It’s a heavy, sticky feeling that sits in the pit of your stomach. You’re lying in bed at 2:00 AM, replaying a conversation from three years ago where you were slightly too blunt with a coworker, and suddenly the thought hits you like a physical weight: I always thought I might be bad. Not just "I did a bad thing," but a fundamental, core-level suspicion that you are a "bad person."
Maybe you feel like a fraud. You do nice things, sure, but you worry you only do them because you want people to like you, which in your head makes the kindness "fake." This isn't just a fleeting moment of guilt; for many, it’s a chronic state of being. It’s a quiet, persistent hum of moral inadequacy.
Here’s the weird part. Genuinely "bad" people—those with clinical antisocial personality traits or high scores on the "Dark Tetrad"—rarely spend their Tuesday nights agonising over whether they are secretly villains. They just... move through the world. If you are deeply worried about your moral compass, it’s usually a sign that your compass is actually hyper-calibrated. You’re over-indexing on your mistakes because you value goodness so much.
The Psychology Behind the "I Always Thought I Might Be Bad" Narrative
Why do we do this to ourselves? Psychology suggests a few different origins for this specific flavor of existential dread. One of the most common is a phenomenon called Moral Scrupulosity, often linked to Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), though it can exist on a spectrum for anyone.
Scrupulosity is essentially "moral perfectionism." It’s the pathological need to be certain that you haven’t sinned or caused harm. When you can’t get 100% certainty—because, let’s be real, life is messy—your brain fills the gap with the worst possible conclusion.
Then there’s the "Inner Critic." This isn't just a voice; it's a structural part of our psyche often formed in childhood. If you grew up in an environment where mistakes were treated as character flaws rather than learning moments, you might have internalised the idea that failure equals "badness." Dr. Gabor Maté often discusses how children would rather believe they are "bad" than believe their parents are "unreliable." Believing you are the problem gives you a sense of control; if you’re the bad one, you can theoretically fix yourself to earn love.
Imposter Syndrome vs. Moral Imposterism
We talk about imposter syndrome in the workplace all the time. You think you're going to be "found out" as a mediocre employee. But moral imposterism is much deeper. It’s the fear that if people really knew your thoughts—the intrusive ones, the selfish ones, the angry ones—they’d be disgusted.
Honestly, everyone has a "basement" in their mind. Having a dark thought doesn't make you a dark person. It makes you a person with a prefrontal cortex capable of simulation.
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Breaking Down the "Badness" Myth
Let’s look at what actually constitutes being a "bad person." In clinical terms, researchers like Dr. Delroy Paulhus have studied the "Dark Triad": narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy. These traits are defined by a lack of empathy and a willingness to exploit others for personal gain without remorse.
If you’re reading this and feeling a sense of relief because you do feel empathy, that’s your first clue.
The Role of Intent vs. Impact
We live in a culture that often collapses the distance between intent and impact. While it’s true that you can hurt someone without meaning to, the "I always thought I might be bad" internal monologue usually focuses entirely on the intent.
You might think: I stayed late to help Sarah, but I only did it because I wanted my boss to see me helping. I'm a manipulative person. A more realistic perspective? Humans are biologically wired for "prosocial behavior" that also benefits the self. It’s called reciprocal altruism. Doing something good because it feels good or helps your reputation isn't "bad"—it’s how our species survived. Evolution didn't want us to be selfless martyrs; it wanted us to be cooperative.
When Moral Anxiety Becomes a Loop
For some, the thought i always thought i might be bad isn't just a passing cloud—it's the whole weather system. This is where we get into the territory of "Moral OCD" or "Pure O."
In these cases, the person experiences intrusive thoughts that challenge their core values. For example, a deeply kind person might have a sudden, terrifying thought about hurting someone. Because they are so kind, this thought is horrifying. They then "check" themselves: Why did I think that? Does that mean I want to do it? Am I a monster?
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This checking is the trap. The more you try to prove you aren't bad, the more you focus on the possibility that you might be. It’s like trying not to think of a pink elephant.
