Preparation matters. Most people treat the idea of bottoming like a "jump in and hope for the best" situation, which is basically a recipe for a bad night and a lot of muscle tension. It’s not just about "doing it." It’s about teaching a very specific, very stubborn set of muscles that they are actually allowed to relax. If you’ve ever wondered why things feel "blocked" or just plain uncomfortable, it’s usually because the external and internal anal sphincters are doing their job a little too well. They protect you. To have an actually good experience, you have to convince them to stand down.
Let's be real: your body isn't naturally inclined to let things in that way. The rectum is designed to move things out. Training isn't just about physical stretching; it’s a neurological recalibration. You're training your brain to stop sending "danger" signals when it feels pressure.
Why how to train for anal sex starts with your brain
Relaxation isn't just a vibe. It's physiological. The anus is surrounded by two main muscles: the external sphincter, which you can control (like when you’re "holding it" on a long car ride), and the internal sphincter, which is involuntary. You can't consciously tell the internal one to open. It only relaxes when it feels safe and when the surrounding tissues aren't under duress. This is why people who are nervous almost always have a painful experience. Their body is literally locked shut.
Start with your environment. If you’re worried about roommates hearing you or if you’re rushing before a date, your pelvic floor is going to be tight. Dr. Evan Goldstein, a surgeon who specializes in anal health at Bespoke Surgical, often points out that the "mind-body connection" is nowhere more apparent than in the pelvic floor. You need to be in a space where you can breathe deeply. Diaphragmatic breathing—the kind where your belly expands rather than your chest—actually physically drops and relaxes the pelvic floor muscles. Try it right now. Inhale, let your belly go soft, and feel that slight "heavy" sensation in your seat. That’s the starting line.
The hygiene hurdle
Look, the "mess" factor is the number one reason people stay tense. If you're constantly worried about an accident, you won't relax. Training involves getting comfortable with your own anatomy. You don't need a full internal flush every time, but for many, a simple saline douche or a high-fiber diet (think psyllium husk) provides the mental security needed to actually focus on the sensations.
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Fiber is your best friend here. It keeps things "swept out" naturally. If you're consistent with fiber, you'll find that the "clean-up" is mostly a non-issue. But don't over-clean. Scrubbing the area with harsh soaps or over-douching can strip the natural mucosal lining, making the skin prone to micro-tears, also known as fissures. Water is usually enough.
The incremental approach to stretching
You wouldn't try to run a marathon without hitting the treadmill first. Same logic applies here. Training should happen over days or weeks, not twenty minutes before your partner arrives.
- Start with a finger. Yours. Not someone else's. You have the best feedback loop with your own body. Use a generous amount of water-based or silicone-based lubricant. Avoid anything with "tingle" or "numbing" agents. Numbing is dangerous because it masks pain—and pain is your body’s way of saying "stop before you tear something."
- The "Push Out" Technique. This sounds counterintuitive, but when you're first inserting anything, gently bear down as if you're having a bowel movement. This action naturally relaxes the external sphincter and makes the initial entry much smoother.
- Butt Plugs and Trainers. Once a finger feels like nothing, move to a small toy. Wearable plugs are great because they provide "passive training." They stay in, and your muscles eventually stop fighting them. If it hurts, it’s too big or you need more lube. Never force it.
Silicon toys are generally the gold standard because they’re non-porous and easy to clean. Just make sure they have a flared base. This is a safety requirement, not a suggestion. Items without a base can get "lost" due to the vacuum effect of the rectum, which leads to a very awkward and expensive ER visit.
Understanding Lube Dynamics
Lube isn't optional. It’s the most important tool in your kit. But not all lubes are created equal.
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Water-based lubes are safe for all toys but they dry out fast. You'll find yourself re-applying every five minutes. Silicone-based lubes last forever and are super slippery, but you can't use them with silicone toys because they’ll degrade the material. If you’re training with your own body or glass/metal toys, silicone lube is amazing. If you’re using silicone trainers, stick to a high-quality, thick water-based gel.
Avoid anything with glycerin or parabens if you have sensitive skin. Some people find that oil-based options (like coconut oil) work, but keep in mind that oil destroys latex condoms. If you're planning on using condoms later, oil is a no-go.
Positioning for success
How you sit or lie down changes the angle of the rectum. The "rectal curve" is a real thing. When you're standing or lying flat, there's a natural bend that can make penetration feel like hitting a wall.
- The Deep Squat: This is the most natural position for the human body to open the pelvic floor.
- On Your Side (Sims' Position): Lie on your left side with your right knee pulled up toward your chest. This aligns the sigmoid colon in a way that’s generally more "open."
- Pillows are Key: If you're on your back, put a couple of pillows under your hips. Tilting the pelvis up helps change the angle of entry and allows for better visibility if you're using a mirror to see what you're doing.
Troubleshooting the "Ouch" factor
If it hurts, stop. It’s a simple rule, but people ignore it all the time because they think they need to "power through." You don't.
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Pain causes the muscles to contract. Contraction causes more pain. It’s a feedback loop that leads to tearing. If you feel a sharp sting, you might have a small fissure. These are tiny tears in the mucosal lining. They heal, but they need rest. If you see bright red blood (more than a tiny speck), take a week off. Use a sitz bath—soaking in warm water—to help the muscles relax and increase blood flow to the area for healing.
Sometimes the discomfort isn't a tear, but a "full" feeling. That’s just your nerves reacting to the pressure. Deep, slow breaths help the brain realize that "full" doesn't mean "emergency."
Consistency over intensity
You'll get better results by training for 10 minutes every other day than by trying a massive toy once a month. Your body has muscle memory. Frequent, low-stress sessions build confidence. Over time, you’ll notice that the initial "tightness" disappears faster and faster.
Eventually, you’ll reach a point where you don't even think about the mechanics. It becomes second nature. But even the most "experienced" people still need to warm up. Every single time.
Actionable Next Steps
- Buy a dedicated "training kit": Get a set of graduated anal trainers (often called a "kit") that start very small and slowly increase in girth. This takes the guesswork out of sizing.
- Check your fiber intake: Start taking a psyllium husk supplement daily. It makes the "prep" phase 90% easier and gives you more confidence.
- Practice pelvic floor drops: Throughout the day, check in with your body. Are you clenching your jaw? If so, you're likely clenching your pelvic floor too. Unclench both.
- Invest in "the good lube": Skip the cheap stuff from the drugstore. Look for brands like Sliquid or Uberlube that prioritize body-safe ingredients and long-lasting slickness.
- Set a timer: Give yourself at least 30 minutes of "me time" for a training session so you never feel rushed. Speed is the enemy of relaxation.