We've all said it. Or at least thought it while staring down someone giving us unsolicited advice about our diet, our career, or how we should spend our Saturday nights. I can do what i want. It’s a gut reaction. It’s primal. It’s also one of the most misunderstood psychological triggers in human behavior.
Most people think this mindset is just about being stubborn or acting like a rebellious teenager. It isn't. Not really. It’s actually tied to a deeply studied psychological phenomenon called Psychological Reactance. When we feel our freedom is being threatened, our brains go into a bit of a defensive crouch. We want to reclaim that lost territory. So, we double down. We do the exact thing we were told not to do, just to prove that we still hold the remote control to our own lives.
The Science of "Because I Said So"
Back in the 1960s, a researcher named Jack Brehm started looking into why people get so defensive when they feel coerced. He developed the Theory of Psychological Reactance. Basically, he found that when a person's "free behaviors" are threatened, they experience an unpleasant emotional state.
They get annoyed. They feel a loss of control.
To fix that feeling, they often perform the forbidden behavior with even more intensity. It’s why "No Smoking" signs in certain contexts actually made people want a cigarette more, or why telling someone they "must" vote for a specific candidate can backfire spectacularly. Honestly, the phrase i can do what i want is just the verbal manifestation of your brain trying to protect its sovereignty.
We need to feel like the authors of our own stories. Without that sense of agency, we start to feel like cogs. That leads to burnout, resentment, and eventually, a complete breakdown of motivation.
The Autonomy Gap in Modern Work
Let’s look at the office. Or the home office. Or wherever you happen to be grinding out 40+ hours a week.
Micromanagement is the ultimate killer of the i can do what i want spirit. When a manager hovers over your shoulder—literally or digitally via Slack—they aren't just checking on your work. They are chipping away at your autonomy.
Self-Determination Theory, pioneered by Edward Deci and Richard Ryan at the University of Rochester, highlights "autonomy" as one of the three core human needs, right alongside competence and relatedness. If you don't feel like you have a choice in how you execute your tasks, your intrinsic motivation dies. You’re just a robot at that point.
Kinda makes sense why "quiet quitting" became such a huge trend, right? People weren't just being lazy. They were asserting a boundary. They were saying, in a very hushed way, that they were reclaiming their time and energy.
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Why It Feels So Good to Be "Bad"
There is a certain rush that comes with defiance.
Think about the last time you stayed up until 3:00 AM watching a show you didn't even like that much, just because you knew you had to be up early for a meeting. You knew it was a bad idea. Your body was tired. But your brain was screaming, "I’m an adult and I can do what I want!"
That’s called Bedtime Procrastination.
It’s a way for people who have very little control over their daytime lives to seize back some power at night. Even if it hurts them the next day, the psychological win of "choosing" feels better than the physical loss of sleep. It’s a trade-off. We prioritize the feeling of freedom over the reality of health.
Is it logical? No. Is it human? Absolutely.
The Dark Side: When Autonomy Becomes Isolation
There is a flip side to this. Sometimes, the "I can do what I want" mantra turns into a wall that keeps people out.
When we use our autonomy as a weapon to ignore valid feedback or to hurt people around us, we’re moving away from healthy independence and toward something called "hyper-independence." This is often a trauma response. If you’ve been let down by people in the past, you decide that you’re the only one who gets a vote. You stop listening. You stop collaborating.
True autonomy isn't about being a lone wolf. It’s about having the power to choose to collaborate.
If you're doing something just to spite someone else, you're actually not free. You're still being controlled by them—you're just being controlled in the opposite direction. If I tell you not to jump in a puddle, and you jump in it just to spite me, I’m still the one who decided you were going to get wet. You didn't choose to jump; you chose to react.
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How to Actually Do What You Want (Productively)
So, how do we harness this feeling without blowing up our lives or our relationships?
It starts with identifying where you actually have leverage.