Real-World Examples of Moral Distortion
Consider the "L’Esprit de l’Escalier" (the wit of the staircase), but for morality. You leave a party and spend the drive home picking apart everything you said.
- "I talked about myself too much. I'm a narcissist."
- "I didn't ask enough questions. I'm cold."
- "I laughed at that joke that was slightly mean. I'm a bully."
These are micro-judgments. We apply a level of scrutiny to ourselves that we would never apply to a friend. If your friend talked about themselves for ten minutes, you’d probably just think they were excited or had a lot on their mind. You wouldn't diagnose them as fundamentally "bad."
Navigating the "Badness" Narrative: Practical Steps
If you’ve been living with the conviction that you’re secretly a bad person, you can’t just "stop" thinking it. It’s a neural pathway that has been reinforced over years. But you can build new ones.
1. The "Friend Test" (With a Twist)
Don't just ask "Would I say this to a friend?" Ask "If a friend did exactly what I did, would I think they were a bad person?" Usually, the answer is "No, I'd think they were human."
2. Differentiate Between Guilt and Shame
Guilt is "I did something bad." It’s actually a healthy emotion because it leads to repair. Shame is "I am bad." Shame is corrosive. It doesn't lead to better behavior; it leads to withdrawal and more secrecy. When the thought "I always thought I might be bad" pops up, rephrase it. Ask: "What specific action am I feeling guilty about?" If there isn't one, you're dealing with shame, not reality.
3. Embrace the "Gray"
The desire to be "good" is often a desire for "purity." But humans aren't pure. We are messy, contradictory, and occasionally selfish. You can be a person who forgets birthdays, loses their temper, and looks for external validation, while also being a person who cares deeply, works hard, and tries to do the right thing. These things coexist.
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4. Radical Self-Disclosure
This is a technique used in various forms of therapy. Usually, we keep our "badness" a secret because we think it will destroy our relationships. But when you actually tell a trusted friend or therapist, "I’m worried I’m a bad person because [X]," the secret loses its power. Almost 100% of the time, the other person will say, "Wait, you too? I thought I was the only one."
Moving Toward Moral Neutrality
Maybe the goal isn't to prove you're a "good person." Maybe the goal is to accept that you're a "person."
The binary of Good vs. Bad is an exhausting way to live. It keeps you in a state of hyper-vigilance. When you move toward moral neutrality, you give yourself permission to make mistakes. And ironically, when you aren't terrified of being "bad," you actually have more emotional energy to do "good."
Fear is a terrible motivator for morality. It makes you rigid. Compassion—for yourself and others—is what actually creates a kinder world.
The next time that voice whispers that you've always been bad, try talking back to it. Tell it that you’re busy being a human being, which is a complicated enough job as it is.
Next Steps for Calming Moral Anxiety:
- Identify your triggers: Keep a note of when the "bad" feeling hits. Is it after social interactions? When you're tired? Identifying patterns helps de-personalize the feeling.
- Practice "Internal Family Systems" (IFS): View the part of you that thinks you're "bad" as a protector that's trying to keep you from making mistakes. Thank it for trying to help, but let it know it's overreacting.
- Limit "Moral Outrage" Media: If you're prone to scrupulosity, spending too much time on social media platforms where everyone is constantly being "cancelled" or judged can exacerbate your internal fears. Take a break from the judgment-heavy parts of the internet.
- Engage in Value-Based Action: Instead of trying to feel good, focus on acting in accordance with your values. If you value kindness, do something kind. The action matters more than the internal monologue.
You aren't a secret villain waiting to be unmasked. You're just someone who cares enough to worry—and that’s a pretty good place to start.
Evidence and References:
- The Myth of Normal by Dr. Gabor Maté (Exploring childhood roots of shame).
- The Dark Triad of Personality (Paulhus & Williams, 2002).
- Research on Moral Scrupulosity and OCD from the International OCD Foundation.
- Studies on Prosocial Behavior and Reciprocal Altruism from Evolutionary Psychology journals.