Ever had that moment where your brain just... clicks? You’re arguing with someone, maybe getting a bit heated, and then they say something that makes your internal gears grind to a halt. You realize they aren't just wrong. They’re looking at a completely different map. That specific phrase—i never thought of it that way—is more than just a polite concession in a debate. It’s actually a rare biological event. It is the sound of a neural pathway being forced to pave a new road in real-time.
Most of us spend our days inside an "echo chamber of one." We think we’re being objective, but we’re usually just reinforcing what we already believed. Cognitive scientists call this confirmation bias, but that’s a dry way of saying we’re stubborn. When you actually find yourself saying you've never thought of something a certain way, you’ve hit a moment of cognitive friction that actually overcame your brain's natural laziness. It’s a big deal.
Honestly, we don't do it enough. We live in a culture that treats "changing your mind" as a sign of weakness or intellectual flimsiness. But if you never have those moments where your perspective shifts, you’re basically just a static statue in a moving world.
Why "I Never Thought of It That Way" Is So Rare Now
Why is it so hard to get to that "aha" moment lately? Part of it is the sheer volume of information. We’re drowning in data but starving for actual insight.
Mónica Guzmán, a Senior Fellow at Braver Angels and author of the book literally titled after this phrase, argues that our biggest problem isn't a lack of information. It’s a lack of curiosity. We approach conversations as if they are games to be won rather than mysteries to be solved. When you enter a discussion with the goal of "winning," your brain locks down. You aren't listening for new perspectives; you're listening for "tells" or weaknesses in the other person's logic so you can pounce.
Social media makes this worse. The algorithms are literally designed to ensure you never have to say i never thought of it that way. They feed you the most digestible, agreeable version of the world. When you do see an opposing view, it's usually the most extreme, "straw-man" version of that view, designed to make you angry rather than curious.
The Biology of Perspective Shifting
When you encounter an idea that contradicts your worldview, your amygdala—the lizard brain responsible for the "fight or flight" response—often fires up. Your brain perceives a threat to your identity as if it were a physical threat. That's why your face gets hot during an argument.
To get to a place where you can genuinely see another angle, you have to engage the prefrontal cortex. This is the part of the brain responsible for complex thinking and empathy. It takes effort. It’s "expensive" in terms of metabolic energy. Most people just stay in the amygdala because it’s faster and feels safer.
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True perspective shifting requires a state of "intellectual humility." Researchers at Duke University found that people with high intellectual humility are better at evaluating evidence and less likely to take it personally when they’re proven wrong. They don't see an "i never thought of it that way" moment as a defeat. They see it as an upgrade.
The Power of the "Under-Question"
If you want to experience more of these breakthroughs, you have to change how you ask questions. Most of us ask "why" questions. "Why do you believe that?" "Why would you support that?"
"Why" is an interrogation. It puts people on the defensive.
Experts in mediation and high-stakes negotiation, like Chris Voss, suggest moving toward "How" or "What" questions. "How did you come to that conclusion?" "What was the experience that shaped that view for you?" These are open-ended. They invite the other person to tell a story rather than defend a position. When they tell a story, they provide context. And context is usually where the i never thought of it that way realizations are hiding.
The Problem With "Common Sense"
We often lean on "common sense" as a shield. But common sense is just a collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen, as Einstein famously (and accurately) noted.
Take the concept of "work ethic." One person sees a coworker who leaves at exactly 5:00 PM as "uncommitted." That's their common sense. But if they talk to that coworker, they might find out that person is a caregiver for an elderly parent and has optimized their entire day to be 20% more efficient than everyone else so they can make it home. Suddenly, the "uncommitted" worker is actually the "most disciplined" worker.
The facts didn't change. The perspective did.
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Case Study: The 1993 Silver Spring Bridge Incident
Sometimes, these shifts happen on a massive, societal scale. In the early 90s, there was a huge debate in a Maryland suburb about a pedestrian bridge. Half the community wanted it to help kids get to school; the other half saw it as a "pathway for crime" from "other" neighborhoods. It was a deadlock.