- Audit your "Shoulds." Look at your daily to-do list. How many of those items are there because you actually want them there, and how many are "shoulds" imposed by society, parents, or that one person on Instagram you don't even like?
- Reframe the obligation. Instead of saying "I have to go to the gym," try saying "I’m choosing to go to the gym because I want to feel stronger." It sounds like a stupid semantic trick, but it actually lowers psychological reactance. It reminds your brain that you are the boss.
- Set "Micro-Boundaries." If you feel overwhelmed by people demanding your time, start small. Say no to one minor thing. Reclaiming that tiny bit of space can satisfy the i can do what i want urge before it turns into a massive, life-altering outburst.
- Identify the trigger. When you feel that heat in your chest because someone told you what to do, stop. Ask yourself: am I mad at the advice, or am I mad that they think they have the right to give it?
Often, the advice is actually good. We just hate the delivery.
The Cultural Shift Toward Agency
We are living in an era where the "standard path" is crumbling. The 9-to-5 until you’re 65, the suburban house, the specific milestones—they aren't the only options anymore.
The creator economy, remote work, and the "solopreneur" movement are all fueled by the desire to do what we want. People are willing to take a pay cut if it means they don't have to ask permission to go to the dentist. We are valuing time and agency over titles and prestige.
That’s a massive shift. It’s a collective realization that life is too short to live by someone else's playbook.
Making It Work in Relationships
In a marriage or a long-term partnership, "I can do what I want" is usually the start of a fight.
But it doesn't have to be. Healthy relationships require "Differentiation." This is a term used in family systems therapy to describe the ability to be connected to others while still maintaining a clear sense of self.
You need to be able to have your own hobbies, your own friends, and your own opinions. When partners try to merge into one single entity, reactance kicks in. One person starts feeling suffocated, and suddenly they’re staying out late or making big purchases without consulting the other, just to feel like an individual again.
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If you give each other the space to be individuals, the urge to rebel disappears.
Actionable Steps for Reclaiming Your Autonomy
If you feel like you've lost your sense of agency, don't just quit your job or move to a different country tomorrow. That’s the "reactance" talking. Instead, take a structured approach to building a life where you actually can do what you want.
Analyze your "Freedom Budget."
Look at your week and find the blocks of time where you truly have no choice—work, commuting, basic chores. Now, look at the gaps. Are you filling those gaps with what you want, or are you just scrolling mindlessly? Freedom requires intentionality. If you don't decide what to do with your free time, the algorithms will decide for you.
Practice "Strategic Defiance."
Start saying no to small, low-stakes invitations. This builds the "no" muscle. It reminds you that the world doesn't end when you set a boundary. It’s training for the bigger moments when you need to stand your ground on things that actually matter.
Change the Internal Narrative.
Shift your language from "I can't" to "I don't." Research published in the Journal of Consumer Research shows that saying "I don't eat sugar" is much more effective than saying "I can't eat sugar." Why? Because "I don't" is an empowered choice. "I can't" implies an outside force is stopping you.
Recognize the Cost of Every Choice.
Every time you say "I can do what I want," acknowledge the price tag. You can stay up all night, but the price is a headache tomorrow. You can quit your job, but the price is financial uncertainty. When you accept the cost, the choice becomes a real act of freedom rather than an impulsive reaction.
Ultimately, the goal isn't just to do whatever you want in a vacuum. It’s to build a life where your actions align with your values. That’s where the real power is. It’s not about rebellion; it’s about alignment. When you reach that point, you don't even have to say the phrase anymore—you’re just living it.
Your Next Moves
- Identify one area where you feel most controlled (work, health, relationship).
- Find one tiny choice you can make in that area today that is 100% yours.
- Observe the feeling of making that choice without seeking approval.
- Evaluate if your rebellion is actually serving your long-term goals or just scratching a temporary itch.
- Communicate your need for autonomy to the people in your life using "I" statements rather than "You" accusations.
True freedom isn't the absence of responsibility; it's the ability to choose which responsibilities you take on. Start choosing.