It is the dirty little secret of family life. You’re sitting at a holiday dinner, watching your brother smirk while he tells the same tired story that makes you look like an idiot, or maybe you’re just staring at a text from your sister that drips with passive-aggression. In that moment, the thought hits you with the force of a freight train: I hate my siblings. The guilt follows immediately. It’s heavy. We are told from birth that blood is thicker than water and that these people are our "built-in best friends." But what if they aren't? What if they are actually the primary source of your stress, anxiety, or even trauma? Honestly, if you are feeling this way, you aren't a monster. You're just experiencing a very real, very documented psychological phenomenon.
The Myth of the "Built-In Best Friend"
Society pushes this narrative of the inseparable sibling bond. We see it in commercials, movies, and those nauseating Instagram posts. But the reality is often messier. Dr. Joshua Coleman, a psychologist and senior fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families, has spent years researching family estrangement. He notes that sibling relationships are unique because they are forced. You didn't choose these people. You were thrown into a high-stakes environment—the home—and told to share everything from toys to parental love.
Competition is baked into the DNA of the relationship. In many cases, saying "I hate my siblings" is just a shorthand for "I am exhausted by a lifetime of forced proximity with someone who doesn't respect my boundaries." It’s a reaction to a specific dynamic, not necessarily a lack of "love" in the abstract sense.
Why the Friction Happens (And Why It Sticks)
Why does it hurt so much more when a sibling treats you poorly compared to a random coworker? It’s the history. You have a shared map of every vulnerability you’ve ever had.
If your sibling was the "golden child" and you were the "scapegoat," those roles don't just disappear when you turn eighteen. They crystallize. Research into Sibling Roles suggests that parents often unconsciously assign identities to their children to keep the family system stable. One is the achiever, one is the rebel, one is the caregiver. If you feel trapped in a version of yourself that is twenty years out of date every time you talk to your brother or sister, resentment is a natural byproduct.
The Impact of Parent-Child Dynamics
Terri Apter, a psychologist at Newnham College, Cambridge, has written extensively about how sibling rivalry is often a proxy war for parental attention. Even in adulthood, if a parent favors one child—whether through financial help, emotional support, or just plain old praise—the other siblings feel it. It’s a primal sting.
Sometimes, the hatred isn't even about the sibling. It’s about the parent who allowed the sibling to bully you. Or the parent who constantly compares you. You might find yourself thinking "I hate my siblings" because they represent a system that never felt fair to you.
When It Crosses the Line into Toxicity
There is a big difference between "my brother is annoying" and "my brother is a toxic influence on my life."
We need to talk about Sibling Abuse. It is frequently dismissed as "just kids being kids," but it can leave scars that last a lifetime. According to the Journal of Interpersonal Violence, sibling aggression is the most common form of family violence, yet it’s the least talked about. If your sibling was physically, emotionally, or sexually abusive growing up, your "hatred" isn't a character flaw. It is a protective mechanism. It is your brain's way of saying, Stay away from this person; they are not safe.
Narcissism and Personality Disorders
Sometimes, you hate your sibling because they are legitimately difficult people to be around. If you have a sibling with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), the relationship is likely a one-way street. You provide the support; they provide the drama. In these cases, the hatred you feel is often just "empathy fatigue." You’ve run out of ways to excuse their behavior.
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The Guilt Trap and Cultural Pressure
The pressure to "make it work" is immense. This is especially true in cultures that emphasize collectivism or "family first" ideologies. You might feel like you’re betraying your entire heritage by admitting you don't like your sister.
But here is a hard truth: You are allowed to have preferences. You are allowed to dislike people who happen to share your DNA. We don't expect people to be best friends with their cousins or their second-great-uncles, yet the sibling bond is treated as sacred and unbreakable.
The "Familiarity Breeds Contempt" Reality
You know them too well. You know the way they chew, the way they lie to get out of things, and the way they manipulate your mom. That level of intimacy, when not paired with mutual respect, is a recipe for intense dislike. It’s hard to admire someone when you’ve seen them at their absolute worst for three decades.
Is There a Way Forward?
Maybe. But "forward" doesn't always mean a tearful reconciliation at Thanksgiving.
For some, the answer is Low Contact. This means you show up for the big stuff—weddings, funerals, maybe a quick text on birthdays—but you don't share your personal life with them. You treat them like a distant acquaintance. You stop expecting them to be the brother or sister you wish you had and start dealing with the one you actually have.
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For others, No Contact is the only way to preserve their mental health. If the relationship is characterized by active abuse, gaslighting, or extreme toxicity, walking away is a valid choice. Dr. Karl Pillemer’s research at Cornell University on family estrangement found that while it is painful, many people feel a profound sense of relief once they stop trying to fix an unfixable relationship.
Navigating the "I Hate My Siblings" Feeling
If you're currently in the thick of this, here are some ways to handle the emotional fallout:
- Audit the triggers. Pay attention to exactly when the feeling of "hate" flares up. Is it when they talk about money? When they criticize your parenting? When they bring up the past? Identifying the specific behavior helps you set targeted boundaries.
- Stop the "Comparison Game." This is hard, but stop looking at how they are doing compared to you. Their life is not a benchmark for yours.
- Acknowledge the Grief. Even if you hate them, you are likely grieving the idea of the sibling you wanted. It’s okay to be sad about that loss while still choosing to keep your distance.
- Shift the Focus. Invest your emotional energy into your "chosen family"—the friends and partners who actually show up for you.
Actionable Steps for Your Mental Health
You cannot change your sibling. You can only change your reaction to them.
First, set an internal boundary. Decide right now that you will no longer engage in the same old arguments. If they start their usual routine, you leave the room or hang up the phone. You don't need to explain why; you just do it.
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Second, seek a third-party perspective. A therapist who specializes in family systems can help you untangle what is "yours" and what is "theirs." Often, we carry around the baggage of our siblings’ opinions of us as if they are facts. They aren't.
Third, practice radical acceptance. They might always be this way. They might never apologize. They might never see your side of things. Once you truly accept that they are unlikely to change, the "hate" often morphs into a more manageable "indifference." Indifference is actually the goal. Hate takes energy; indifference is peaceful.
Finally, give yourself permission to be done. If the relationship brings nothing but pain, you are not obligated to maintain it just because you share a childhood home. Your primary responsibility is to your own peace of mind.