You’re sitting on the couch, three years into a stable relationship, and suddenly it hits you while they’re just scrolling through their phone. That weird, fluttery, slightly anxious flip-flop in your chest. It’s annoying. You might even think to yourself, i should be over the butterflies by now. We’ve been told for decades that the "honeymoon phase" has a biological expiration date—usually somewhere around the eighteen-month mark when the dopamine floodgates supposedly start to creak shut.
But biology is rarely that tidy.
The idea that butterflies are reserved for first dates and awkward teenage fumbling is a massive oversimplification of how human attachment actually works. In fact, if you’re still feeling that spark after the "new car smell" of the relationship has faded, you aren’t failing at being a stable adult. You're likely experiencing a cocktail of intermittent reinforcement, deep intimacy, and perhaps a bit of healthy relational uncertainty. It’s a lot to unpack.
Why the "Expiration Date" on Romance is Mostly a Myth
Most people point to the work of psychologists like Dorothy Tennov, who coined the term "limerence" in the late 1970s. Limerence is that obsessive, all-consuming stage of early love. It’s the stage where you can’t eat, can’t sleep, and your brain is basically a high-speed rail for phenylethylamine (PEA). Tennov suggested this lasts between eighteen months and three years.
But here’s the thing.
Recent neurobiological research, including studies by Dr. Helen Fisher at Rutgers University, has shown that long-term couples—people married for twenty years or more—can actually show the same brain activity in the ventral tegmental area (the reward center) as people who just fell in love. When these people look at photos of their partners, their brains light up with the same dopamine-rich intensity.
So, if you’re thinking i should be over the butterflies, you might be holding yourself to a standard of "boredom" that isn't actually a requirement for a healthy marriage or partnership. Sometimes, the butterflies stay because the person still surprises you. Or, more interestingly, because the relationship maintains a certain level of "novelty" even within the routine.
The Stress-Butterflies Connection
Let’s get real for a second. Sometimes those flutters aren’t "ooh, I love them so much." Sometimes they’re "oh no, am I safe?"
There is a fine line between romantic excitement and the "fight or flight" response. The physical sensation is nearly identical: a tingling in the stomach caused by blood being diverted away from the digestive system and toward the muscles. It’s adrenaline. If you find yourself thinking i should be over the butterflies because the sensation feels more like a knot of anxiety than a light flutter, it’s worth looking at the attachment style at play.
- Anxious Attachment: You might feel butterflies every time they pull away or don't text back. That’s not romance; that’s your nervous system reacting to a perceived threat of abandonment.
- Intermittent Reinforcement: This is the "gambling" effect. If your partner is hot and cold, the moments when they are "hot" feel incredibly intense—like a jackpot. You get the butterflies because you’re relieved, not necessarily because you’re in a healthy flow.
- The "Safety" Spark: Conversely, some people feel a rush of butterflies when they finally feel seen. If you grew up in a house where you had to hide your true self, a partner who truly "gets" you can trigger a physical reaction every time they offer deep validation.
Is It Possible to Be "Too" Stable?
We live in a culture that prizes "the spark" above almost everything else, yet we also crave the "security" of a long-term bond. These two things are often at odds. Esther Perel, a well-known psychotherapist and author of Mating in Captivity, talks extensively about this paradox. She argues that for desire to exist, there needs to be a gap between two people.
If you are "too close"—if you do everything together, share every thought, and never have a separate life—the butterflies die because there’s no mystery left.
So, if you’re still feeling them, it might be because you’ve successfully maintained your own identity. You see your partner as an individual, not just an extension of yourself. When you see them across a room at a party, or watch them do something they’re incredibly good at, that "gap" creates a moment of rediscovery. You realize, "Oh, that person is separate from me, and they’re amazing."
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Boom. Butterflies.
Dealing with the Guilt of Continued Excitement
It sounds weird, but some people feel guilty about it. They think that being "over the butterflies" is a sign of a mature, "evolved" relationship. They think the goal is a calm, flat lake of companionship.
Honestly? That sounds a little boring.
There’s a misconception that if you still have that physical reaction, the relationship is "unstable" or "dramatic." While that can be true in toxic dynamics, in a healthy one, it’s just a sign of high-intensity emotional resonance. It’s okay to still get a little nervous before a big date night, even if you’ve been together for five years. It’s okay to feel a rush when they walk through the door after a business trip.
You don't need to "fix" your excitement.
Breaking Down the Physical Sensation
What is actually happening in your body? It’s not your heart; it’s your gut. The enteric nervous system (often called the "second brain") is incredibly sensitive to emotional shifts. When you experience a surge of oxytocin or dopamine, your gut reacts.
- The Vagus Nerve: This is the highway between your brain and your organs. When you feel a strong emotion, the vagus nerve carries that signal straight to your stomach.
- Cortisol Spikes: Even "good" stress (eustress) like being in love causes a tiny spike in cortisol. This is why you might feel a little "on edge" during those peak romantic moments.
- The Mirror Neuron System: When you see your partner smile, your brain literally mimics the sensation, creating a feedback loop of positive physical energy.
What to Do If the Butterflies Feel Wrong
If the thought i should be over the butterflies is coming from a place of exhaustion rather than joy, it’s time to audit the relationship. Ask yourself these questions:
- Do the butterflies happen when I’m worried I’ve done something wrong?
- Do they feel like "butterflies" or do they feel like a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach?
- Does the sensation disappear the moment I feel "secure," only to return when things get rocky?
If the answer is yes, you might be dealing with a "trauma bond" or an unstable dynamic where the butterflies are actually a warning system. In a healthy relationship, these feelings should be an "add-on" to your security, not a replacement for it.
Practical Steps for Managing (or Rekindling) the Spark
If you’re in a spot where the butterflies are gone and you want them back, or if you have them and want to make sure they stay healthy, here is how you navigate that.
Stop Being "One" Person
Spend a weekend apart. Go do a hobby your partner has zero interest in. When you come back together, you actually have something to talk about. The butterflies need room to fly; if the cage is too small, they die.
Change the Environment
Novelty is the quickest way to trigger dopamine. If you always eat dinner at the table, go for a picnic. If you always watch movies, go to a rock-climbing gym. When your brain processes a new environment, it associates the "newness" with the person you’re with.
The "Six-Second Hug"
Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher on marriage stability, recommends a six-second hug. It’s long enough to trigger oxytocin and calm the "anxious" butterflies, turning them into "secure" butterflies. It’s a physical reset for your relationship.
Look at Them Through Someone Else’s Eyes
Watch your partner interact with a stranger or perform a task they’re an expert in. Seeing them in their "element" reminds you of their value outside of their relationship to you. This "re-objectification" (in a positive sense) is a huge spark-generator.
Ultimately, the phrase i should be over the butterflies is a byproduct of a society that thinks love has to be either "crazy and toxic" or "boring and stable." It doesn't. You can have the mortgage, the kids, the shared Google Calendar, and still feel that weird, wonderful flip in your chest when they look at you a certain way.
Don't overthink the physiology. If the relationship is healthy and the flutters are there, just enjoy the ride. It’s a lot better than the alternative.
Moving Forward With Your Feelings
If you're currently experiencing this, start by identifying the "flavor" of your butterflies. Is it excitement or is it apprehension? Once you know, you can stop judging yourself for not having a "boring" relationship.
Pay attention to the timing. If they happen during moments of connection, lean into it. If they happen during moments of conflict, focus on building more "security" through open communication about your needs. You don't need to "get over" a physical manifestation of your affection unless it's standing in the way of your peace of mind. Check in with your partner too—they might be feeling the exact same thing and wondering why they haven't "grown out of it" either.