It starts with a realization that feels like a gut punch. Maybe it was the look on your partner’s face—that specific flicker of fear that you never wanted to see there. Or maybe it was a friend finally telling you they’re done. Whatever the catalyst, admitting you have a problem is terrifying. Most people who act out this way spend years in deep denial because the word "abuser" feels like a monster, not a person. But if you're here, you've probably reached the point where the excuses—the stress at work, the way they "pushed your buttons," the alcohol—don't feel heavy enough to hold up the weight of the harm you're causing.
Learning how to stop being abusive isn't about just "trying to be nicer." It’s a complete overhaul of how you view power, control, and your own entitlement.
The hard truth about why you do it
Abuse is a choice. That’s the hardest pill to swallow. People often frame it as "losing control," but if you don't scream at your boss the way you scream at your spouse, you aren't losing control. You’re choosing where to release it. Lundy Bancroft, a leading expert on domestic abusers and author of Why Does He Do That?, argues that the root of abuse isn't anger or even childhood trauma—though those things can be present—it's entitlement.
You feel you have a right to be heard. You feel you have a right to have your needs met immediately. When those things don't happen, you feel justified in using "tactics" to get what you want. These tactics can be loud, like yelling or throwing things, or they can be quiet, like the "silent treatment," gaslighting, or financial control.
Realizing you’re the one causing pain is heavy. It's supposed to be. That guilt is actually the first tool you have for change. Without it, there's no motivation to do the grueling work of rewiring your brain.
Identifying the patterns of control
Most people think abuse is just physical. It's not. In fact, many people who are looking for ways on how to stop being abusive have never laid a hand on anyone. Emotional and verbal abuse can be just as damaging.
Do you use "DARVO"? This is an acronym coined by Dr. Jennifer Freyd. It stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.
Think about the last time your partner tried to bring up a concern. Did you immediately tell them they were "crazy" (Deny)? Did you bring up something they did three years ago to make them feel bad (Attack)? Did you end the conversation with them apologizing to you for bringing it up (Reverse Victim and Offender)? If that cycle sounds familiar, you are using a control tactic. It’s effective, sure. It stops the conversation. But it kills the relationship.
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Micro-moments of escalation
Watch your body. Before you snap, your chest probably gets tight. Your jaw locks. This is your nervous system preparing for a "fight." But because you're in a living room and not a battlefield, that energy has nowhere to go but out at the person you love.
Stopping the cycle requires catching it here. Not five minutes later when you're mid-rant. Right now. In the tightness.
The myth of the "quick fix"
You cannot fix this in a weekend. You can't fix it by reading one book or watching a few videos. You are looking at months—likely years—of active, conscious deconstruction of your habits.
Many people think that if they just stop drinking or start meditating, the abuse will stop. While those things help with emotional regulation, they don't fix the underlying belief that you have the right to control someone else. If you stop drinking but still believe your partner "owes" you their constant attention, you'll just find a sober way to be abusive.
Practical steps to take right now
If you are serious about how to stop being abusive, you need a roadmap that is more than just "positive vibes."
1. Radical accountability
Stop using "but" or "if."
- Wrong: "I'm sorry I yelled, but you were being annoying."
- Right: "I'm sorry I yelled. It was my choice to raise my voice, and it was wrong."
When you add a "but," you are blaming the victim for your choice. Stop it. Own the action entirely.
2. Physical removal (The Time-Out)
This isn't the same as the "silent treatment." The silent treatment is used to punish. A time-out is used to protect.
Tell your partner: "I am starting to feel angry and I don't want to say something hurtful. I’m going for a walk for 20 minutes, and then I’ll come back to finish this conversation calmly."
Then, actually come back. If you just leave and stay gone, that's more abandonment. The "coming back" part is what builds trust.
3. Seek a BIP (Battering Intervention Program)
General "Anger Management" is often ineffective for abuse. Why? Because anger management teaches you how to calm down, but it doesn't challenge your beliefs about power.
BIPs are specifically designed to help people who use power and control in relationships. They are often group-based. Hearing other people use the same excuses you use is a wake-up call like no other.
4. Professional help (With a Caveat)
Not all therapists are trained in domestic violence. Some might inadvertently help you "rationalize" your behavior by focusing too much on your childhood. Look for someone who understands "High Conflict" personalities or family systems and who will hold you accountable rather than just validating your feelings.
Living in the "After"
What happens if you change, but they still don't trust you?
This is where most people fail. They do the work for three weeks and then get angry that their partner hasn't "forgiven and forgotten."
"I've been so good lately! Why are you still bringing up the past?"
That statement itself is abusive. It’s an attempt to control the pace of their healing. If you have been abusive for years, you cannot expect trust to be rebuilt in months. You have to accept that your partner may never trust you again. You have to change because it's the right thing to do for you and for the world, not because it's a "coin" you're inserting to get the relationship you want.
Is it even possible to change?
Yes. But it’s rare. It's rare because it’s incredibly painful to look in the mirror and realize you've been the villain in someone else's story. Most people would rather stay the "victim" of their own circumstances than admit they were the "aggressor."
Changing your behavior means:
- Accepting that your partner is an autonomous human being with their own thoughts, feelings, and rights—even when they disagree with you.
- Learning to sit with the discomfort of not getting your way.
- Developing empathy by actively listening without preparing a defense.
Honestly, it’s going to be the hardest thing you’ve ever done. You’ll mess up. You’ll feel that familiar urge to bite back or manipulate the situation. When that happens, you have to be honest. "I just felt the urge to manipulate this conversation so I wouldn't look bad. I'm sorry."
That kind of honesty is the only thing that actually builds a bridge back to a healthy life.
Actionable Next Steps
- Audit your language: For the next 48 hours, pay attention to how often you blame someone else for your feelings. "You made me mad" vs "I am feeling angry."
- Read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft: Even if you aren't a "he," the mechanics of entitlement and control described in this book are universal. It is widely considered the "gold standard" for understanding abusive patterns.
- Identify your triggers: Keep a log. Is it when you feel ignored? Is it when you're tired? Knowing when you are most vulnerable to your old patterns allows you to step away before the damage is done.
- Find a specialized program: Look for local organizations that offer "Certified Batterers' Intervention" or similar programs. Avoid standard "Anger Management" unless it is specifically geared toward domestic or emotional abuse.
- Practice the 20-minute rule: If a conversation starts to escalate, call a time-out immediately. Don't wait until you're shouting. Walk away, breathe, and reflect on what you are trying to gain by being aggressive. If the answer is "control," stay away until you can approach the situation with "collaboration" instead.
Changing how you interact with people is a marathon. It’s about daily choices, minute-by-minute redirections, and a total surrender of the need to be the person "in charge" of everyone else. It's about becoming a safe person. That journey starts with the choice you make right now.