximity.
Start looking for a internal transfer. If that’s not possible, start polishing your resume for an external move. It sounds drastic, but your peace of mind is worth more than a job where you’re constantly pining for someone you can’t have.
If you choose to stay, you have to commit to "Professional Detachment." Treat the boss like a piece of office equipment. Be polite, be efficient, but stop looking for the "soul" in the interaction.
Actionable Steps to Take Today:
- Audit your interactions: For the next three days, note every time you initiate a non-essential conversation with your boss. Try to cut that number in half by next week.
- Write a "Reality List": Write down the three most annoying things about your boss. Not the cute stuff—the stuff that actually bugs you. Read it whenever you feel the "limerence" kicking in.
- Invest in a "Third Space": Find a hobby, a class, or a social group entirely outside of work. You need a world where your boss doesn't exist.
- Update your LinkedIn: Not necessarily to quit, but to remind yourself that you have value and options outside of your current department.
- Practice the "3-Second Rule": When you feel a "moment" happening during eye contact, look away after three seconds. Don't linger. It breaks the tension.
The goal isn't to be a robot; it's to be a professional who values themselves enough not to settle for being someone’s "work secret" or their "office emotional support person." You deserve a relationship that can exist in the light of day.