Pain is loud, but freedom is usually pretty quiet. Most people expect healing to feel like a massive victory lap where the "hurt" part just evaporates into thin air. It doesn’t work that way. Honestly, the most authentic state of human recovery is captured in that specific, bittersweet realization: I’m a little bit hurt but a lot more free. It’s a messy, middle-ground reality that psychologists and trauma experts have been studying for decades under the umbrella of Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG).
You’ve probably been there. You leave a toxic job, end a relationship that was draining your soul, or finally set a boundary with a family member who treats you like a doormat. You feel lighter. You can breathe. But there’s still this dull ache in your chest when you see a certain photo or pass a specific exit on the highway. That’s the "hurt." And surprisingly, that lingering sting is often the very thing that secures your freedom.
The Science of Feeling Two Things at Once
Humans aren't built for binary emotions. We like to think we are—happy or sad, winning or losing—but the brain is far more sophisticated than a light switch. This state of being I'm a little bit hurt but a lot more free is what researchers call "emotional complexity" or "dialectical thinking."
Back in the 1990s, psychologists Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun developed the concept of Post-Traumatic Growth. They found that people who go through significant psychological shifts don't just "bounce back" to who they were before. They become someone else entirely. Their research suggests that the struggle itself is what creates the new, freer version of the self. You aren't free despite the hurt; you are free because you navigated through it.
Think about it like a bone that breaks and heals. The site of the fracture is often denser and stronger than it was before the injury. But if it’s raining or cold, you might still feel a twinge of pain in that spot. The strength and the sensitivity exist in the exact same space.
Why We Cling to the Hurt (Even When We’re Free)
It's tempting to think that if we still feel pain, we haven't actually moved on. That’s a lie.
Pain serves as a biological alarm system. When you say I'm a little bit hurt but a lot more free, the "hurt" part is your brain’s way of keeping the receipt. It’s a survival mechanism. It says, "Hey, remember how much that cost us? Let's not buy that again."
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If you weren't a little bit hurt, you’d be dangerous to yourself. You’d walk right back into the same fire.
Freedom, on the other hand, is about agency. It’s the ability to choose your next move without the crushing weight of the past dictating every step. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score, talks extensively about how trauma stays trapped in the nervous system. Recovery isn't about deleting the memory; it's about reorganizing the nervous system so that the memory no longer controls your physical state.
The Cost of the "Clean Break" Myth
Social media loves a "glow up." We see the "after" photos, the travel reels, and the inspirational quotes about leaving the past behind. What they don't show you is the Tuesday night when you're eating cereal over the sink and feeling a sudden, sharp pang of grief for a life you don't even want anymore.
When we chase a "clean break," we set ourselves up for failure. We think that if we feel a "little bit hurt," we must be doing it wrong. We’re not. We’re just being human.
The freedom comes in the moments between the hurt. It’s in the Saturday morning when you realize you haven't checked your ex's Instagram in three weeks. It’s in the work meeting where you state your opinion clearly, without that familiar knot of anxiety in your stomach.
Reclaiming Your Identity Outside of the Struggle
There is a specific kind of liberation that happens when you stop trying to be "fine."
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When you accept that you are I'm a little bit hurt but a lot more free, you stop performing for an audience. You stop trying to prove to the person who hurt you—or to yourself—that you’re totally over it.
Expert clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula, who specializes in recovery from narcissistic abuse, often notes that the final stage of healing isn't forgiveness or forgetting. It's "radical indifference." It’s the point where the person or situation that broke you becomes boring. You might still have the scars, and those scars might even itch sometimes, but they no longer define the shape of your day.
- Acknowledge the scar tissue. It's okay to admit that a certain experience changed you. You don't have to be the "old you" again. That person is gone, and the new version of you has way better boundaries.
- Measure freedom by your choices. Are you making decisions based on what you want, or based on what you're afraid of? If it's the former, you're free. Even if your hands are shaking while you make the choice.
- Stop the "healing" obsession. You can spend your whole life "healing" and forget to actually live. Sometimes, the best way to deal with the "little bit of hurt" is to take it for a walk. Take it to dinner. Let it sit in the passenger seat while you drive toward your new life.
The Paradox of Choice and Peace
Freedom is terrifying. That’s the part no one tells you.
When you were stuck—in that bad relationship, that dead-end job, that cycle of self-loathing—your choices were limited. You knew exactly what to expect. It was miserable, but it was predictable.
Stepping into the space where you are I'm a little bit hurt but a lot more free means you’re now responsible for your own joy. That’s a heavy lift. The "hurt" can sometimes feel like a safety blanket because it’s familiar. But the freedom? The freedom is a wide-open field.
It’s okay to feel a little bit of agoraphobia in that field.
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What Real Recovery Actually Looks Like
It looks like this:
- You hear a song that used to make you cry, and you still feel a little sad, but you don't change the station.
- You meet someone new and feel a spark, but you also feel a healthy bit of caution.
- You have a productive day, and for five whole minutes, you completely forget that the "event" ever happened.
- You realize that the "freedom" isn't the absence of the "hurt," but the presence of you.
Practical Steps to Navigate the "In-Between"
If you're currently in this phase, don't rush it. You can't fast-forward through the integration of your experiences.
Inventory your triggers. Don't run from them. If certain places or people make you feel that "hurt" flare-up, acknowledge it. Name it. "I feel a little hurt right now because this reminds me of when I wasn't free." Then, remind yourself of one thing you can do now that you couldn't do then.
Watch your language. Stop saying "I'm still struggling." Start saying "I'm integrating." It sounds like a corporate buzzword, but in psychology, integration is the goal. It's taking the painful pieces and the joyful pieces and making them fit into one coherent life story.
Focus on "The More." The phrase says you are "a lot more free." Lean into that "lot more." Spend time doing the things that were forbidden or discouraged in your past life. Buy the weird art. Go to the movie alone. Stay up late reading. Concrete actions reinforce the reality of your freedom to your nervous system.
The hurt is a souvenir of a war you survived. You don't have to display it on the mantel, but you don't have to throw it in the trash either. It’s just a thing you carry, and as you keep walking, it gets lighter. Not because the hurt gets smaller, but because your world gets bigger.
The most important thing to remember is that you are no longer in the cage. The door is open. You’ve already walked out. The fact that your feet are a little sore from the journey doesn't mean you're still trapped; it just means you've traveled a long way to get here.
Moving Forward
- Identify one boundary you’ve set recently that makes you feel "free" and write it down.
- Give yourself permission to feel a "sting" of pain without interpreting it as a relapse in your healing process.
- Engage in a "freedom ritual"—something as simple as taking a different route home or trying a new hobby—to physically signal to your brain that you are in control now.
By accepting the duality of being I'm a little bit hurt but a lot more free, you stop fighting yourself. You stop waiting for a "perfect" version of healing that doesn't exist. You start living in the version that does. It’s quieter here. It’s more honest. And honestly? It’s enough.