Love is a skill. That’s probably not what you want to hear if you’re currently nursing a broken heart or staring at a partner who won’t stop leaving damp towels on the floor. We like the idea of love being this wild, uncontrollable force—a lightning strike that just happens to us. But honestly? If you want to know how to love better, you have to stop thinking of it as a feeling and start looking at it as a series of repeatable behaviors.
It's messy.
Most people think they’re great at loving because they feel things deeply. They’ve got the passion, the big gestures, the "I'd die for you" energy. But feeling love and doing love are two completely different things. You can feel a massive amount of affection for someone and still be a nightmare to live with. You can adore your partner and still make them feel completely invisible during a Tuesday night dinner.
Real connection is built in the boring gaps between the highlights.
The Myth of "Natural" Compatibility
We’ve been sold a lie by rom-coms. We think that if we find "The One," everything will just click. This is what psychologists call "destiny beliefs," and they are actually pretty toxic to long-term satisfaction. Dr. Raymond Knee, a researcher at the University of Houston, has spent years studying how these beliefs affect our relationships. People who believe in "soulmates" tend to give up the second things get hard because they assume conflict means they just aren't compatible.
Contrast that with "growth beliefs."
If you believe that relationships are cultivated, you're more likely to work through the friction. Love isn't a find; it's a build. Think of it like a garden. You don't just find a garden and expect it to stay beautiful forever. You’ve gotta pull the weeds. You have to deal with the dirt. Sometimes the weather is garbage and everything wilts, and you have to decide if you’re going to replant or just let the whole thing turn to scrub.
How to love better starts with accepting that you’re going to be annoyed. You’re going to be bored. You’re going to disagree about how to load the dishwasher. That’s not a sign of failure; it’s just the cost of admission.
Why "Active Constructive Responding" is the Cheat Code
Ever had something great happen at work and you tell your partner, and they just go, "Oh, cool," without looking up from their phone? That’s a relationship killer.
Dr. Shelly Gable, a professor of psychological and brain sciences, identified four ways we respond to our partners' good news. Only one of them actually helps. It's called Active Constructive Responding. It basically means when your partner shares a win—even a tiny one—you stop what you’re doing, look them in the eye, and ask a follow-up question. You celebrate it with them.
It sounds simple. It is simple. But we're mostly bad at it because we're distracted by our own lives.
If you want to know how to love better right now, this second, start doing this. When they say they finally finished that annoying project, don't just nod. Ask them how they feel. Ask what the hardest part was. It builds a "bank account" of goodwill that you're definitely going to need when the next argument rolls around.
The Brutal Truth About Emotional Regulation
You can't love someone well if you can't handle your own baggage. Period.
Most of our "relationship problems" are actually just individual problems leaking out onto the other person. If you’re anxious, you might smother them. If you’re avoidant, you might shut down the second things get emotional. We call this "attachment theory," popularized by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller in their book Attached.
Basically, we all have a "style" of connecting based on how we were raised.
- Anxious types are always scanning for signs of rejection.
- Avoidant types see intimacy as a threat to their independence.
- Secure types (the lucky ones) just kind of deal with things as they come.
To love better, you have to figure out which one you are. You have to own your triggers. If you’re feeling neglected, is it because your partner is actually being distant, or is it because your internal "abandonment alarm" is going off because they didn't text you back within ten minutes? Taking responsibility for your own nervous system is the most loving thing you can do. It stops you from making your partner responsible for your peace of mind. They are your partner, not your therapist or your parent.
The "Bids for Connection" You Keep Missing
The Gottman Institute is famous for their "Love Lab," where they can predict with over 90% accuracy whether a couple will stay together. Their secret sauce? Observing "bids."
A bid is any attempt from one person to get the other’s attention, affirmation, or affection. It can be a literal question, or it can be as subtle as your partner sighing while looking out the window.
When your partner makes a bid, you have three choices:
- Turn toward: Acknowledge them. "What's up?" or "Yeah, that's a cool bird."
- Turn away: Ignore them or keep scrolling on your phone.
- Turn against: Be hostile. "Can't you see I'm busy?"
Couples who stay together "turn toward" their partner’s bids about 86% of the time. The ones who get divorced? Only about 33%.
