It happens constantly. You find someone on LinkedIn who has your dream job, or maybe you see a local artist on Instagram whose work blows you away, and you want to reach out. But then the anxiety kicks in. You stare at the blinking cursor, wondering if you’re about to become "that person"—the one whose message gets screenshotted and laughed at in a group chat. Honestly, the barrier to entry for how to message unknown person isn't about being a genius; it’s just about not being a bot.
Most people mess this up because they're too selfish. They think about what they want from the interaction instead of how the person receiving the message feels. If you've ever received a "Hey" from a stranger, you know exactly how annoying it is. It’s a demand for time without any context. It’s work.
The Psychology of the Cold Message
Why do some messages get a "yes" while others get the block button? It comes down to a concept psychologists call the Social Exchange Theory. Basically, humans are wired to calculate the cost versus the reward of an interaction. When you figure out how to message unknown person effectively, you’re lowering their "cost" (time and effort) and raising the "reward" (feeling respected or seeing a clear benefit).
Adam Grant, an organizational psychologist and author of Give and Take, often talks about the power of being a "giver" in these initial touches. If your first message is a giant "ask" for a 30-minute coffee chat, you’re asking for a massive favor from someone who doesn't even know if you’re a real human. That’s a high cost. But if your message is a genuine, specific compliment about a recent project they finished? That’s a reward.
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Low friction is the goal. You want them to be able to reply in under 60 seconds. If they have to think too hard, they’ll just swipe the notification away and forget you ever existed.
Stop Using These Templates Right Now
If you search for scripts online, you’ll find thousands of "proven" templates. Stop. Please. Everyone else is using those same templates. People who receive a lot of cold messages—recruiters, CEOs, creators—can smell a copy-paste job from a mile away.
The "I'd love to pick your brain" Trap
This is the absolute worst. Seriously. "Picking someone's brain" sounds like a zombie movie, and it feels like a physical drain on the recipient. It’s vague. It’s lazy. It signals that you haven't done your homework. Instead of asking to pick a brain, ask a specific question that only they can answer.
The Over-Formal Novel
Don't write a five-paragraph essay. Nobody has time for that. If I see a wall of text from someone I don’t know, I’m not reading it. I’m archiving it. Keep it punchy. Three to five sentences is usually the sweet spot for a first reach-out.
How to Message Unknown Person (The Right Way)
First, identify your "hook." This is the reason you are messaging them specifically and not just anyone in their field. Maybe you read their recent white paper, or you saw them speak at a conference three years ago. Use that.
The Structure of a Perfect Message:
- The Specific Credibility Marker: Mention something specific they did. "I just finished your piece in The Atlantic about urban gardening."
- The "Why You": Explain why their perspective matters. "Your point about soil pH in high-rise balconies was something I hadn't considered."
- The Soft Ask: Keep it tiny. "Do you have a favorite resource for testing kits, or is it mostly trial and error?"
- The Exit: Give them an out. "No pressure to reply if you're slammed, just wanted to say thanks for the insight."
See what happened there? You didn't ask for a job. You didn't ask for a meeting. You started a conversation.
Platform Etiquette: It Varies Wildly
The "vibe" of your message needs to match where you're sending it. LinkedIn is a suit-and-tie environment, but Instagram is more like a backyard BBQ. If you send a LinkedIn-style formal letter via Instagram DM, you’re going to look like a scammer or a bot.
On X (formerly Twitter), brevity is king. You can usually get away with a public "mention" before moving to DMs. It’s like nodding to someone across a room before walking over.
On LinkedIn, you have a bit more room, but the "InMail" feature is often ignored because it’s cluttered with sales spam. A personalized connection request is almost always better than a cold InMail. Actually, scratch that—it is always better.
Email is still the gold standard for professional inquiries. If you can find their work email (using tools like Hunter.io or just some clever Googling), use it. It shows you put in the effort to find their digital front door.
Dealing With the Silence
Sometimes, you’ll do everything right and still get nothing. It sucks. You feel ignored. But here's the truth: people are busy. Their kid might have the flu, or they’re staring at 400 unread emails, or they simply forgot.
The one-time follow-up is your secret weapon. Wait 5 to 7 days. Send a short, polite nudge. "Hi [Name], just bumping this to the top of your inbox. Totally understand if you're too busy to get to it!"
If they don't reply to the follow-up? Leave it. Move on. Do not become the person who sends five "Just checking in!" messages. That’s how you get blocked.
Real-World Example: The "Expert" Reach Out
Let’s say you want to talk to a software engineer about a specific coding language.
Bad: "Hi, I'm learning Python and saw you are an expert. Can you help me learn?" (Too broad, sounds like a lot of work for them.)
Good: "Hey [Name], I saw your GitHub repo for the [Project Name]. I’m trying to implement something similar with FastAPI but I’m hitting a wall with the middleware. Was there a specific reason you chose [Specific Library]? No worries if you're busy, just loved the way you structured the data."
The second one is gold. It proves you looked at their work. It asks a "nerd" question they probably enjoy answering. It’s human.
Actionable Steps for Your Next Message
- Audit your profile first. Before you hit send, look at your own page. Does it look professional? Does it have a clear photo? If you look like a "blank egg" or a fake account, no one will reply.
- Find a commonality. Use LinkedIn's "Mutual Connections" or see if you went to the same university. These "micro-bonds" increase response rates by a massive margin.
- The "Two-Sentence Rule." Try to describe your reason for messaging in two sentences or less. If you can’t, you don’t know why you’re messaging them yet.
- Proofread, then proofread again. A typo in the first sentence is the fastest way to the trash bin. It signals a lack of care.
- Give them an "out." Phrases like "I know you're likely swamped" or "Feel free to ignore this if it’s a bad time" actually make people more likely to respond because it removes the pressure.
Messaging a stranger is just digital networking. It’s scary because of the potential for rejection, but the upside is literally infinite. Most of the best jobs, mentors, and friendships start with one "weird" message that wasn't actually weird at all because it was thoughtful. Keep it short. Keep it specific. Keep it human.
Next Steps for Success
Go to your LinkedIn or email right now. Find one person you’ve been "meaning to reach out to" for months. Use the specific structure above: one compliment, one specific "why," and one tiny question. Send it. Don't overthink the response. Just get the first one out of the way. Once you realize the world doesn't end when a stranger doesn't reply, the process gets a lot easier.
Focus on the volume of quality attempts rather than the outcome of a single message. Consistency in high-value outreach is what builds a network over years, not days. This isn't just about how to message unknown person; it's about building a reputation as someone who respects people's time while offering genuine appreciation for their work.