You’ve felt it. That weird, jittery moment in a conversation where the small talk dies and you’re just staring at someone across a coffee table or a screen. You think to yourself, i really want to know you, but the bridge between "how’s work?" and "what actually keeps you up at night?" feels like a mile long. It’s a universal itch. We’re more connected than any humans in history, yet we’re often just trading highlights.
Real intimacy is hard.
It’s not just about asking questions. It’s about the vulnerability of being the one to ask them first. When someone says i really want to know you, they aren't usually asking for a resume or a list of your favorite movies. They are asking for the map to your internal world.
The Wall of Performance
Social media has messed us up. We spend all day "curating" a version of ourselves that is polished and palatable. So, when we meet someone new—or even when we’re sitting with a partner of five years—we often default to the script. The script is safe. The script doesn’t get rejected.
But the script is also boring as hell.
Psychologists often point to the concept of the "Johari Window." It’s a framework used to understand our relationship with ourselves and others. There’s the "Open" quadrant—stuff everyone knows. Then there’s the "Hidden" quadrant—the things you know about yourself but keep tucked away. When you say i really want to know you, you’re basically asking for a tour of that hidden room.
It takes guts.
Dr. Arthur Aron, a researcher at Stony Brook University, famously developed a set of 36 questions designed to accelerate intimacy. You might have seen the "36 Questions to Fall in Love" article in The New York Times a few years back. The magic wasn’t in the specific words. It was in the reciprocal self-disclosure. You give a little, they give a little. The stakes get higher. The "i really want to know you" phase moves from a vague desire to a tangible shared reality.
Why Shallow Talk Kills Relationships
Honestly? Small talk is a necessary evil, but staying there is a death sentence for any meaningful bond. If you’re stuck discussing the weather or the latest Netflix trend, you aren’t building a foundation. You’re just treading water.
Research published in Psychological Science suggests that people who engage in more "substantive" conversations tend to be happier. It’s not just about being "deep" for the sake of it. It’s about feeling seen. When you tell someone, "I’m struggling with my confidence lately," and they don’t run away, your brain gets a hit of oxytocin. You feel safe.
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If you're sitting there thinking, i really want to know you about someone in your life, you have to be willing to go first. You can't demand depth from someone else while you're standing on the shore with your life jacket on.
Breaking the Ice Without Being Weird
You can't just walk up to a stranger and ask about their childhood trauma. That’s a fast track to a restraining order.
Instead, look for the "hooks."
A hook is a small piece of information someone drops that isn't strictly necessary for the conversation. If someone says, "Work was fine, but I'm glad to be home because my dog was acting weird," the "work" part is the script. The "dog acting weird" is the hook. A person who genuinely wants to know someone follows the hook.
"What's your dog's name? Does he usually get anxious?"
Boom. You're in.
The Fear of Being Known
Let's be real: being known is terrifying.
What if they find out I’m actually kind of a mess? What if my "deepest thoughts" are actually just insecurities I haven’t dealt with? This is the paradox of i really want to know you. We crave the connection, but we fear the judgment that comes with it.
Brené Brown, who basically became the world’s foremost expert on this, argues that vulnerability is the only way through. You cannot have connection without the risk of being misunderstood. If you want to know someone—and I mean really, truly know them—you have to accept that they might see the parts of you that aren't "Instagram-ready."
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And that’s okay. In fact, it's better than okay. It's the only way to feel less lonely.
Moving Past the Surface
If you are at the stage where you’re thinking i really want to know you regarding a specific person, stop waiting for them to open up. People are like locked doors that can only be opened from the inside. But you can knock.
Ask 'How' and 'Why', not 'What'. "What do you do for a living?" is a dead end.
"How did you end up in that career?" or "Why does that work matter to you?" opens a door.Wait for the silence. In our culture, we hate silence. We fill it with "um" and "so anyway." Try sitting in the quiet for three seconds after someone finishes speaking. Often, they’ll add a "bonus" thought that is much more interesting than their initial answer.
Admit you're interested. There is something incredibly disarming about someone saying, "I’ve really enjoyed talking to you and I’d love to actually hear more about how you think." It’s a compliment. It shows you aren't just waiting for your turn to talk.
Listen for the subtext. Sometimes what a person doesn't talk about tells you more than what they do. If they avoid talking about their family, or if they light up only when talking about a specific hobby, pay attention. That’s where the "real" person lives.
The Role of Digital Intimacy
We have to talk about texting.
Can you really know someone through a blue bubble? Sorta. But it’s limited. Texting is great for logistics and "checking in," but it lacks the non-verbal cues—the pupil dilation, the slight shift in tone, the micro-expressions—that tell us if someone is being honest.
If you find yourself saying i really want to know you to someone you’ve only ever messaged, get on a call. Go for a walk. Digital connection is the appetizer; face-to-face is the main course. You can't skip the meal and expect to be full.
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Active Steps to Deepen Connection
Stop overthinking it and just do it.
Start by auditing your current conversations. Are you asking the same three questions every time you see your best friend? "How's the job? How's the partner? Seen any good shows?"
Try a "pattern interrupt."
Next time you're out, ask: "What's something you've changed your mind about lately?" or "What’s a project you’re working on that actually makes you excited?"
It’ll feel clunky at first. You might get a weird look. But more often than not, the other person will look relieved. They’re probably bored of the script too.
The phrase i really want to know you shouldn't just be a thought in your head. It should be the mission statement for your relationships. We are all walking mysteries, and the greatest gift you can give someone is the genuine curiosity to solve them.
Pay attention to the stories people tell about themselves. Are they the hero? The victim? The bystander? These narratives reveal the "internal working model" of their personality. When you start seeing these patterns, you aren't just hearing words—you're seeing the architecture of their soul. It sounds dramatic, but it's true.
Move toward the discomfort. Ask the follow-up question. Shared vulnerability is the only currency that matters in a world full of superficial transactions.
To truly know someone, you must first be willing to be known. Stop hiding behind the "I'm good, you?" defense mechanism. The next time someone asks how you are, tell them the truth—even if it's just a 5% more honest version than usual. That 5% is where the magic happens.