It starts with a whisper in the back of your mind while you're scraping dried macaroni off a high chair. Then, it grows. You’re standing in a park, surrounded by other parents who seem to be glowing, and you realize you’d rather be anywhere else. Literally anywhere. A cubicle. A dentist’s chair. A solo flight to a city where nobody knows your name. You think to yourself, "i hate being a mother," and the guilt that follows is enough to make you feel like a monster.
But you aren't a monster. Honestly, you're just a person caught in a systemic trap that rarely gets discussed without a layer of "blessed" hashtags.
Regretting motherhood is one of the last true taboos. People talk about postpartum depression, sure. They talk about being "tired." But admitting that the entire role of parenting—the daily grind, the loss of identity, the relentless noise—is something you actively dislike? That’s different. It feels like a betrayal of nature. Yet, sociology and psychology tell a much more complex story about why this feeling is actually a rational response to an irrational set of expectations.
The Reality Behind the Taboo
Sociologist Orna Donath blew the doors off this conversation with her study Regretting Motherhood. She interviewed women who loved their children but, if given a "reset" button, would choose not to become parents again. This distinction is vital. You can love the human you created with every fiber of your soul and still absolutely loathe the job of being a mother.
We’ve conflated the child with the labor.
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When someone says they hate being a mother, they usually mean they hate the performance of motherhood. They hate the "mental load"—that invisible tally of who needs new shoes, when the library books are due, and why the toddler only eats crustless bread on Tuesdays. For many, the "village" we’re told about doesn't exist. It’s just one woman in a house trying to do the work that historically required a dozen people.
Why "I Hate Being a Mother" Isn't Just "Baby Blues"
Clinical psychologists often look for Postpartum Depression (PPD) or Anxiety (PPA) when a mother expresses dissatisfaction. These are real, biological conditions. However, "motherhood regret" is often structural rather than purely clinical. If you’re miserable because you have no sleep, no money, no career autonomy, and no support, that’s not a chemical imbalance. It’s a logical reaction to a miserable environment.
Consider the "Intensity Gap." Modern parenting requires more hours of direct interaction and "enrichment" than it did in the 1960s, even though more mothers work outside the home now. We are doing more with less help. It’s exhausting. It’s boring. It’s okay to say it sucks.
The Loss of the "Pre-Mom" Self
There’s this weird thing that happens where your name basically disappears. You become "Leo’s Mom" or "The Parent." Your hobbies? Gone. Your ability to think a single, uninterrupted thought? Vaporized.
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Many women who struggle with these feelings were high-achievers or fiercely independent before kids. Suddenly, your success is measured by how well a tiny person (who has no impulse control) behaves in public. It’s a massive demotion in terms of autonomy. Dr. Sophie Brock, a motherhood sociologist, often discusses "The Perfect Mother Myth." This is the cultural idea that a "good" mother is selfless, always happy, and finds total fulfillment in wiping noses.
When you don’t feel that fulfillment, you feel broken. You aren't. You’re just a person who values things other than caretaking, and that's actually a good thing for your child to see eventually.
The Role of Sensory Overload
Let’s talk about the "overstimulated" mom.
The house is never quiet. Someone is touching you. Someone is crying. The TV is playing a high-pitched cartoon. The dog is barking.
For people with sensory processing sensitivities, motherhood can feel like a 24/7 assault on the nervous system. When you say you hate being a mother, it might just be your brain screaming for five minutes of silence. It’s hard to feel "maternal" when your fight-or-flight response is triggered by a sticky hand on your yoga pants.
How to Exist When You Feel This Way
So, what do you actually do? You can’t exactly return the kids. And "self-care" (usually code for a 10-minute bath while someone screams outside the door) isn't the answer.
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Burn the Script. Stop trying to be the "fun mom" or the "Pinterest mom." If you hate playing blocks, don't play blocks. Find the version of parenting that is the least painful for you. If that means more screen time so you can read a book and feel human, do it.
Radical Honesty. Find your people. Not the "everything is a blessing" people. Find the moms who swear and admit they’re counting down the minutes until bedtime. Realizing you aren't alone is the only thing that kills the shame.
Reclaim an Identity (Even a Tiny One). You need something that has zero to do with your children. A job, a gym class, a weird obsession with 19th-century history. Anything that reminds you that "Mother" is a title, not your entire soul.
Audit the Labor. If you have a partner, sit down and use a tool like the Fair Play deck by Eve Rodsky. Most of the time, the "hatred" is actually resentment toward a partner who gets to maintain their old life while yours was nuked.
Actionable Steps for Survival
If you are in the thick of it right now, here is how you move forward without losing your mind:
- Acknowledge the feeling without judgment. Say it out loud: "I hate this right now." Saying it takes away its power. It doesn't mean you're going to leave; it just means you're acknowledging your reality.
- Identify the "Trigger Hours." If 5:00 PM to 7:00 PM (the "witching hour") makes you want to bolt, change the routine entirely. Order pizza. Go for a drive. Lower the bar until it's on the floor.
- Seek "Identity-First" Therapy. Look for a therapist who understands matrescence—the transition into motherhood—as a developmental shift, not just someone who checks for depression symptoms.
- Stop the Comparison Loop. Delete Instagram if you have to. Seeing curated lives makes your raw, unfiltered reality feel worse than it is.
Motherhood is a job. For some, it’s a dream job. For others, it’s a grueling, low-paying, high-stress position they were pressured into by a society that doesn't provide a safety net. Feeling regret or intense dislike for the role doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a human being who is tired of carrying the weight of an impossible standard. Focus on the relationship with the child, and let go of the "role" of the mother. They are two very different things.