It is a thought that feels like a physical weight in your chest. You’re sitting in your room, or maybe driving home after a particularly brutal phone call, and it just flashes there: i wish my mom was dead. It’s immediate. It’s visceral. And for most people, it’s followed instantly by a wave of soul-crushing guilt that makes you feel like a monster.
But you aren't a monster. Honestly, you’re likely just someone who is completely out of emotional bandwidth.
This isn't a topic people talk about at dinner parties. We live in a culture that deifies motherhood. We’re told that the bond is sacred, unbreakable, and inherently "good." So, when that bond becomes a source of trauma, entrapment, or relentless emotional drainage, the brain looks for an exit strategy. Sometimes, that exit strategy manifests as a dark, intrusive wish for the relationship—and the person—to simply cease to exist.
The Psychology of the "Deadly" Wish
When someone says or thinks those words, they usually aren't plotting a crime. They’re expressing a desperate need for peace. Dr. Joshua Coleman, a psychologist and senior fellow at the Council on Contemporary Families, has spent decades looking at family estrangement and high-conflict dynamics. He often points out that the desire for a parent's death is frequently a "proxy wish." You don't necessarily want them to stop breathing; you want the pain they cause to stop breathing.
It’s about agency.
If you grew up with a narcissistic mother or a parent with untreated Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), your boundaries have likely been steamrolled for years. In these dynamics, the mother often views the child as an extension of herself rather than a separate human being. When you can’t escape that gravity well, the primitive part of your brain looks for the most permanent solution to the perceived threat. Death represents the only scenario where the phone stops ringing, the guilt-tripping ends, and the "walking on eggshells" finally stops.
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Why the Guilt is So Heavy
The "Mommy Myth" is a powerful thing. Sociologist Shari Thurer wrote about how our modern expectations of motherhood are actually quite new and incredibly suffocating. We expect mothers to be selfless, and in turn, we expect children to be eternally grateful. When you break that script by feeling intense resentment, society reacts with horror.
This creates a "double trauma." First, you have the original trauma of the dysfunctional relationship. Second, you have the trauma of being unable to talk about it because you're afraid people will think you're "evil." This isolation is where the thought i wish my mom was dead starts to fester. It becomes a secret shame that prevents you from seeking the actual mental health support you need to process the resentment.
Jennette McCurdy and the Breaking of the Taboo
We have to talk about Jennette McCurdy. Her 2022 memoir, I’m Glad My Mom Died, was a cultural earthquake for a reason. Before that book, saying you felt relief at a parent's passing was the ultimate social taboo. McCurdy detailed years of emotional and physical abuse, eating disorders, and career manipulation at the hands of her mother, Debra.
The title wasn't clickbait. It was a radical act of honesty.
McCurdy’s story gave a voice to millions of people who felt that same forbidden relief. She showed that it’s possible to acknowledge the "good" parts—the complexity of grief—while still being honest about the fact that your life got infinitely better once that person was no longer in it. It shifted the conversation from "how could you say that?" to "what must have happened to make you feel that?"
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Is it Intrusive Thinking or Genuine Hatred?
There is a big difference between an intrusive thought and a settled conviction.
- Intrusive Thoughts: These are ego-dystonic. That’s a fancy psych term meaning the thoughts are at odds with your actual values. You think, "I wish she was dead," and then you immediately feel sick or panicked. This is often a symptom of OCD or high-level anxiety. It’s your brain’s way of "stress-testing" the worst-case scenario.
- Burnout and Resentment: This is more "slow-burn." If you are a caregiver for an aging mother who was abusive to you as a child, you are living in a pressure cooker. The wish for it to be over is a natural reaction to an unsustainable situation.
- The Survival Mechanism: For those in active abuse, the wish is often a survival instinct. If the person who hurts you is gone, you are safe. That’s not malice; that’s biology.
Breaking the Cycle of Shame
So, what do you do when that thought pops up while you're standing in the grocery store?
First, stop trying to "not think it." There’s a psychological concept called ironic process theory—basically, the more you try to suppress a thought, the more it pops up. If you tell yourself "don't think about a pink elephant," you’re going to see a pink elephant. If you tell yourself "don't wish Mom was dead," you’re just reinforcing the loop.
Acknowledge the thought without judgment. "Okay, I'm feeling really trapped right now, and my brain is suggesting a permanent end to this stress." It de-escalates the emotion.
Real-World Steps to Manage the Feeling
If you are struggling with the intensity of these feelings, you need a strategy that goes beyond "just being positive."
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Physical and Emotional Distance
Low Contact (LC) or No Contact (NC) are valid choices. You don't have to wait for someone to die to start living your life. Many people find that once they implement a "No Contact" rule, the intrusive thoughts about death actually decrease. Why? Because the "threat" is no longer active in their daily lives.
Find Your "Non-Judgmental" People
This is crucial. You cannot talk about this with the "but she's your mother!" crowd. They will make it worse. You need a therapist who understands complex trauma (C-PTSD) or a support group where people understand that family isn't always a Hallmark card.
The "Caregiving" Reality Check
If you are the primary caregiver for a parent you dislike, the "death wish" is often just a symptom of extreme caregiver burnout. According to the Family Caregiver Alliance, caregivers of parents with dementia or personality disorders have significantly higher rates of depression and "death ideation" regarding their charges. You aren't a bad person; you're an exhausted one.
Journal the Rage
Write it down. All of it. The ugly, dark, "unacceptable" stuff. Get it out of your head and onto paper. When it stays in your head, it feels like an identity. When it’s on paper, it’s just words.
Actionable Insights for Moving Forward
If you find yourself stuck in a loop of wishing for the end of your mother's life, take these steps to reclaim your mental space:
- Audit the Trigger: Start tracking when the thought happens. Is it after a text? Before a holiday? Identifying the "who, what, and where" helps you see the thought as a reaction to a specific stressor rather than a permanent character flaw.
- Establish a "Safety" Boundary: If a 20-minute phone call leads to two days of wishing she were dead, cut the call to 5 minutes. Or switch to text only. Protect your peace at the cost of her "feelings" if necessary.
- Reframe the Relief: Acknowledge that you are seeking relief, not murder. Say it out loud: "I am seeking relief from this pain." It changes the narrative from being a "killer" to being a "survivor."
- Seek Specialized Therapy: Look for therapists who list "Family Estrangement," "Narcissistic Abuse," or "Internal Family Systems (IFS)" as their specialties. IFS is particularly helpful because it allows you to talk to the "part" of you that is angry without letting that part run your whole life.
The thought i wish my mom was dead is a heavy one, but it doesn't have to be a death sentence for your own mental health. It is a signal. It’s a flare being sent up by a part of you that is drowning. Listen to the signal, address the underlying drowning, and the flare will eventually stop appearing. You deserve to live a life that isn't defined by the presence—or the absence—of your mother.
Focus on building a "chosen family" that provides the safety you didn't get. Invest in your own nervous system regulation. Learn to breathe through the guilt until it thins out and disappears. You aren't alone in this, even if it feels like the loneliest thought in the world.