It is a weird, hollow feeling. You know the one. You’re staring at a gym bag, a half-finished novel, or even a person you’re supposed to be in love with, and you just... don't feel it. You want to want it. You really do. But the internal engine is cold. The phrase i want to want me—or rather, wanting to want something—is a psychological loop that millions of people get trapped in every single year. It’s not just laziness. Honestly, it’s usually a sign of a deeper "motivation mismatch" that most self-help gurus completely ignore because they’re too busy telling you to just "grind harder."
Sometimes the lack of desire is a protective mechanism. Your brain is essentially pulling the emergency brake because it thinks you’re heading for a cliff. Or maybe you're just burnt out.
The Psychology Behind "I Want to Want Me"
When we say we want to want something, we’re experiencing a conflict between our ideal self and our actual self. Dr. Edward Tory Higgins, a professor of psychology at Columbia University, calls this the Self-Discrepancy Theory. Basically, you have a vision of who you "should" be (the person who wants to eat kale and wake up at 5:00 AM), but your actual self is currently exhausted and wants a nap.
This gap creates massive internal friction. You aren’t just failing to do the task; you’re failing to even feel the desire to do the task. That’s a double whammy of guilt. It’s heavy.
Why the Spark Dies
Why does the "want" disappear in the first place? It’s rarely about a lack of willpower.
- Anhedonia: This is a core symptom of depression where you literally lose the ability to feel pleasure from things you used to love. If you’re thinking i want to want me in the context of your own life and hobbies, and everything feels gray, this might be a clinical issue rather than a "mindset" issue.
- Decision Fatigue: You’ve made 4,000 choices today. By 6:00 PM, your brain has no "want" left.
- The "Should" Trap: Often, we try to force ourselves to want things because society, or our parents, or Instagram influencers told us we should. You don't actually want to be a marathon runner; you just want the identity of someone who is disciplined.
When This Phrases Hits the Charts (Literally)
We can't talk about this phrase without acknowledging how it’s been cemented in pop culture. Jason Derulo’s 2015 hit "I Want to Want Me" turned this complex psychological state into a high-energy pop anthem. But if you look at the lyrics, it’s about the frantic, almost obsessive desire for someone else to feel the same way you do. It’s about the chase.
In the song, the upbeat tempo masks a bit of desperation. It’s that feeling of being "locked out of heaven," so to speak. Music often captures these nuances better than a textbook can. Whether it’s Derulo or an indie ballad, the sentiment remains: there is a profound ache in the space between having a desire and forcing one.
💡 You might also like: Resistance Bands Workout: Why Your Gym Memberships Are Feeling Extra Expensive Lately
The Neurological Component: Dopamine vs. Opioids
Neuroscience gives us a pretty clear picture of what’s happening in the brain. There is a massive difference between "wanting" (incentive salience) and "liking" (hedonic impact).
Dr. Kent Berridge at the University of Michigan has done incredible work on this. He discovered that dopamine is primarily responsible for the "wanting"—the drive to seek out a reward. But "liking"—the actual pleasure of the reward—is controlled by different systems, like the mu-opioid receptors.
When you say i want to want me or want to want a goal, your dopamine system might be misfiring. You’ve lost the "seeking" drive. You might still "like" the idea of being fit or successful, but the "wanting" mechanism is broken. You’re essentially a car with a shiny exterior but no spark plugs.
The Role of Cortisol
Stress is a desire killer. When your cortisol levels are chronically high, your brain shifts into survival mode. Survival mode doesn't care about your "want" to learn Italian or start a side hustle. It cares about keeping you alive until tomorrow. If you’re feeling a lack of desire, check your stress levels first. You can’t "want" your way out of physiological exhaustion.
Breaking the Loop: How to Reconnect
If you're stuck in this cycle, the worst thing you can do is try to "white knuckle" it. You can't command a feeling to appear. That’s like standing over a plant and screaming "GROW!" at it. You have to change the environment instead.
