It’s a gut punch. You’re sitting on the couch, maybe the TV is humming in the background, and your partner drops the line that feels like a glitch in the Matrix. "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." It sounds like a riddle. It’s a paradox that makes zero sense when you first hear it because how can you have one without the other? But for therapists, this isn't a mystery. It’s a specific, documented psychological state that thousands of couples hit every single year.
Honestly, it’s one of the most honest things a person can say, even if it feels like they’re ripping your heart out through your chest.
Most people think this phrase is just a cowardly way of saying "I want to break up." Sometimes it is. But often, it's a cry for help or a description of a chemical shift in the brain that nobody warned us about in high school. When the "in love" part vanishes, the spark, the urgency, and the sexual magnetism go with it. What’s left is a deep, platonic affection that feels more like being roommates or siblings than romantic partners.
The Chemistry of Disconnection
We have to talk about dopamine. When you first start dating, your brain is basically a pharmacy on fire. You’re flooded with dopamine and norepinephrine. This is the "limerence" phase, a term coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in 1979. It’s that obsessive, can’t-eat, can’t-sleep stage. But the brain isn't designed to stay in that high-stress state forever. It’s exhausting. Eventually, the cocktail shifts toward oxytocin and vasopressin—the "bonding" chemicals.
When someone says i love you but i'm not in love with you, they are essentially saying that the oxytocin is still there, but the dopamine has completely flatlined.
Andrew G. Marshall, a renowned marital therapist and author who literally wrote the book on this specific phrase, argues that this isn't the end of the road. It's a transition. He suggests that many people mistake the end of the "honeymoon phase" for the end of the relationship itself. They feel the drop in intensity and assume the love is dead. In reality, they’ve just reached the point where the relationship requires conscious effort rather than involuntary chemical reactions.
It’s scary.
You look at this person who knows all your secrets, who you've built a life with, and you realize you’d rather check your email than kiss them. That’s a lonely place to be. It’s even lonelier for the person on the receiving end who is still very much "in love" and now feels like they’re living in a one-sided ghost story.
Is This Just a Polite Way to Dump Someone?
Let's be real for a second. Sometimes this phrase is a soft landing for a hard exit. If someone has already checked out mentally, has a foot out the door, or is perhaps involved with someone else, they use this line because it’s hard to argue with. You can’t force someone to feel "in love." It’s the ultimate "it’s not you, it’s me" defense.
📖 Related: The Betta Fish in Vase with Plant Setup: Why Your Fish Is Probably Miserable
But if you look at the work of Dr. John Gottman and the Gottman Institute, they find that "emotional disengagement" is often the result of years of "turning away" from a partner’s bids for connection.
A bid is just a tiny gesture. You point at a bird outside. You sigh. You ask a question. If your partner ignores you or snaps at you repeatedly over five years, the "in love" feeling erodes. It doesn't die in a single explosion. It’s death by a thousand papercuts. By the time someone says they aren't in love anymore, they’ve usually been feeling disconnected for months or even years. They kept it inside until the pressure became unbearable.
The Warning Signs You Missed
- You stopped fighting entirely. Conflict is a sign of engagement; silence is a sign of indifference.
- The "Companionate" trap. You're great at co-parenting or managing the mortgage, but you haven't had a real conversation about your dreams in two years.
- The thought of them touching you feels "heavy" or intrusive rather than welcoming.
- You find yourself daydreaming about a "reset" button—not with a specific new person, but just a life where you're alone and free.
Why We Stop Being "In Love"
Life gets in the way. It sounds cliché because it’s true.
Kids, career stress, aging parents, and the sheer monotony of deciding what to have for dinner every night for 4,000 nights in a row kills romance. Romance thrives on mystery and "the other." When you know exactly how your partner brushes their teeth and which socks they’re going to wear, the mystery is gone.
There's also the "Over-Functioning" dynamic. If one partner is doing all the emotional labor—planning the dates, managing the social calendar, remembering the birthdays—they eventually burn out. It is nearly impossible to feel "in love" with someone you feel like you have to manage or mother.
Resentment is the ultimate romance killer. You can love someone deeply—meaning you care about their well-being and want them to be happy—while simultaneously resenting them so much that the "in love" feeling is buried under a mountain of bitterness.
The Marshall Method: Can You Get the Feeling Back?
