Sex shouldn't hurt. It sounds like a basic human right, or at least a medical baseline, but for a staggering number of people, intimacy feels more like a chore—or worse, a source of genuine physical dread. If you’re scouring the internet for how to make sex less painful, you’ve likely already dealt with the frustration of being told to "just relax" or "have a glass of wine." Honestly? That advice is pretty useless when your body is screaming at you that something is wrong.
Pain during intercourse, known medically as dyspareunia, isn't a personality trait. It’s a symptom. Whether it’s a sharp sting at the entrance or a deep, thudding ache that lingers in your pelvis for hours afterward, your body is sending a signal. Sometimes that signal is about a lack of preparation, but often, it’s about underlying biology that needs more than just a positive attitude.
The reality is that about 75% of women will experience painful sex at some point in their lives, according to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG). That is a massive percentage. Yet, we still treat it like a private embarrassment. Let’s get into the weeds of why this happens and what actually works to fix it, ranging from the stuff you can do tonight to the medical interventions that require a specialist.
The Lubrication Lie and Why "Wet Enough" Isn't a Thing
We have to talk about lube. People think using it is an admission of failure or a sign of getting older. That’s nonsense. Even if you feel "aroused," your body’s natural lubrication can fluctuate wildly based on your menstrual cycle, medications, or even how much water you drank today.
Standard drugstore lubes are often part of the problem. Many contain glycerin or parabens which can trigger yeast infections or bacterial vaginosis in sensitive people. If you're trying to figure out how to make sex less painful, start by switching to a high-quality, water-based or silicone-based lubricant that is pH-balanced. Brands like Uberlube or Sliquid are frequently recommended by pelvic floor physical therapists because they don't have the "sticky" dry-down that causes friction-based pain halfway through.
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- Water-based: Easy to clean, safe with all toys and condoms, but dries out faster.
- Silicone-based: Lasts forever, great for showers, but can degrade silicone toys.
- Oil-based: Feels amazing but destroys latex condoms and can mess with vaginal flora.
Don't just put a drop on. Use more than you think you need. Apply it to yourself and your partner. Friction is the enemy of comfort, and most people stop applying lube far too early in the process.
When Your Pelvic Floor Won't Let Go
Sometimes the pain isn't about a lack of moisture; it's about muscles that are "too good" at their job. Hypertonic pelvic floor dysfunction is a fancy way of saying your vaginal muscles are in a constant state of contraction. Imagine clenching your fist for eight hours straight. Now imagine trying to use that hand for something delicate. It’s going to hurt.
This is where Pelvic Floor Physical Therapy (PFPT) comes in. It sounds intimidating, but it is often the "silver bullet" for chronic pain. A therapist helps you relearn how to drop and relax those muscles. They might use tools like vaginal dilators, which allow you to slowly acclimate your body to penetration in a controlled, low-stress environment. It’s about muscle memory. You're teaching your brain that penetration doesn't equal a threat.
Dr. Jen Gunter, a noted OB-GYN and author of The Vagina Bible, often points out that we focus so much on Kegels (strengthening) that we forget many people actually need the opposite: lengthening and relaxation. If you have "deep" pain—the kind that feels like someone is hitting an organ—it might be your pelvic floor reacting to the stimulus by seizing up.
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Hormones, Birth Control, and the "Desert" Effect
If you’re on the pill and noticing that sex has become increasingly painful, you aren't imagining things. Combined oral contraceptives can lower your free testosterone levels. Why does that matter? Testosterone helps maintain the health of the tissues in the vulvar vestibule (the opening). Without it, that skin can become thin, friable, and incredibly sensitive to touch.
This condition is sometimes called hormonally mediated vestibulodynia. The fix isn't always just "more lube." Often, it requires talking to a doctor about switching birth control methods or using a localized estrogen/testosterone cream to "rebuild" that tissue. If the skin looks pale or tears easily, it’s a hormonal issue, not a "you're not into it" issue.
Specific Medical Culprits You Shouldn't Ignore
Sometimes the answer to how to make sex less painful involves treating a specific medical condition. You can't "relax" your way out of an infection or a structural issue.
- Endometriosis: This is a big one. If you feel deep, stabbing pain during certain positions or phases of your cycle, tissue similar to the uterine lining might be growing where it shouldn't.
- Vaginismus: This is an involuntary tightening of the vaginal muscles. It's often a physical response to past trauma or even just the anticipation of pain. It creates a feedback loop: you expect pain, you tense up, it hurts, which reinforces the expectation.
- Menopause: The drop in estrogen during perimenopause and menopause causes the vaginal walls to thin (atrophy). This is extremely common and very treatable with localized hormonal therapy.
- Infections: Even a low-grade yeast infection or "stealth" STIs like Ureaplasma can make the entire area inflamed and hypersensitive.
Strategic Position Changes
The geometry of sex matters. If you’re experiencing deep pain, it might be because of "cervical hitting." The cervix moves depending on where you are in your cycle, but certain positions allow for deeper penetration than your anatomy might currently enjoy.
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Try "spooning" or positions where you (the person experiencing pain) have control over the depth and angle. The "Ohnut" is a popular device—it’s a set of soft, stretchy rings that go on a penis or toy to act as a "buffer," preventing too-deep penetration while still allowing for the sensation of full intimacy. It’s a low-tech solution that has saved a lot of relationships.
The Psychological Component (Without Being Dismissive)
Your brain is the biggest sex organ you have. If you've had painful sex three times in a row, your brain is going to start categorizing sex as a "threat." This triggers the sympathetic nervous system—fight or flight. Your heart rate goes up, your muscles tense (including the pelvic floor), and your natural lubrication shuts down.
Breaking this cycle requires a lot of communication. It means taking penetration off the table for a while. If you know that "tonight isn't going to end in pain," your body can finally relax. Focus on outercourse, massage, or manual stimulation. Rebuilding the association between touch and pleasure is a mandatory step in learning how to make sex less painful over the long term.
Practical Steps to Take Right Now
If you are ready to address this, don't just wait for it to go away. It rarely does without intervention.
- Track the pain: Is it at the entrance? Is it deep? Does it happen every time or just after your period? Note these details for your doctor.
- Audit your products: Toss the scented soaps, the flavored lubes, and the "tingling" condoms. Switch to hypoallergenic, simple ingredients.
- The 1-10 Scale: Talk to your partner. If the pain is a 3, maybe you can adjust. If it hits a 5, stop immediately. Pushing through the pain only reinforces the muscle clenching.
- Find a specialist: Not all OB-GYNs are experts in sexual pain. Look for providers certified by ISSWSH (International Society for the Study of Women's Sexual Health) or find a pelvic floor physical therapist in your area.
- Breathe into your belly: During intimacy, practice diaphragmatic breathing. Expanding your belly on the inhale naturally drops and relaxes the pelvic floor.
Pain isn't a requirement for intimacy. It’s an obstacle, and usually, it’s one with a very tangible, physical solution. Whether it's a tube of prescription cream, a different position, or three months of physical therapy, the goal is to get back to a place where sex is something you actually look forward to, rather than something you endure.