Learning how to love better is really just learning how to notice more bids. It’s about being "on" even when you’re tired. It’s choosing to look up from your laptop when they mention a weird news story they just read. It’s small. It’s almost invisible. But it’s the difference between a thriving relationship and two people living parallel lives in the same house.
Communication Isn't What You Think It Is
We’re told to "communicate more," but honestly, most people communicate too much of the wrong stuff. They communicate their grievances, their demands, and their criticisms.
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That’s not communication; that’s litigation.
Real communication is about vulnerability. It’s saying "I’m feeling really lonely right now" instead of "You never spend time with me." The first one is an invitation. The second one is an attack. When you attack, your partner’s brain goes into fight-or-flight mode. Their prefrontal cortex—the part that handles logic and empathy—literally shuts down. You cannot have a productive conversation with someone whose brain thinks they are being hunted by a predator.
The Power of the "Soft Start-up"
If you have a problem, how you bring it up determines 96% of how the conversation will end. That’s a real statistic from the Gottmans.
Start with "I feel" instead of "You always."
Start with a specific need rather than a character assassination.
Example: "I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with the house stuff, can we talk about a plan for the laundry?" works way better than "You're so lazy, I'm the only one who does anything around here."
One leads to a solution. The other leads to a three-hour fight about something that happened in 2019. To love better, you have to value the relationship more than you value being "right" or getting the last word.
Curiosity vs. Assumptions
The death of intimacy is thinking you already know everything about the person sleeping next to you.
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When we first start dating, we’re detectives. We ask a million questions. We want to know their favorite childhood memory, their fears, their weirdest dreams. But after five years? We stop asking. We assume we know their "map."
But people change.
The person you married five years ago isn't the person sitting across from you today. Their goals have shifted. Their fears have evolved. Their "Love Map"—a term used to describe the internal map you have of your partner's world—needs to be updated.
Ask "What are you most excited about this month?" or "Is there anything you’ve been worried about lately that we haven't talked about?"
Staying curious keeps the relationship from becoming a stale routine. It shows that you’re still interested in who they are, not just what they do for you.
Radical Generosity
There is a concept in social psychology called "Cognitive Interdependence." It’s basically the "we" vs. "I" mindset.
People who love better have a high level of "we-ness." When they make a decision, they instinctively think about how it affects the unit. This doesn't mean losing your identity. It means recognizing that your well-being is tied to theirs.
Sometimes, this looks like radical generosity—giving more than your "fair share" because your partner is going through a rough patch. If you're constantly keeping score—I did the dishes twice, they only did them once—you're not in a relationship, you're in a business arrangement. And business arrangements are notoriously bad at providing emotional intimacy.
How to Love Better: Practical Next Steps
Knowing the theory is one thing. Actually doing the work is another. If you want to change the dynamic of your relationship starting today, here is the roadmap.
- Audit your "bids." For the next 24 hours, try to "turn toward" every single bid your partner makes. No matter how small. Just acknowledge them. Watch what happens to the energy in the room.
- Practice the 5:1 ratio. Dr. John Gottman found that stable, happy relationships have a ratio of five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. If you’ve been critical lately, start intentionally loading the "positive" side of the scale. Compliments, touches, small favors, or just a genuine "thank you."
- Schedule a "State of the Union." Once a week, sit down for 20 minutes. Ask each other: "What went well this week?" and "Is there anything I can do to make you feel more loved next week?" It feels awkward at first. Do it anyway.
- Identify your primary "Love Language." While the concept from Gary Chapman is popular, don't take it as gospel. Use it as a starting point. Do they value acts of service? Quality time? Physical touch? Words of affirmation? Gifts? Stop loving them the way you want to be loved and start loving them the way they feel it.
- Manage your own stress. You cannot be a kind, patient, loving partner if you are chronically burnt out. Self-care isn't selfish; it's relationship maintenance. If you’re at your limit, tell your partner: "I'm feeling really stressed from work and I don't want to take it out on you, so I'm going to take 30 minutes to decompress alone."
Loving better isn't about being perfect. It’s about being "repair-oriented." You’re going to mess up. You’re going to say something mean. You’re going to be selfish. The goal isn't to never fight; it's to get really, really good at apologizing and making it right. That is where the real intimacy lives. It’s in the coming back together after the storm.