1. Stop the "Shoulding"
Every time you say "I should want to do this," you’re creating shame. Shame is a terrible fuel for motivation. It’s heavy and sticky. Try replacing "should" with "could."
📖 Related: Core Fitness Adjustable Dumbbell Weight Set: Why These Specific Weights Are Still Topping the Charts
"I could go for a walk."
"I could work on my project."
It sounds small, but it restores your sense of agency. You’re no longer a victim of your own expectations.
2. Lower the Bar to the Floor
If you want to want to exercise, don't aim for an hour at the gym. Aim for putting on your shoes. That’s it. Often, the "want" appears after we start, not before. This is what psychologists call "action-preceding motivation." We’ve been lied to; we think we need to feel inspired to act, but usually, we need to act to feel inspired.
3. Audit Your Inputs
Look at your social media feed. Is it full of people living "perfect" lives that make you feel like your own desires are inadequate? If you’re constantly measuring your "want" against someone else’s highlight reel, you’re going to feel paralyzed.
The Social Aspect: Wanting to Want Others
In relationships, the i want to want me feeling is particularly painful. This often manifests as "I love this person, but I’m not in love with them." You want to feel that fire again, but the pilot light is out.
Relationship experts like Esther Perel often talk about the tension between security and desire. Sometimes, we lose the "want" because we’ve become too comfortable. Desire requires a bit of distance, a bit of mystery. If you're struggling to want your partner, it might not be a lack of love. It might be a lack of autonomy or "otherness" in the relationship.
👉 See also: Why Doing Leg Lifts on a Pull Up Bar is Harder Than You Think
Is it Burnout or Something More?
We live in a culture that treats humans like machines. We expect ourselves to have 100% "want" capacity at all times. But humans are seasonal. There are winters in our lives where we just need to hibernate.
If you've been pushing yourself for years without a break, your lack of desire isn't a flaw. It’s a signal. Your body is telling you that it’s done. Listen to it. Sometimes the best way to get your "want" back is to stop trying to find it for a while.
Real-World Examples of the "Wanting" Shift
Take the case of a professional athlete who suddenly retires. For twenty years, their "want" was clear: win. When that’s gone, they often face a massive identity crisis. They want to want something new, but nothing tastes like winning did.
Or consider the "Gifted Kid Burnout" phenomenon. Kids who were told they were "special" often grow up to be adults who feel they should be doing something world-changing. When they find themselves in a regular 9-to-5, they feel a crushing sense of i want to want me—wanting to be that high-achiever again—but they’re physically unable to summon the energy.
Actionable Steps to Finding Your "Want" Again
You aren't going to fix this overnight. It took time to lose the spark; it’ll take time to find the embers.
- Practice "Micro-Desires": Throughout the day, ask yourself, "What is one thing I actually want right now?" It could be as small as a glass of cold water or five minutes of silence. Rebuild the muscle of listening to your own impulses.
- Check Your Bloodwork: Seriously. Low Vitamin D, B12, or iron can make you feel like a ghost. If your body doesn't have the chemical resources to create energy, you won't feel desire.
- The 5-Minute Rule: Tell yourself you will do the thing you "want to want" for exactly five minutes. If you want to stop after five minutes, you are legally allowed to stop. Usually, once the blood starts moving, the desire follows.
- Talk to a Pro: If the feeling of "nothingness" persists for more than a few weeks, see a therapist. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) are great for untangling these knots.
- Disconnect to Reconnect: Turn off the phone. The constant stream of other people's desires (commercials, posts, trends) drowns out your own quiet internal voice.
The feeling of i want to want me is a bridge. It means you haven't given up yet. You still care enough to want to care. That, in itself, is a tiny spark. Don't blow it out with self-criticism. Feed it with a little bit of patience and a lot of grace. Stop trying to force the engine to turn over and check to see if there's any fuel in the tank first. Sometimes, the most productive thing you can do is just sit still until the "want" naturally returns. It usually does, once the pressure is off.