It wasn't until a mediator asked both sides to describe what "safety" looked like that the shift happened. The pro-bridge side realized the anti-bridge side wasn't just being "racist" or "mean"—they were genuinely afraid of rising crime rates they didn't understand. The anti-bridge side realized the parents weren't just "entitled"—they were terrified of their kids crossing a six-lane highway.
They eventually found a solution involving better lighting and specific gate hours. They moved past the "Yes/No" binary. They reached a point where both sides could say, "Okay, I see the fear you're dealing with now. I hadn't looked at it through that lens."
How to Force Your Own Brain to Expand
You don't have to wait for someone to convince you. You can actively hunt for these moments. It's actually a pretty great way to keep your brain sharp as you age.
- The "Steel-Manning" Technique: This is the opposite of straw-manning. Instead of attacking the weakest version of an argument, try to build the strongest possible version of your opponent's side. If you can't argue their side as well as they can, you don't actually understand the issue yet.
- The Rule of Three: Don't settle for two sides of a story. There are almost always three. Or twelve. When you find yourself stuck in a "this or that" choice, stop. Ask: "What is the third option I’m missing because I’m too busy picking a side?"
- Check Your "Certainty Meter": If you feel 100% certain about something complex (politics, relationships, economics), you’re probably missing something. Try to lower your certainty to 80% and leave a 20% gap for "things I don't know I don't know."
The Social Benefits of Admitting You Were Wrong
There is a weird social paradox here. We think people will respect us less if we admit we didn't think of something. We want to be the "expert."
But in reality, people trust those who are capable of being persuaded. It shows you're a rational actor, not a programmed bot. Saying "i never thought of it that way" is actually one of the fastest ways to de-escalate a conflict and build rapport. It signals to the other person that you are actually listening, which is a rare gift in the 2020s.
It's also the hallmark of great leadership. The best CEOs and managers aren't the ones with all the answers; they're the ones who are the most "coachable." They look for the gaps in their own thinking.
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Why This Matters for the Future
As AI becomes more integrated into our lives, the ability to think "differently" is going to be the only thing that keeps humans relevant. Computers are great at logic and pattern recognition. They are terrible at the kind of messy, emotional, "left-field" perspective shifts that happen during a deep human conversation.
The phrase i never thought of it that way is a uniquely human experience. It requires a mix of logic, empathy, and the ability to imagine a reality that isn't your own.
Actionable Steps for Better Perspective
If you’re feeling stuck or polarized, here is how you can practically apply this:
- Seek out "The Gray": Next time you read a news story that makes you angry, don't look for a rebuttal. Look for the "why" behind the people you disagree with. Not the "why" you've assigned them (e.g., "they're stupid"), but the "why" they would give themselves.
- Audit Your Circles: Look at your social media feed. If everyone you follow agrees with you, you are in a cognitive trap. Follow one person who is smart, articulate, and completely disagrees with your worldview. Read them not to argue, but to understand their internal logic.
- Practice the "Pause": When someone says something that sounds "crazy" to you, wait five seconds before responding. Ask yourself: "What would have to be true for this person to believe that?"
- Use the Magic Phrase: Literally say the words. "I never thought of it that way." Watch how the energy in the room changes. It’s like a release valve for tension.
Changing your mind isn't about losing an argument. It's about gaining a more accurate view of the world. The world is too big to see from just one standing point. Move around. Look from the basement. Look from the roof. You’ll be surprised at how much you’ve been missing.
Stop trying to be right and start trying to be less wrong. The former is a dead end; the latter is a lifelong journey that actually leads somewhere.
Next Steps for Deepening Your Perspective:
- The 5-Why Audit: Take a core belief you hold. Ask "why" you believe it. Then ask "why" to that answer. Do this five times. You’ll often find that your beliefs are built on a foundation of "because that's what I've always heard," which opens the door for new thinking.
- Active Listening Exercises: In your next conversation, try to summarize the other person's point of view to their satisfaction before you state your own. Say, "So what I hear you saying is X, Y, and Z. Is that right?" Don't move on until they say "Yes."
- Diversify Your Information Diet: Use tools like AllSides or Ground News to see how the same story is framed across the political spectrum. Noticing the framing is the first step toward saying i never thought of it that way.