Andrew G. Marshall suggests that you can actually move back from "I love you" to "I am in love with you." It’s not about recreating the first three months of dating. That’s impossible. You can't un-know someone. Instead, it’s about creating a "new" relationship with the same person.
He focuses on something he calls the "The Five Stages of a Relationship." Most people get stuck in the third stage (Power Struggle) and never make it to the fourth (Dead Zone), which is where the i love you but i'm not in love with you sentiment usually lives. To get past it, you have to stop being "nice" and start being "honest."
👉 See also: Why the Siege of Vienna 1683 Still Echoes in European History Today
Ironically, being too "nice"—avoiding conflict to keep the peace—is often what kills the passion. Passion needs a bit of friction. If you’re constantly self-censoring to avoid upsetting your partner, you’re also dampening your own emotional intensity. You become a flattened version of yourself. And it’s hard to be in love with a cardboard cutout.
Real Talk About Sex
We have to address the bedroom. Usually, when the "in love" feeling goes, the sex life is the first thing to hit the floor. It becomes mechanical or non-existent.
Expert Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity, talks about the tension between security and adventure. We want our partners to be our best friends and our anchors (security), but we also want them to be exciting and unpredictable (adventure). The problem is that these two needs are often in direct opposition. To feel "in love" again, you have to reintroduce a sense of "otherness." You have to see your partner as an individual again, not just an extension of your household needs.
The Reality Check: When It’s Actually Over
Not every relationship can be saved. Sometimes, the "not in love" part is a permanent state.
If you’ve tried the therapy, the date nights, the honest conversations, and the "in love" feeling hasn't flickered back to life after six months of genuine effort, you might be facing a fundamental incompatibility. Or perhaps the damage done during the years of disconnection is too deep to repair.
It’s okay to acknowledge that.
Some people are meant to be in our lives for a season. You can have a "successful" relationship that ends. Success doesn't always mean "until death do us part." Sometimes success means you raised great kids together, supported each other through hard times, and then realized you had finished your journey together.
But don’t pull the trigger too fast.
✨ Don't miss: Why the Blue Jordan 13 Retro Still Dominates the Streets
The "in love" feeling is a fickle beast. It comes and goes. Ask any couple who has been married for 50 years, and they will tell you there were years—not days, years—where they didn't particularly "like" each other, let alone feel "in love." They stayed because of the "I love you" part, trusting that the "in love" part would eventually cycle back around. And usually, if both people are willing to do the work, it does.
What to Do Right Now
If you are the one who said it, or the one who heard it, the clock is ticking, but it’s not midnight yet.
First, stop the "pursuit and withdraw" cycle. If one person is begging for affection and the other is running away, the gap only widens. The person who is "not in love" needs space to miss their partner. The person who is "in love" needs to focus on their own life for a bit—hobbies, friends, fitness—to regain their own sense of "otherness."
Second, look at the "Bids for Connection." Start noticing when your partner reaches out, even in tiny ways, and turn toward them. If they mention a headline they read, look up from your phone and engage. It sounds small. It is small. But it’s the foundation.
Third, get a third party involved. A therapist isn't just there to help you talk; they’re there to help you translate. Often, the "not in love" partner is saying things that the "in love" partner literally cannot hear because they are in a state of panic.
Actionable Steps for the Next 30 Days
- Implement the "20-Minute Rule": Spend 20 minutes a day talking about anything except work, kids, or chores. Talk about ideas, memories, or even the news.
- Physical Touch Without Agenda: Try holding hands or hugging without the expectation that it must lead to sex. Rebuilding the "safety" of touch is crucial.
- The Curiosity Exercise: Act as if you are a journalist interviewing your partner. Ask questions you haven't asked in years. "What’s your biggest fear right now?" "If you could change one thing about your daily routine, what would it be?"
- Own Your Part: Instead of blaming the other person for the lack of "spark," ask yourself: "How have I contributed to the wall between us?"
The phrase i love you but i'm not in love with you is a crossroads. It’s the moment where the "auto-pilot" version of your relationship dies. What comes next—whether it’s a conscious uncoupling or a deeper, more mature second marriage to the same person—is entirely dependent on whether you're willing to stop mourning the past and start building something different.
The spark isn't something you "find" like a lost set of keys. It’s something you build, stick by stick, through vulnerability and the terrifying decision to be truly seen again.