It hits you at 3:00 AM. You’re staring at a glowing phone screen, re-reading a text that basically just says "yeah, sounds good," but you’re analyzing the syntax like it's a lost Shakespearean sonnet. Your heart is doing that weird thumpy thing. You’ve forgotten to eat lunch. Again.
I'm a woman in love and honestly, it feels a lot like being slightly high and incredibly anxious all at the same time.
That’s not just poetry; it’s neurobiology. When we talk about being "in love," we usually wrap it in pink clouds and Hallmark cards. But if you actually look at the data—the real, gritty, peer-reviewed stuff—it turns out that falling in love is more of a physiological takeover than a choice. Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist who has spent decades putting people in fMRI machines, famously found that the brains of people in the early stages of intense love look remarkably similar to the brains of people on cocaine.
The ventral tegmental area (VTA) starts screaming. It's the reward system. It's the part of you that wants, needs, and craves.
The Chemical Storm Nobody Warns You About
Most people think love is all about oxytocin. You’ve heard of it—the "cuddle hormone." While oxytocin is great for long-term bonding and that warm-and-fuzzy feeling you get after three years of marriage, it’s not the primary driver in those "I can't breathe" early months.
No, the early "I'm a woman in love" phase is a chaotic cocktail of dopamine and norepinephrine.
Dopamine is why you feel that rush of euphoria when they walk into the room. It’s the "hit." Norepinephrine is why your heart races and why you can stay up until dawn talking without feeling tired the next day. It’s basically natural speed. But here is the part that actually explains why you’re acting a little crazy: serotonin levels usually drop.
According to a landmark study by Dr. Donatella Marazziti at the University of Pisa, people in the early stages of romantic love have serotonin levels nearly identical to people diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD).
This is why you can’t stop thinking about them.
Your brain literally lacks the "stop" signal for those intrusive thoughts. You aren't "crazy." You're just chemically depleted of the stuff that helps you think about anything else. It’s a survival mechanism designed by evolution to keep you focused on one person long enough to, well, perpetuate the species.
Why We Lose Our "Self" in the Process
I was talking to a friend recently who said, "I'm a woman in love, but I feel like I'm disappearing."
It’s a common complaint. You stop seeing your friends as much. Your hobbies suddenly seem less interesting than whatever they are doing. If they like hiking, suddenly you’re at REI buying boots you’ll probably never wear again.
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Psychologists call this "self-expansion."
When we fall in love, our sense of self actually grows to include the other person’s traits, interests, and perspectives. Research by Arthur Aron at Stony Brook University shows that this isn't necessarily a bad thing—it’s how we form deep intimacy. The danger is when the expansion becomes an eclipse. If you've ever looked in the mirror and realized you don't know what you want for dinner because you're so focused on what they like, you've hit the eclipse phase.
It’s a weird tightrope.
The "Rose-Colored Glasses" are Real (Cognitive Biases)
Have you ever noticed how your friend’s new partner is clearly a walking red flag, but she thinks they're "just misunderstood"?
That’s positive illusion.
When you’re a woman in love, your prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for critical judgment and executive function—actually takes a nap. Deactivation happens in the amygdala and the posterior cingulate, which are parts of the brain that help us judge the intentions and character of others.
Basically, your brain's "BS detector" is unplugged.
Evolutionarily, this makes sense. If we saw everyone’s flaws clearly from day one, we’d probably never get past the second date. We need that temporary blindness to build enough of a bond to weather the storm when the flaws inevitably show up six months later.
The Difference Between Love and Limerence
A lot of people say "I'm a woman in love" when what they are actually experiencing is limerence.
The term was coined by Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s. Limerence is that obsessive, agonizingly intense state of longing. It’s characterized by an acute need for reciprocation. If they don't text back, your world ends. If they do, you're on top of the Everest.
Real love—the kind that lasts—is more of a slow burn. It’s companionate. It involves "inclusion of the other in the self" without the constant, vibrating anxiety of limerence.
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What No One Tells You About the Physical Toll
Love isn't just in your head. It’s in your gut. It’s in your immune system.
Stress hormones like cortisol spike during the early stages of falling in love. Your body is under a high-stress load. This is why some people lose weight (the "love diet") or find they can't sleep. Long-term, however, being in a secure, loving relationship has been shown to lower blood pressure and improve heart health. A study from the University of North Carolina found that women who received more frequent hugs from their partners had higher oxytocin levels and lower resting blood pressure.
But getting to that "calm" phase?
It takes work. And time. Usually about 18 to 30 months, which is when the honeymoon chemicals start to fade and the "real" relationship begins.
Navigating the Shift from "Me" to "Us"
If you're currently in the thick of it, the most important thing to remember is that you are still a sovereign individual.
It’s easy to let your identity dissolve into a puddle of "we."
"We love that show."
"We are thinking about moving."
"We don't really like spicy food."
Stop.
Maintain your separate friendships. Keep that Tuesday night pottery class even if he wants to hang out. The healthiest relationships are built by two whole people, not two halves trying to make a whole.
Recognizing Love Addicts vs. Real Connection
There is a dark side to the "I'm a woman in love" narrative. Some people are addicted to the rush of the chemical cocktail, not the person. These are the "serial monogamists" who bail the second the dopamine levels normalize and things get "boring."
Real intimacy is actually found in the "boring" parts.
It’s found in the way you navigate a grocery store together or how you handle a flat tire on a rainy Tuesday. If you find yourself constantly seeking the "high" and losing interest when the relationship becomes stable, it’s worth looking into your attachment style.
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Practical Steps for Keeping Your Sanity
So, you’re in love. You’re deep in it. How do you enjoy the ride without crashing the car?
The 48-Hour Rule. If you’re feeling an intense surge of emotion—whether it’s a desire to say "I love you" for the first time or a weird jealousy spike—wait 48 hours before acting on it. Let the chemicals settle. If you still feel that way on Thursday, talk about it then.
Audit Your Social Life. Look at your calendar. If 100% of your free time is going to your partner, you are over-indexing. Aim for an 80/20 split. Eighty percent of your "social" energy can go to the relationship, but twenty percent must be reserved for friends, family, and yourself.
Label the Feeling. When you feel that obsessive loop starting—wondering why they haven't called—literally say out loud: "This is just my low serotonin talking." It sounds silly, but labeling the physiological process helps detach your identity from the anxiety.
Watch the "Future-Tripping." It’s tempting to name your future children by the third date. Stop. Ground yourself in what is actually happening now. Do you like who they are today, or are you in love with the potential version of them you've created in your head?
Sleep. Seriously. Sleep deprivation mimics and exacerbates the anxiety of limerence. You cannot make good decisions about your heart if your brain is foggy from lack of REM cycles.
The Reality of the "Choice"
Being a woman in love is a beautiful, terrifying, biological hijacking. But eventually, the hormones will recede. The dopamine will level out. The "coke-brain" will fade.
And that’s actually the best part.
When the chemical fog lifts, you get to make a choice. You get to see the person for who they really are—flaws, weird habits, bad moods and all—and decide that they are worth the effort anyway. That’s not a "fall." That’s a climb.
Next Steps to Ground Yourself:
Take an inventory of your "pre-love" life. Write down three things you did for fun before you met this person. Schedule one of them this week—without them. Re-engaging with your independent self actually makes you more attractive and keeps the relationship dynamic healthy. Focus on the physical sensations in your body rather than the stories in your head to stay present and avoid the "what-if" anxiety spirals that often plague new romance.